To My Brother Tyler

The weight of my regrets is crushing and suffocating me. I am selfish because I know it does not even compare to what you were feeling. I miss you so much.
I am afraid to sleep, because I dream of you. In my dreams, I reach you in time, you are safe and you are coming home. Or you are living the life you should’ve had. I talk to you about silly things, and you give me one of those great big bear hugs. Then I wake up and I feel the excruciating loss all over again.
I wish you knew you could have come home. I should have called you and told you that. I got so caught up in my own crap that I took it for granted you would always be here.
It’s been 504 days. It’s changed me. I spend every waking moment trying to keep my mind off you and that day. I picture what you might have looked like when you were found. Were you crying when you did it or were you just ready. I can’t get Mom’s scream out of my head or her crumpled on the floor. I can’t focus when talking to others. My mind wanders 30 seconds into any conversation I have. My ability to retain anything said or read is now gone.
People seem to forget what I am going through and what I have lost. A part of me died with you that day. Some days it’s a struggle to get out of bed and function. But I am made to feel like I am lazy and a bad mom. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to accept it. I am not ready to face it. I want my little brother back.
I hope you are at peace. Our sister thinks you are. I wish I believed in something, so I could think that, too.
I love you, always.

One thought on “To My Brother Tyler

  1. Keep your head up girl! Seriously. No matter how long it has been since you haven’t had your brother in your life the same feeling still doesn’t go away for some people. Try to get up and live life like he would want you to. That might be easy to say but it sounds like if you’re being made out to be a bad mom then you need to express your feelings and really get down to it and get some time, even if it’s a few days away from your kids so you can breathe and really think about your life.

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