Dear Kevin

Dear Kevin,

It’s been 3 1/2 weeks since you decided to leave us..your mom, your children, your nieces and nephews, your students, your church family, your family, and me, your sister. I know you were struggling but I thought you were doing better. I saw you the Saturday before and I can still see you sitting in my house. Your absence has left a forever hole in my heart that has not healed since dad died 2 years ago. You left us all. I am now responsible for everything from your estate to taking care of mom. I often question why would you choose this? Why did you do this, knowing mom would be the one to find you? My emotions are all over the place from sadness, to anger, to total loss. I miss you everyday and forever will. Life will never be the same without you Kevin. You are with God and dad now and I know all you sadness and anger is gone, but it is still here with us. I don’t know how to go on, but I have to be strong for mom, my children and yours too. I will always love you.

 

To Bubby 8/18/2015

Dan,

I miss you so damn much. When we were growing up, I was sad when we were apart for more than a dew days-even if we had been a vicious fight the day before. I was sad when you lived with dad in college. Now, that you’re really never coming back, it hurts, SO much. I can’t describe it, and I don’t know what I’m suppose to do. I need you to listen to my venting. I need to annoy you. I need you to get me out of my ruts. I need you to brag about how you saw that new movie or heard the new beck album before I did. I haven’t been able to do any of these things for the 3 years you’ve been gone, and I never will. I feel so void of some piece of me that will never be filled-ever.

There’s absolutely nothing in this world you could ever have done to make me love you any less. That’s something mom and dad always use to say. I probably knew that when you were alive, but I know it all too well now. Even the worst thing I could possibly think of someone doing that might make me hate anyone else for, I’d still love you even more. I wish I could give you a big hug, and say, “it’s okay, we’ll work through it, because you’re my brother and I love you”.

I am grateful though, you’re no longer in the tremendous amount of pain you were in when you took your life. I just feel so helpless that I couldn’t be with you. I feel like I failed you bail you out of it, after you bailed me out of so many things. I feel like I failed because I let you be alone when you were at your absolute loneliest. I feel like a failure because i couldn’t ease your pain or provide you any comfort. BUT YOU WOULDNT LET ME!! because you flew 500 miles away so no one Would find you Because you didn’t want to be found. And I’m afraid that I think I may feel like you may have felt in your last moments here.

But I have to forgive you and I do. Because I know you were very sick when you did what you did. I know you weren’t in your right mind. I know that with the sickness you had In your wonderful mind and beautiful heart, although I may hate it’s symptoms, it was the sickness that took you, not you. I know that because of that sickness, you were not physically, mentally, or emotionally capable of reaching out for help in a way that would have got anyone’s attention. And I know what that sickness is like because I’ve had it. And the only reason I’m still here is because some amazing people cornered me deep enough in my business before I had a chance to shut them out. So I forgive you. It’s okay. I love you unconditionally. And from now on, im making it a point to make everyone I come in contact with feel like they can trust me with anything, as best as I can. I won’t do it perfectly, but there’s people out there as sick as you were, and their loved ones don’t deserve to loose them especially if it can be avoided.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for teaching me how to always be true to myself. Thank you for teaching me not to sell out, no matter to who or what. Thank you for teaching me to always be searching, always be asking questions, and to never loose my curiosity, and when I see something I believe is wrong, unjust or dishonest, call it out!! Thank you for the richer life I have today just from you being in it for 28 years. I always have, do and always will love you with all my heart.

Love, Brian.

 

Really Greg-O

Dear Greg,

I have anger at you for succeeding.

I have anger at you for not calling one more time.

I rejoice that you are no more being chased by your demons.

I’m sorry we couldn’t give you a real funeral, that we had to cremate you and take you away from your home so you can sit on a shelf and wait til Mom dies to be buried with her.

You quietly strangled yourself. I know you weren’t alone, God was with you, either giving you the strength to continue on in this plane, or to come to Him. You chose Him.

I was affected by Dad’s death profoundly, you know he was my everything. But I’ll tell you Greggy, your loss, the loss of a sibling, is more difficult then anything I ever imagined.

Everyone is doing what they think is right. Yesterday Mark told Mom that your death was a suicide, Mom being Mom, wants to sweep this under the carpet, and not “tell” anyone what “really happened.”

My dear brother, the remaining 11 siblings left behind are all grieving in our own ways. This website may be a good outlet for me.

I love you and will miss you greatly.

Keep me protected, and watch over me between the awesome Rock and Roll concerts in heaven.

Mary Beth

The Demons Won…

 

Dear Pooh,

Today is 2 weeks since you made the choice to leave us. You were only 28! You left me, Dad, Danny, Bobby, Michelle and your children, Mikey & Maddie. That doesn’t even include the rest of the family. We know you had an addiction problem and we tried for 10 years to help you fight the demons. We helped you get into rehab when you asked for the help. We were more than willing to help you again and again until you were able to be strong enough not to give in to the cravings, the urges, the demons.

I am so thankful for the 7 months you were clean between last year and this year. And then the demons beckoned and we lost you first to them and then to the darkness. I have so many good memories but for the past 2 weeks all I can see is your face when we found you. I have nightmares, I can’t eat and Dad moved back to NJ so now I’m here in Florida with no family. Michael is helping me as best he can but he doesn’t know the grief I’m feeling. Losing someone to suicide is so much different than losing someone to cancer or even a heart attack. There are so many unanswered questions and no funeral services. We will have a memorial service next month when I go home for the birth of your nieces new baby. This was supposed to be a happy event. You’ve taken that from me. Now I will be there for the baby but then I have to help our siblings and Father plan your service. What you did was selfish. I understand you were in pain and missing mom and felt as though you couldn’t live without her. Now you’re with her and we’re here trying to process all of this.

I’m reaching out for help because I can’t eat or sleep. I’m having nightmares that are jolting me from my sleep and I wake trembling and crying and my heart feeling like it’s broken and never going to work again. I’m so thankful for my friends but even they are unsure how to proceed with me. I need to find a way to process this so I can get back to living. I have to live my life and in doing so, I hope you’ll be there watching over us all. In time, we will meet again but I have too much to live for to allow your untimely death to ruin that for me. I have enough issues with the fibro, problems with my legs and everything else to allow your suicide to break me. I AM strong and I WILL survive, for both of us. I love you and will miss you every second of every day.

Always,

Donna

 

Dear Danny

Dear Danny, it’s only been 4 days since you took your own life. I’m so sad and im angry with you. You left me an only child. You left me to take care of mom by myself. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I’m sad because I didn’t know that you were hurting so bad. That you thought this was the only way out. No one knew, everyone is shocked. We don’t understand and we will never have an answer. I’m sorry you we hurting. I’m sorry I didn’t know. I wish you would have reached out to me, to someone, to anyone. If I had one more day with you I would ask how you were. I would ask if you were happy. I would tell you how much you meant to me and tell you how much I loved you. I would do something silly just to hear your chuckle. I would tell you how smart you were and how I always looked up to you. I would tell you that no matter what I would always be here for you. I’ll never be able to tell you any of it now because you chose to leave. It’s not how it was supposed to be. My head hurts from crying. My eyes won’t stop. My heart is breaking…..

Debbie

 

Hey.

It’s a weird thing to say, huh? Hey. Like you never even left. I must tell you, that you made yourself die, but you left me here dead. I think I’m part alive part dead since you’re gone and I don’t know how to heal. I’m so hurt, and so HOLLOW, I don’t even know if I have anything left in me. Some days are okay, and some are awful. I don’t know how to cope with it, how to handle it, how to calm down, nothing. I’m so angry, but so sad at the same time that it makes the appearance that I don’t care. I think our mother is angry because I haven’t been at your grave for months I think. I hope you are not angry, but I just can’t go. People would think that since your suicide is a year and a half ago, things would be better now, but they’re not. NOT A LITTLE BETTER. Sometimes worse I think. And I’m angry and I’m disappointed and sad and horrified and scared and empty and depressive and hollow. Just hollow. I know it’s not okay, but I can’t help it. I don’t know how to help myself and no one else helps me. You see, you left, and my mother, our mother, is left without a son. And she is heart broken. But I…I sometimes have the feeling that I lost a brother and a mother. I know she is trying her best, but things are just not working. How could you break our hearts like that? I know I judge you too much, but what are you expecting? You, who are my older brother, who should protect me my whole life, who should spent the most of time in my life with me, left me, and broke my heart the most from all the people that ever broke my heart. And I’m angry because I know that I could have helped you. We all could. You left a group of people who admire you behind you, and we all could have helped.

People say that they feel their near dead ones with them, that they feel that they are present and that they are watching over you. I don’t feel that. Where are you? You said you loved me, yet….I don’t feel you. Or maybe I don’t let you near? Because I’m too angry and I can’t forgive you.

No one ever asks me how I’m doing, you know. Everyone says ”How’s your mother? Take good care of her, she’s hurting now, having a hard time.” Of course I will take care of her, because my broken heart doesn’t matter. I’m just your sister, right? I can’t be that hurt, right? But I am. I am broken and I am torn to pieces. I’m a shadow of what once used to be a human and guess what? No one even cares, because I’m just your sister.

I miss you, Steve

It has been a little over 2 weeks since you left the ranch. God, if I had ever known it was this bad I would have been there for you. I think there were many things not going right in your world and it was time for a change. There is a huge part of me that wishes you had taken me with you. That wouldn’t solve anything. I am very worried about Debbie. She does have a counselor. I am very glad for that. She has kids and grand kids to help ease the pain a little. I hope it works. It is a second by second process. This has been a horribly sad day for me. I have cried a lot today. I miss you a lot today. I am so hoping you have peace in your life now. I pray for that. Take care of all my animals on the Rainbow Bridge as you will.

Jane

 

To my Elder Bro Jonathan

Hey Brother where art though?

Boy have I missed you, it has been a little over two years since you have passed. There hasn’t been a day since that I haven’t thought of you, whether just wanting to call you or just to know that you are there to listen if I needed to call. I’m living in St. Cloud now, and every time I go home I am expecting to see your car in the driveway. Unfortunately, I never will see that again. But anywho just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and I miss you everyday. I hope that you are hanging out with Grandpa, Grandma, and Andrew up there.

Love,

Justin

 

To Charles

 

 

My house feels so empty. I hate coming home. Didn’t you know we loved having you here? Jake making breakfast every morning, we’d eat and you would pack your small cooler with sodas for lunch. And my heart would smile at you. And we’d take on the day as a team. We’d come home and you guys would watch tv, as I made dinner. And we’d watch tv, and we’d laugh and talk, and I miss that. Gosh, I miss you. Tomorrow is gonna be the hardest day of my life, and I wish you were here, so I didn’t have to do it. Why couldn’t you talk to us? We would have done anything for you. You knew I’d been there, feeling like that before, and I could have helped you. You always said you didn’t want to be a burden, truth is, and I guess you never believed me, that we didn’t want you to leave. You being here, made us happier. Taking care of you, made us happier. I need you, and now you are just gone. We love you, that will never change, it was a privilege to have known you and love you. We miss you so much!!! I often think of you, and want to send you a picture or a text, and cannot! I’ve accepted you are gone, I’ve accepted I will not see you again in this life, but yet I often forget… I still expect to see you when I pull up at mom’s. I still expect to get the random 3am texts to have me Google something for you. I still expect you to be in the backseat smiling and making fun of me when I look in the rearview mirror.

What is hardest for me to accept is that this was your choice, and that I do not understand! I try so hard not to be angry at you, as obviously you just hurt too much, but there are times I just can’t help it! I just want to scream at you! But instead I cry.

I miss you Charles!!!

-Lisa