To Sul

Hey Sul, it’s been 3 years and 17 days since my life turned upside down because of one action. I miss you everyday, and I wish I could just run into your arms and have you hold me. I know you were nine years older than me and always in and out of boarding school and rehab while I was growing up. I still remember almost every car ride and pizza outing and all the times we had, but as time goes on its hard to remember the way you always smelt and the sound of your voice. Life hasn’t been the easiest since you’ve left and mom and dad haven’t really told me everything about it, but maybe they think that 14 is just to young to hear about that. Landon and I have gotten so much closer, but still I don’t feel as close as you and I were. I miss our talks about how were the odd ones out in the family since we were adopted and teasing the rest of the family. Ive had a lot of rough patches thinking about how it would just be easier for everyone if I left and joined you and granddad in heaven, but I couldn’t put mom and dad through anything again. I hope to see you again, and I love you to the moon and back a thousand times.

Love,

Your baby sister

 

My Brother/My Friend

Dear Bubbie,

From the moment I heard mom tell me “Your brother is gone” my heart has not been the same. I often question myself and wonder why or if I could have done something to help you. Why didnt you let me help you?? I know this question will never have an answer. Our last contact made me sad and angry. I wanted you to tell me to mind my own bussiness, your not my mother once again. Your response was lifeless. If I had of known I wouldnt of seen you ever again on this earth, I would have raced to be with you one more time and tell you just how much I loved you and that you were so important to me. My conscious mind understands that you must have been in extreme pain, but the reality is I am angry that you abandoned me like Dad did. You not only abandoned your mother, sister and I, but your kids too. You will never know the pain and anguish you have created for those that loved you so much, but my hope is that you are at peace now and with dad and that you have resolved the issues with him that you were unable to while on this earth. I love you Bubbie and promise to remind myself to allow your light to shine on me as I travel into uncharted waters of my future.

Love,

Your Sister, Kaelan

 

Letter to Nick

To my beautiful Nicholas,

It’s been nearly 10 weeks since you took your life, out of the blue, with no warning, and I’ve tried to put my thoughts down on paper several times since. Here is my latest attempt. Before, it was easier to pretend you just weren’t here – you were in Liverpool, when I was at home, when you were home, I was in London. Now, however, it’s begun to sink in. The knowledge that I won’t see you again will wash over me like a sickening wave. That dull ache in the pit of my stomach will suddenly stab like a knife, like no pain I’ve felt before. I haven’t just lost you but I’ve lost part of myself. It sounds so cliché but it feels so genuine, we were so close, I feel like I’m venturing into the unknown, living this life without you.

I’ve searched for answers as best I can and have had to convince myself that it wasn’t you that did this, you weren’t in your right mind and a psychosis had taken control. I know you would have called me, you could have said, we were so close and there were lots of things you told me that you would never tell mum or dad. We shared things. I know that the Nicholas I knew would have said goodbye, somehow, someway, instead even my last Facebook messages to you went unread. You’d messaged me when I was in Indonesia and I didn’t message back straight away, even though I saw them almost immediately. Why? You weren’t a priority; you always took ages to message me back and would often ignore me completely. I thought I had time. The rational part of me knows that when everyone says, there was nothing we could have done and that we’re not to blame, they’re right. But my grief for you is not rational. I knew something was wrong. I spoke to Katie and Jonny about you several times over those last couple of months. I told them your behaviour was strange, I was evidently worried about you. And yet I did nothing. On the tube to Heathrow airport, my flatmate Soffi told me her friends brother had just died. It flashed through my mind that perhaps something would happen to you. And yet I did nothing, I went to Indonesia. I’d spoken to you and asked if everything was okay, you assured me it was and you were so confident that I chose to believe you. But deep down I knew and I did nothing, I chose the easy way out and now there’s nothing I can do to rectify that. I have a thousand and one regrets.

It strikes me that I didn’t know what love was until this. I’ve lost the most important and precious person in my life. I try to think what it was to be happy and I can’t remember. At the moment, nothing is real except for the loss I feel. I go out with my friends, I keep busy and I laugh but deep down and underneath everything, I can’t see how I’ll ever be truly happy again. It’s not all bad though, losing you has taught me the value of this life we have. I know now I have to live mine to the fullest for both of us. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to start doing so.

For you, I would have done anything.

Tessa

 

Dear Kevin

Dear Kevin,

It’s been 3 1/2 weeks since you decided to leave us..your mom, your children, your nieces and nephews, your students, your church family, your family, and me, your sister. I know you were struggling but I thought you were doing better. I saw you the Saturday before and I can still see you sitting in my house. Your absence has left a forever hole in my heart that has not healed since dad died 2 years ago. You left us all. I am now responsible for everything from your estate to taking care of mom. I often question why would you choose this? Why did you do this, knowing mom would be the one to find you? My emotions are all over the place from sadness, to anger, to total loss. I miss you everyday and forever will. Life will never be the same without you Kevin. You are with God and dad now and I know all you sadness and anger is gone, but it is still here with us. I don’t know how to go on, but I have to be strong for mom, my children and yours too. I will always love you.

 

To Bubby 8/18/2015

Dan,

I miss you so damn much. When we were growing up, I was sad when we were apart for more than a dew days-even if we had been a vicious fight the day before. I was sad when you lived with dad in college. Now, that you’re really never coming back, it hurts, SO much. I can’t describe it, and I don’t know what I’m suppose to do. I need you to listen to my venting. I need to annoy you. I need you to get me out of my ruts. I need you to brag about how you saw that new movie or heard the new beck album before I did. I haven’t been able to do any of these things for the 3 years you’ve been gone, and I never will. I feel so void of some piece of me that will never be filled-ever.

There’s absolutely nothing in this world you could ever have done to make me love you any less. That’s something mom and dad always use to say. I probably knew that when you were alive, but I know it all too well now. Even the worst thing I could possibly think of someone doing that might make me hate anyone else for, I’d still love you even more. I wish I could give you a big hug, and say, “it’s okay, we’ll work through it, because you’re my brother and I love you”.

I am grateful though, you’re no longer in the tremendous amount of pain you were in when you took your life. I just feel so helpless that I couldn’t be with you. I feel like I failed you bail you out of it, after you bailed me out of so many things. I feel like I failed because I let you be alone when you were at your absolute loneliest. I feel like a failure because i couldn’t ease your pain or provide you any comfort. BUT YOU WOULDNT LET ME!! because you flew 500 miles away so no one Would find you Because you didn’t want to be found. And I’m afraid that I think I may feel like you may have felt in your last moments here.

But I have to forgive you and I do. Because I know you were very sick when you did what you did. I know you weren’t in your right mind. I know that with the sickness you had In your wonderful mind and beautiful heart, although I may hate it’s symptoms, it was the sickness that took you, not you. I know that because of that sickness, you were not physically, mentally, or emotionally capable of reaching out for help in a way that would have got anyone’s attention. And I know what that sickness is like because I’ve had it. And the only reason I’m still here is because some amazing people cornered me deep enough in my business before I had a chance to shut them out. So I forgive you. It’s okay. I love you unconditionally. And from now on, im making it a point to make everyone I come in contact with feel like they can trust me with anything, as best as I can. I won’t do it perfectly, but there’s people out there as sick as you were, and their loved ones don’t deserve to loose them especially if it can be avoided.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for teaching me how to always be true to myself. Thank you for teaching me not to sell out, no matter to who or what. Thank you for teaching me to always be searching, always be asking questions, and to never loose my curiosity, and when I see something I believe is wrong, unjust or dishonest, call it out!! Thank you for the richer life I have today just from you being in it for 28 years. I always have, do and always will love you with all my heart.

Love, Brian.

 

Really Greg-O

Dear Greg,

I have anger at you for succeeding.

I have anger at you for not calling one more time.

I rejoice that you are no more being chased by your demons.

I’m sorry we couldn’t give you a real funeral, that we had to cremate you and take you away from your home so you can sit on a shelf and wait til Mom dies to be buried with her.

You quietly strangled yourself. I know you weren’t alone, God was with you, either giving you the strength to continue on in this plane, or to come to Him. You chose Him.

I was affected by Dad’s death profoundly, you know he was my everything. But I’ll tell you Greggy, your loss, the loss of a sibling, is more difficult then anything I ever imagined.

Everyone is doing what they think is right. Yesterday Mark told Mom that your death was a suicide, Mom being Mom, wants to sweep this under the carpet, and not “tell” anyone what “really happened.”

My dear brother, the remaining 11 siblings left behind are all grieving in our own ways. This website may be a good outlet for me.

I love you and will miss you greatly.

Keep me protected, and watch over me between the awesome Rock and Roll concerts in heaven.

Mary Beth

The Demons Won…

 

Dear Pooh,

Today is 2 weeks since you made the choice to leave us. You were only 28! You left me, Dad, Danny, Bobby, Michelle and your children, Mikey & Maddie. That doesn’t even include the rest of the family. We know you had an addiction problem and we tried for 10 years to help you fight the demons. We helped you get into rehab when you asked for the help. We were more than willing to help you again and again until you were able to be strong enough not to give in to the cravings, the urges, the demons.

I am so thankful for the 7 months you were clean between last year and this year. And then the demons beckoned and we lost you first to them and then to the darkness. I have so many good memories but for the past 2 weeks all I can see is your face when we found you. I have nightmares, I can’t eat and Dad moved back to NJ so now I’m here in Florida with no family. Michael is helping me as best he can but he doesn’t know the grief I’m feeling. Losing someone to suicide is so much different than losing someone to cancer or even a heart attack. There are so many unanswered questions and no funeral services. We will have a memorial service next month when I go home for the birth of your nieces new baby. This was supposed to be a happy event. You’ve taken that from me. Now I will be there for the baby but then I have to help our siblings and Father plan your service. What you did was selfish. I understand you were in pain and missing mom and felt as though you couldn’t live without her. Now you’re with her and we’re here trying to process all of this.

I’m reaching out for help because I can’t eat or sleep. I’m having nightmares that are jolting me from my sleep and I wake trembling and crying and my heart feeling like it’s broken and never going to work again. I’m so thankful for my friends but even they are unsure how to proceed with me. I need to find a way to process this so I can get back to living. I have to live my life and in doing so, I hope you’ll be there watching over us all. In time, we will meet again but I have too much to live for to allow your untimely death to ruin that for me. I have enough issues with the fibro, problems with my legs and everything else to allow your suicide to break me. I AM strong and I WILL survive, for both of us. I love you and will miss you every second of every day.

Always,

Donna

 

Dear Danny

Dear Danny, it’s only been 4 days since you took your own life. I’m so sad and im angry with you. You left me an only child. You left me to take care of mom by myself. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I’m sad because I didn’t know that you were hurting so bad. That you thought this was the only way out. No one knew, everyone is shocked. We don’t understand and we will never have an answer. I’m sorry you we hurting. I’m sorry I didn’t know. I wish you would have reached out to me, to someone, to anyone. If I had one more day with you I would ask how you were. I would ask if you were happy. I would tell you how much you meant to me and tell you how much I loved you. I would do something silly just to hear your chuckle. I would tell you how smart you were and how I always looked up to you. I would tell you that no matter what I would always be here for you. I’ll never be able to tell you any of it now because you chose to leave. It’s not how it was supposed to be. My head hurts from crying. My eyes won’t stop. My heart is breaking…..

Debbie

 

Hey.

It’s a weird thing to say, huh? Hey. Like you never even left. I must tell you, that you made yourself die, but you left me here dead. I think I’m part alive part dead since you’re gone and I don’t know how to heal. I’m so hurt, and so HOLLOW, I don’t even know if I have anything left in me. Some days are okay, and some are awful. I don’t know how to cope with it, how to handle it, how to calm down, nothing. I’m so angry, but so sad at the same time that it makes the appearance that I don’t care. I think our mother is angry because I haven’t been at your grave for months I think. I hope you are not angry, but I just can’t go. People would think that since your suicide is a year and a half ago, things would be better now, but they’re not. NOT A LITTLE BETTER. Sometimes worse I think. And I’m angry and I’m disappointed and sad and horrified and scared and empty and depressive and hollow. Just hollow. I know it’s not okay, but I can’t help it. I don’t know how to help myself and no one else helps me. You see, you left, and my mother, our mother, is left without a son. And she is heart broken. But I…I sometimes have the feeling that I lost a brother and a mother. I know she is trying her best, but things are just not working. How could you break our hearts like that? I know I judge you too much, but what are you expecting? You, who are my older brother, who should protect me my whole life, who should spent the most of time in my life with me, left me, and broke my heart the most from all the people that ever broke my heart. And I’m angry because I know that I could have helped you. We all could. You left a group of people who admire you behind you, and we all could have helped.

People say that they feel their near dead ones with them, that they feel that they are present and that they are watching over you. I don’t feel that. Where are you? You said you loved me, yet….I don’t feel you. Or maybe I don’t let you near? Because I’m too angry and I can’t forgive you.

No one ever asks me how I’m doing, you know. Everyone says ”How’s your mother? Take good care of her, she’s hurting now, having a hard time.” Of course I will take care of her, because my broken heart doesn’t matter. I’m just your sister, right? I can’t be that hurt, right? But I am. I am broken and I am torn to pieces. I’m a shadow of what once used to be a human and guess what? No one even cares, because I’m just your sister.