I’ll never forget my dads scream. He’s a SWAT captain- I’ve never heard him cry. But I mean it when I say it- he screamed at the top of his lungs while I was swimming in the condo pool. I was out in an instant and approaching his locked car. He pried at the locked door, and resulting in smashing the window with his elbow. There I saw him feeling my brothers pulse. He was sitting in the front seat, leaning slightly forward. I walked around the front of the car when my dad told me to run and get my sister and to stay in the room for a long time. But I didn’t listen. I stared at my brother, 19, my best friend, and our thousands of thousands of adventures we lived- zip lining in Costa Rica or playing hours and hours of video games. But he just sat there, blood seeping from his forehead, my dad’s off-duty .45 in his lap. Hearing my dad’s sobs as he held his dead son is something I wouldn’t have had nightmares of. I miss you mckellar. Rest in paradise.

I found this site and reading everyone’s stories and words are so very sad. I’m so sorry to all of you. I have realized we are a community bigger than I ever knew.
My 24 yr old baby sister commit suicide by firearm in January. She just finished her Masters. She was the most beautiful woman I ever knew. We were not super close due to age and distance. I cannot deal with the guilt. I missed 2 calls months prior and idk what she needed. I failed her. I got the text at 136 am from my mom that she was gone. The whole family is no longer speaking and I feel so very alone. I moved to Texas a few years ago and no one really knows me but they all know about this and I really feel closed and I can’t show anyone my pain bc they don’t care. I need support and don’t know how to ask for help. My tears don’t stop. What could I have done? I tried to see her last year and she couldn’t make time bc of work and we were fighting bc of it. I have to hold onto this now knowing she died thinking she didn’t have a caring sister and I really did love her. I tried herapy it didn’t change my thought process and pain. I want happiness again. I went to see Luke Bryan in her honor bc she loved country and it was painful. I told friends it was hard and no one ever responded to me when I told them I’m sad. I have 2 young kids and I’m trying to live for them and be happy as best I can. This is tragedy and I’m suffering in silence.

Yesterday would have been your 61st birthday, and the 1st anniversary of of your suicide is in October. Why am I still so angry? I’m more angry now then the days following your stupidity. Although not just at you and Karen, but mad at mom, dad and Jan. God knows Kris tried, but he stays out of my face now. Jodi is Jodi, but Jan is simply mean. Very mean. Which of course mom and dad dismiss as that just being who she is. You always said there was no excuse for bad behavior, but you left me here with them by your own bad behavior. I don’t know why this is hanging on so long with me.

Today is my brother’s birthday..I am just overwhelmed with emotions. But mostly I just miss him.

August 20th, 2017, I woke up thinking it would be another normal day. Little did I know I’d find my 20 year old brother laying on the ground next to the back deck with a noose above his body. My brother and I were close, I’m 19, having us only be a year apart in age (aka Irish twins). My fiancé tried cpr on him until emts and police arrived, my heart still sinks thinking about it. I’m an LNA and CPR certified myself, but I knew he was already gone. Not to mention I was 32 weeks pregnant at the time. This all happened less than a month ago, I’m still processing it all. I’m still waiting for it to feel real and it doesn’t. I feel like there is something I could have done, something I could have said to prevent all this. He didn’t leave a note, so all that runs through my mind is “why”. I wish I could just have one more conversation with him, I wish I knew where his spirit lingered or if he was ok and at peace. I miss my big brother, he always had my back, he even got into fist fights when we were younger and boys were picking on me. He was my best friend. I miss you, Nicholas Stephen Drohan. I would do anything to bring him back. 🙁

It has been a year and a half since I lost my only sibling, my older brother. Who had hung himself on the back porch of my parents house. We worked together, helped me run my business and were best friends. March 11th, 2016, my best friend, Corey and I saw our favorite comedian together. Dropped him off at my parents house that night and said goodbye and I remember looking into his eyes as I said it and he smiled. The memory is so vivid. It was that same night that he took his life…. I laid awake till 2am at my apartment alone, feeling “weird”. Woke up March 12th to a phone call from my uncle who was at my apartment to pick me up, he stated “you need to come outside and go to your parents with me….its your brother”. That is when my gut twisted and panic set in. Arriving to my parents house and hearing the truth on what happened, I lost myself in that moment. I can remember every detail of the drive there. Being with my grandparents, parents and uncle, just trying to take in the shock…. And the emergency respondents that came but were far too late to do anything, awkwardly standing around as we sob and share our last moments with him. Here I am, a year and a half later and most of the days I get by, just trying to feel normal and some days are normal but there is that part of me that is still lost. Tracing back to the steps on the last night I saw him. It is hard for my boyfriend and friends to understand why I act like I do now and I don’t even know how to explain it either. I feel alone, not wanting to tell people how deeply I still hurt. This is why I am typing this…..hoping that someone feels my pain. As a 22 year old in college, owning an auto detailing business, I feel like I am suffocating in this pain. I just miss him, as we all miss our siblings that have left us.

Creeping up on six years. I hear the songs I listen to after your death and they still make me sob. I drink pbr alone and cry. I want to say it gets better, but the reality is you just get better at hiding it. It fucking tears you up. Let it out because it will choke you. I used to black out for minutes, coming to sobbing. But now I just get drunk and cry. I listen to Sail or Little lion man and cry. I want to create a place for us. If you are on the Olympic peninsula, email me and we can create a group.

Two years ago my brother took his own life, I lost my best friend and I’ll never be the same person I was.
For thirty years he was always there, never judging me or leading me the wrong way, yeah we fought like brothers sometimes but that’s just how it is. We did everything together and went through a lot when we we’re kids so we always had that strong bond and knew we could count on each other, I’ll never get that back, a void that will stay with me the rest of my life. I love and miss him so much.
The part that really hurts is I have a seven year old daughter that looked up to him so much, the love he had for her was unreal, it broke my daughters heart when I had to tell her he was gone, being seven she doesn’t understand the reality of what happened, now when she gets older to a point when honestly I’m ready, I’ll have to re-live this and tell her the truth and break her heart all over again.
I am a veteran, did a tour in Iraq, and I can honestly say that his suicide messed me up more than what I went through during my military career, I think of him every single day, some days are harder than others but the one thing I have taken from this is you’re not alone and for that I’m extremely grateful.
After two years I still have the same heartbreaking feeling that hurts more than anything I can describe.
I’ve never really talked about it so thank you if you read this.

My sister Amanda… did you know when you shot yourself that you would take the whole family with you in one way or another? It’s been two years and the latest casualty is that our other sister left this earth almost 2 years to the day of your suicide. No, she did not go the same way. She had a heart attack. But who dies of at heart attack at her age? I cannot believe anything except that she died of a broken heart. I loved you so deeply; you were my best friend and I think you were her best friend too. She was so lonely after you left! I miss you too, but I am staying strong, by God’s grace, for the sake of mom and dad and your child and my children and my one last remaining sister. I ask anew, “why???”, and I know, but I don’t know, the reason. I hope I will see you again some day. Until then, I will cry more than I ever thought I could.

On April 25 I got a text from my little brother saying where he was and how sorry he was. Attached was a Google docs suicide note. At first I was confused on what I was seeing. Then it hit. Like a train slamming into me. I quickly went to the spot where he was and there was already a ton of cops and my parents. We waited for what seemed like forever and then they finally told us you had shot yourself in the head and were not going to survive.
I was still in shock as I told mikel over the phone what had happened since he was out of town. When we got to the hospital there were so many people asking questions. Cops nurses doctors surgeons social workers you name it.
We took you off the ventilator April 26.
Since then I’ve moved back in with mom and dad not by choice, sold my car, quit my job, and got dumped all because of what happened.
Here we are 4 1/2 months later and all I wanna do is scream at you. My life is completely ruined. I’m miserable without you and I miss you like crazy.