It was forty years ago today that my brother left me and my family. I can’t believe where the years went. I went to his grave today, like I do every year, and brought a lawn chair and smoked one of his pipes and talked to him like I always do. He would have been 68 this year and I think of all the things we missed doing together. My brother Jimmy was an old soul, he was 28, had a handle bar mustache, smoked a pipe and could talk to you about any subject, I think that’s what I miss the most, our talks. I was 17 and we would talk about everything, sports, history, science, girls, everything a older brother passes on to a little brother. And when he was gone there was a hole. So forty years later I still go to the cemetery and talk to my big brother and tell him that I still miss him and love him and hope that he’s looking down smoking a nice Peterson and petting our dog Tushie, and making sure I live a good life and being a good mentor like he was to me.

petemiser.bandcamp.com/track/the-problem-with-you
Lyrics:
it’s not the things you did back when we were kids
it’s not the way that you died it’s the way that you lived
it’s the gifts you had to give and your generous soul
it was big brother jedi knight mind control
had me spellbound idolizing you and your friends
made you tell me all the same jokes again and again
and as I rewind time to way back then
I recall what it was about you
the problem with you is no one else will do
It’s more than thirty years now that you’ve been gone
and it’s taken me that long to write this song
I understand your actions whether right or wrong
but that doesn’t help me move on or be strong
I remember when the cops came to our front door
telling us they found your body but they weren’t sure
had to check the dental records to make an exact match
nineteen months of questions answered just like that
the problem with you is no one else will do
the problem with you is there’s no one else like you
the problem is I can’t get you out of my mind
even after all this time
people tell me let you go but I don’t know how
I have nightmares can’t seem to slow those down
I’ve been to the woods where you did the deed
and found more of your remains there beneath the trees
I confess I have a vertebrae of yours in a drawer
it’s morbid for sure but it’s you and it’s pure
I’ve been a hot mess ever since you left
post traumatic stress or just depressed I guess
I try to hide behind hard work and jokes
on bad days they go up in smoke
honestly it’s fucked up the way it all went down
with no answers or closure or peace to be found
the problem isn’t just your decision to quit
the problem is you left me here to live with it
the problem with you is there’s no one else like you

The weight of my regrets is crushing and suffocating me. I am selfish because I know it does not even compare to what you were feeling. I miss you so much.
I am afraid to sleep, because I dream of you. In my dreams, I reach you in time, you are safe and you are coming home. Or you are living the life you should’ve had. I talk to you about silly things, and you give me one of those great big bear hugs. Then I wake up and I feel the excruciating loss all over again.
I wish you knew you could have come home. I should have called you and told you that. I got so caught up in my own crap that I took it for granted you would always be here.
It’s been 504 days. It’s changed me. I spend every waking moment trying to keep my mind off you and that day. I picture what you might have looked like when you were found. Were you crying when you did it or were you just ready. I can’t get Mom’s scream out of my head or her crumpled on the floor. I can’t focus when talking to others. My mind wanders 30 seconds into any conversation I have. My ability to retain anything said or read is now gone.
People seem to forget what I am going through and what I have lost. A part of me died with you that day. Some days it’s a struggle to get out of bed and function. But I am made to feel like I am lazy and a bad mom. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to accept it. I am not ready to face it. I want my little brother back.
I hope you are at peace. Our sister thinks you are. I wish I believed in something, so I could think that, too.
I love you, always.

I wish you could have waited a little longer, be more patient but again I didn’t really feel the actual pain. I have been angry with you for too long now. Today I choose to forgive you. I hope life is much better where you at. I hope you are not experiencing any form of suffering, you had your fair share. Beura and I are doing just fine, it took time but we leaned on God and we still are. I love you guys.

Dear Little Sissy,
All our life we never got along. I was all ways the mother we lacked. When you had anxiety I’m 22nd free and plucked your eyebrows I told our teachers. When I knew you were doing drugs in high school I texted you (on mom’s phone) and called you to come home at night, pretending it was an emergency. When we were adults I would tell you to leave your boyfriend to have a better life because he never change. When he killed himself, I tried to push you to move on and let go of his things. But I should have never played the role of mom. Though ours sucked , my role was a sister. A support system. A friend. Someone to confied in, someone to trust. You had a hard life, harder than I will ever know. I regret so much. I wish I would have told you I wanted you alive. I wish that on my birthday I wouldn’t have asked why you were so happy, because every time you were happy something messed up happens. I was worried because in the past your bipolar disorder would take over and you would do something like crash your car into someone’s car or their house. I wish I would have been more sensitive to your situation . I wish I would have been more of an advocate for you to our parents, instead of trying to do the job for them. I wish I would have stood up for you when our mom was talking advantage of you. I wish so many things after your death , but most of all that you’re happy in your afterlife. I loved you like a sister and a daughter. I wish you nothing but peace.
Love ,
Big Sissy

They say grief comes in waves, neatly transitioning between each phase. Sadness, anger, confusion… They lied. It’s all of it, all at once hitting you in the face. Each wave crashing on top of you like it’s the first time you heard.
It’s been over a year now and I haven’t found the strength to find peace. Instead I find more questions, more painful memories, more sadness. The most traumatic and painful event in my life was your death. My older sister – so beautiful, loving, artistic. We met the day before and you had hope – you had a plan to leave him and get better for you and for your son. Then just like that, fast forward just a few hours and your gone. Did you not believe that so many people love you and would do anything to show you how you look in their eyes? And now in the wake of your tragedy, someone else took their life because they couldn’t handle the world without you. Now there’s two beautiful lost souls. Two families crashing through guilt, grief, sadness…. everything. If you only knew how loved you are.

My dearest older brother. How I love you, how I miss you. It has only been 4 hours since I found out you took your own life. Why didn’t you talk to me? Why didn’t you let us help you? The pain is so unreal I don’t know if I can take it. Our grandmother crumbled to the ground and still cant stop from sobbing uncontrollably. Why would you do this to her? To me? To our siblings, parents, grandparents and friends? We all love you more than words can describe. The pain is worse than anything I have ever experienced. I miss you so much my big brother, I wish I could see you, hug you, hear your voice. You are deeply missed and we will always love and remember you. ❤ please know you will never ever be forgotten. I hope the after life treats you better then the world did. I love you soooo much and I still can’t believe you are gone. my heart is truly broken. Love your baby sister, Amanda.

I’m at a loss for words. Your wake and funeral are coming up in a few days. It’s only day two without you but I still feel like it isn’t real. Like you will be coming in the doors soon. You used to come sit and talk to me all the time. Always ask me for hugs. I still feel like I didn’t hug you enough. I wasn’t there for you enough. I wish I could tell you I love you one more time. I just wanna hold you and talk to you. You dropped me off at work and went to our favorite place and committed suicide. I just don’t understand. I can’t process it. I can’t let you go. I’m sorry I wasn’t there enough, I’m sorry I’ve been so angry at you recently over something so stupid. I feel like I could have done more. I might still have you here. I feel so guilty. I love you b, more than words could ever explain.
Xoxo.

My brother Wayne was kind and gentle soul. Had an awesome personality and a great sense of humour. My dad passed away eight years ago from a heart attack and Wayne found him. I think this created a downward spiral which just led him on the wrong path of drugs etc. On 27 September he shot himself because his work found out his was buying drugs in the company vehicle. He couldn’t face them so it got all too much. I miss him terribly each day but what breaks my heart is how it has affected my mom. She used to be the most positive human being and my rock and to watch her suffer just kills me. So you go through all the emotions of blame, guilt, loss, pain and tears and then try pick yourself up and try carry on. I miss you so much Wayne, the laughs and the chats. Just hope you are at peace wherever you may be. Love Dale