Evan,
I wish it was 16 months ago, I would have a chance to do things right. i guess I had years though…could have at least made a concerted effort, tried. Self absorption. I’m sure I cant imagine what you went through, and the alienation you must have felt. I am extremely angry at our parents, for many reasons. But I am way more angry at myself. Anyway, I dont want you to have to worry about any of us. Chris is the only innocent one of, if you must worry about someone, worry about him. fish, rest, meditate. I love you, punk.

Dear Chris,

It will be four years ago since you took your life this weekend…Mother’s Day. (Did you really have to do it on Mother’s Day?) I think about you every day…some days more than others. But not a day passes when I don’t experience waves of sadness, anger, and regret when I think of you. Today is an angry day.

You were sick for as long as I knew you. You were an angry, hateful, narcissist. I don’t know what made you that way. Genetics played a role, I know, but the alcohol and drugs you sought as self-medication made it so much worse. Didn’t you see that?

You abused me since the day I was born. Why? What did I do? Why did you hate me? How can you hate a baby? I know there’s no rational answer to these questions. I know that your anger and hatred toward me was unwarranted. It was about you, not me. That doesn’t make it hurt any less, though.
Even though you hated me, I loved you. You were my big sister, my role model, my idol. Do you know what it’s like to be abused by someone you look up to like that? It shaped my reality and my self perception. I believed all of the awful things you would say about me. I believed that I was a fat, ugly person and that I was unlovable.

I was so happy to grow up so that I didn’t have to interact with you. I was so thankful and relieved to gain freedom as an adult so that I didn’t have to tolerate your abuse and your toxic influence on everyone around you. I created my own life without the negative influence you had always had on my world. My life isn’t perfect, but it is so much better without you in it. I’m so thankful that I’ll never have to sit through another Thanksgiving dinner and listen to your hateful words.

The day I chose to end our relationship was a gift. I don’t know what finally made me do it, but I finally summoned the strength to tell you that I didn’t want you in my life. I was honest with you. I told you that I didn’t like the person I was when I was with you. I told you that I was ashamed of how I reacted to all of your hateful words and actions. I didn’t regret that decision until the day I got the call.

I’m ashamed that I wasn’t a better person. Why couldn’t I keep an objective perspective and ignore the hurt? Why couldn’t I stand by the only person in the world that knew what my childhood was like? We were enemies, but we were also allies when we needed to be. You’re the only one that knew. You were sick, why did I abandon you?

I struggle with the confusion of regret, relief, anger, and sadness every day. I don’t believe that I could have changed the outcome, but I wish that you had fallen asleep knowing that I loved you. I hate that you felt so alone. I would have helped you if you had asked.

I want to believe that you’re in a better place. I don’t know what I believe, though. I know without a doubt that I’m happy that you’re no longer suffering. Every day was a battle for you, and it’s finally over. I hope that you’ve finally found peace, and I hope that someday I will, too.

Hey S,
I need help. I’ve been a mess since that day about three years ago, and to this day I am still haunted. I want to be on this Earth but I can’t let anyone in. I push the family away and I keep my friends just far enough so that I don’t have to open up. I’m scared that if I do open up to someone I will lose them. I’m only 14 and I feel as if I’m trapped in a glass box that I put myself into. I don’t hug those around me except for when I feel i should. No one knows I’ve been this scarred and I don’t know how to tell anyone. I just want to talk to you but I know you won’t respond. Every time I feel ready to open up I freeze. I miss you more than anything❤️

E

It’s been some time Chris, and while I think of you on occasion, I am sorry to say I don’t enough. Many out there say they think of a lost sibling every day, but I don’t. I do not say this out of a lack of love or caring for you but I am a “runner”. I have a hard time with my emotions so I think my brain shuts out certain things to protect itself. That said, when I do think of you I get very emotional. It’s a reaction of “shit, really, this sucks on so many dimensions”. Your life, your child, your support of mom and dad (until mom passed). All thrown away in a moment of passion. We are a lot alike at some level in terms of being passionate emotional beings that were confused at some level by the fundamental complexity and unfairness of life. I managed to escape into workaholism and escape alcohol being one area. I thank God that in the end we were on what I thought was very good terms. I had been arrogant and judgmental earlier in your life about your decisions and I have felt bad about that for a long time. That said, I think we really bonded later in life when I saw weakness and difficulty in my own existence and you helped me through it. As is often natural, I feel a lot of guilt over the fact that I delayed my trip to Montana to help you. We had spoken that prior week and I had to defer. I think that may have been a fix for the issues but who knows. In any event, I love you and miss you and we keep an eye on your boy. Fortunately we are on good terms with Travis and believe he genuinely loves that little guy and does a good job of raising him. It’s also encouraging that your friend (her name escapes me) is involved with Tristan. I know you had some questions about her capacity to do that but I think it is very positive. Hope all is well in your electrical existence in the universe that you so passionately studied in terms of meaning. I think you were really on to something. Love you forever and always…

Jode, I wish I could of taken your pain away, even just for a day so you could feel like the girl you should of felt. My heart is breaking so much that I can’t even explain. It’s been 18 wks since you decided to leave. I miss your voice, your smile and your kindness. You were a great sister and a loving aunty. Frankie always asks where you are and can we go and see Jodie! I tell him your with the Stars.

I think about you every day. Miss you and love you to the stars and back my beautiful angel sister, until we meet again xxxxxxxxx

Hey bub. It’s been a while. Just barely over a year and a month. Things are so different now. Everyone has lost a little piece of their heart,smile,attitude,soul,laugh. Things have been so dull. We really really miss you Alex.

I graduated 8th grade you know. I’m sure you were there watching over me. Did you see I’m working at Chick Fil A like you bub? The other night i was having a really awful day. Sometimes work makes it worse. But normally, i love going.

I’ve made it through almost my whole freshman year. Are you proud of me? I’m making pretty good grades! I recognize some of the teachers’ names and connect them with your old stories. It makes me smile most days. Others it makes me cry.

I’ve got a boyfriend. Do you like him? I know he’s a bit older. But I think it’s alright. He asked me to prom. Shif was in on the prom-posal. Did you watch me? He keeps me happy and makes me feel loved everyday. We talk about you sometimes. I heard you two were friends. That makes me happy.

I’ve survived a year without you. I don’t know how. The days feel like years and my memories start fading. Will you help me remember them? People have been saying something was wrong with your brain. CTE. Caused by concussions and hard hits. I know you had some of those.

I really miss you bub. I remember that night so well. I yelled and screamed and told you to not worry because i was getting help. Did you hear me? When i no longer heard you, I told the 911 operator that I had just lost my best friend. She told me that I was wrong but she lied. I remember telling the officer where you were. Finding out you were dead. I remember being so scared and alone and just wanting someone to come home. It was a really bad night.

But I miss you bub. And I love you.
You were my best friend, still are, and will forever be.
I wish I could know exactly when I would see you again. That would make me happy. I really really miss you.
I hope Heaven is doing you good. I know you’re having lots of fun.
I love you Alex. Please never forget.

18 days have gone by, and it still does not feel real. I keep thinking I will wake up and realize this was someone’s sick joke. I keep asking God to help me understand, but there doesn’t seem to be an answer. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me when I find myself trying not to think about it. I just don’t know how someone can live through so much pain, then when their life should be fabulous, all those demons come out to play. I know this is horrible, but I am so damn angry. No goodbye, nothing…you just left. What am I supposed to do now? You told me nothing would ever tear us apart, we have always been in this together. There is no one else. I look around, and I am trying so hard to be the brick I have always been, but I feel myself crumbling. I can’t believe I didn’t have any premonition, that my day just went on without my heart skipping a beat to give me some warning. Didn’t you know, didn’t you understand how much you are loved and valued? After everything we have been through, not even a single word? You always had those beautiful little quotes, and your famous words, ” I’m Fine…I Love You,” but dammit, you couldn’t love yourself enough to live? God help me, but I am so damn angry with those who tortured your soul, and I am angry that those of us who love you unconditionally were not enough, and I AM angry that such a beautiful life has left this earth way too young, and my heart is devastated that those precious grand babies and your nephew will never understand just how much you loved them.

Kat,

Today marks 2 months since you died. 11/2/15. I miss you SO SO much. The only silver lining is that you are truly out of pain, I know you couldn’t live any longer in this world and you finally succeeded in a way we couldn’t just bring you to the hospital and pump your stomach.

I feel like my childhood is gone. I have all these memories flooding back, secrets and inside jokes that only WE shared. Because that’s what sisters do. This is much different than when dad died 5 years ago. He was my rock, my hero, and his death devastated us both. I wish he was here to comfort me. I’m 31 and my dad is dead and my sister is dead and I’m only left with mom. She did something last night and YOU are the only person who would understand why it was hurtful. You knew me better than anyone. But this is a different type of grief because siblings share something special. Something I didn’t realize until the day you died. A bond that is different than others.

I hope you know how much I loved you (well still do..) There is so much more I want to say to you. But I am hurting and missing you terribly. You come back now polar bear?

Love you always,

Your Megs

Hey Sul, it’s been 3 years and 17 days since my life turned upside down because of one action. I miss you everyday, and I wish I could just run into your arms and have you hold me. I know you were nine years older than me and always in and out of boarding school and rehab while I was growing up. I still remember almost every car ride and pizza outing and all the times we had, but as time goes on its hard to remember the way you always smelt and the sound of your voice. Life hasn’t been the easiest since you’ve left and mom and dad haven’t really told me everything about it, but maybe they think that 14 is just to young to hear about that. Landon and I have gotten so much closer, but still I don’t feel as close as you and I were. I miss our talks about how were the odd ones out in the family since we were adopted and teasing the rest of the family. Ive had a lot of rough patches thinking about how it would just be easier for everyone if I left and joined you and granddad in heaven, but I couldn’t put mom and dad through anything again. I hope to see you again, and I love you to the moon and back a thousand times.

Love,

Your baby sister

Dear Bubbie,

From the moment I heard mom tell me “Your brother is gone” my heart has not been the same. I often question myself and wonder why or if I could have done something to help you. Why didnt you let me help you?? I know this question will never have an answer. Our last contact made me sad and angry. I wanted you to tell me to mind my own bussiness, your not my mother once again. Your response was lifeless. If I had of known I wouldnt of seen you ever again on this earth, I would have raced to be with you one more time and tell you just how much I loved you and that you were so important to me. My conscious mind understands that you must have been in extreme pain, but the reality is I am angry that you abandoned me like Dad did. You not only abandoned your mother, sister and I, but your kids too. You will never know the pain and anguish you have created for those that loved you so much, but my hope is that you are at peace now and with dad and that you have resolved the issues with him that you were unable to while on this earth. I love you Bubbie and promise to remind myself to allow your light to shine on me as I travel into uncharted waters of my future.

Love,

Your Sister, Kaelan