Subject: Years Later, and Still

March 31, 2003
I was 7 years old when it happened, now I am 22 and hurt more and more every day. My dear Iris had a scholarship to Yale Medical and would have been a successful doctor by now. I had a tumultuous few years when I was a teenager, and regret not following her footsteps. I am in college now, but have noticed how much I love my friends and how much I push others away. My mother blamed me for her death some years ago, mistreated me with an intense anger. (My sister was dating a family member at the time(which I knew of but didn’t really think much since I was so young, though I knew it was odd) , rejected by him when she didn’t want to marry him and he got a new fling, so she was devastated) Now I have so much sadness and hatred and fear of abandonment, I guess I never really got over it. Reading my fellow guest posts brings an immediate tear to my eye because I can’t imagine the recent feeling and my heart cries with you. In my heart yearns a deep burning love for none other than my sister, the one who could not receive it in the past 15 years, the one who I had hoped to be my guide for years to come, though our time together was cut ever so short. why didn’t she want to stay with us? we could have helped her go through everything. Every day, more so in my times of confusion and frustration, I wonder how different life would have been if she were here? How much happier my mom would have been? How much more love would be in our lives? Was she selfish or am I the selfish one? I only ever wonder why….

many thanks, dear bro

while I miss your earthly companionship, Ed, I relish the thought of your learning and growing at a different level
you are always with me; for that I am grateful
these lessons and learning – indeed the school of hard knocks
am told if we can master these earth lessons we can master anything, anywhere
see you soon!
much love,
D

It’s a been a month since my brother committed suicide. I feel like I’m not here anymore. I spend all day thinking of him and blaming myself. I’ve always been the rock in my family so I try to stay strong for my parents and younger brother. I honestly feel dead inside though. I’m ashamed to say that my little one will be born soon and I feel no joy. I know I’ll love him he’s going to be given his uncles name but I’m going to be sad that he’ll never get to meet his fun loving uncle Matt.

I just found this website and had no idea how many people this happens to. I’m 15 and my older sister passed away from suicide 2 months ago. It hurts everyday, I lost my best friend. I can’t go a single day without thinking about her. I missed a month of school when it happened, and I want to be able to think of my sister positively. Instead of feeling sad every time.

It’s been 3 and half year since my younger brother took his own life when he was at the age of 17. I was only 23. The pain was unbearable. He hung himself in his room and the first one to know about this was my mother. I would never forget how my mom came downstairs crying and talking insane. The pain was totally unbearable to my family and now I was the only child remaining. I never worried about mom and dad as my younger brother was very smart with studies and more mature comparing to me but now we don’t have him anymore. For the first 3 months I was very angry, like how could you do this? Why would you leave me alone? Why didn’t you think about mom and dad? Why would you take your life? I needed the answers but as time passed by, now I am more – all this happened because of me. Somehow I feel I am to be blamed. I should have been there for him as a elder sister. I should have helped him when he was having his hard time. I should have showed how much he meant to me. People say time will heal everything but my heart will never heal it never will never. The heartache will never end, instead it will be much bigger by each passing day. I cry every night remembering you thinking about how it would be if only you were with us. I wish if we could have time machine so I could go back to the time and tell you how much you mean to me my little one. My only wish is I want you back . My grandfather died after 2 yrs of my brother’s death and somehow I think grandad passed away quickly because of his grandson’s death. And my burden gets added. Now I cry every night but I don’t let anyone know especially mom cause I can’t add her burden anymore. I am strong in front of everyone but no one knows I cry every night, wishing only if you were here with us. Only if. Now I know I would never heal and time never heals; instead it adds more burden, as the day you passed away is still fresh in my mind as it was yesterday. Only if I could tell you how much you meant to me my little one. I never open up with people as most of them are my new friends from new university so they don’t know about my brother. The main thing why I don’t share is because they didn’t know my brother and I don’t want my brother to be remembered as just a guy who hung himself. They will never understand how much he meant to me so I just don’t like sharing. I just sit alone by myself and remember all those good days with my brother and cry. Only if You could come back my little one only if. You have left a big hole in my heart which will never heal. How I cry every day thinking I am all alone as I can’t share my feelings to mom and dad because I don’t want to add their pain anymore. I can’t offer them anymore pain apart from happiness which we rarely have since you left. I miss you so much brother and I love you to death. You were the best brother and I will always love you no matter what.

Not far from 3 years since my big brother’s Suicide. Part of me wants to say he was 16 yrs old and I was 14 yrs old, because that’s where my heart feels we were, but fast forward 25 years… Tonight I’m focused on the Rascal Flatts song WHY, and the lyric “was there anything I could have said or done?” Oh how I was I would have done things differently, was there anything I could have said or done – maybe; guess we’ll never know! My brain tells me it’s not my fault but my heart will always wonder… rest easy big brother.

After losing my youngest brother 4 months ago, my life has been in slow motion. I have had feelings that I never ever thought I would have, the only thing holding me together is my family that is very close to one another. This may sound odd – afterall, why would someone want to leave a loving family so violently & awful? Its left with an immense pain that feels like a broken heart that cannot be mended no matter what you do. Needless to say I am devastated! I was under the impression that I was the only person to feel this heartache and that no one could possibly understand how I felt. Depressed, confused, mad, sad beyond belief, anxious, lost, blame, lonely, devastated etc.etc. Unfortunately I was wrong. After reading daily, weekly, monthly posts on this site, I came to the realization that I was not alone. I was a part of this group “not by choice” that loves as hard as I do and hurts as bad as I do – feeling the way I was and understanding the unbearable pain I am going through! I embraced it with all my heart, thanks to this group, I have hope that together we will find a way to smile again and that there is hope even though it seems far away. If I had one wish, I would somehow try to make two wishes into one. I would wish to see my brother one more time so I could reiterate my love for him, hug & hold him, caress his face and most importantly let him know that I am proud to be his sister. The combined wish would be that every person thinking of suicide read all the posts on this site so they can realize the aftermath and massive impact this decision has on the people who love them and would do anything to save their life. Suicide ruins the lives of the people left behind! We are living proof… God bless you all.

I looked up to you. You were my only “full” sister. My only true sibling. We did everything together since I was born. You practically raised me being 10 years older. Nothing will ever be the same. I tried to find Happy and healthy since you couldn’t. I’m losing the battle too Trish. It’s not fair that you get to just give up and I have to stay here and deal. You were the smart one. You had the life skills to survive. I kept it together for my kids because I had to be a better influence then you. I still only keep it together for them. You have traumatized us all. We all tried to make you happy. You had it all. You were so smart. I know losing all your material things, job, boyfriend are heartbreaking things but you rebuild. You turned into an alcoholic and you just gave up. Why did you have to dwell so badly in your pain?? Why couldn’t you let it make you stronger. You told me you were going to get the phoenix rising tattoo. You told me you would never try to kill yourself ever again. You told me you would never put me through that again. I knew you were lying.

You went crazy. You were so drunk you called the cops. You kept trying to run down the street into traffic. I was happy she called the cops. The cops asked what I wanted and I said I just want her to go to bed. The cops asked her if that sounded ok and she said yes. That was it. We didn’t know she had a whole bottle of morphine hiding that she took from an expired patient of hers. She fell asleep forever and it will always be because I asked her to. I’ve never really had anyone to talk to about it. I had to move on quick and be a role model for my kids who she left beyond confused for a 7 and 10 year old. I thought it would get easier. I thought if I dove into finding happy and healthy that it would be ok eventually. I really did think I found it at some point, but I think I fell off the path because happiness is getting harder and harder to find again and I can’t stop thinking of you. You were my best friend when I had no friends. Thank you again for everything growing up. You spoiled me. It’s so hard going on without you. It’s almost Easter. Nobody else understands when I say happy easter and then make the Cadbury bunny chick noise. Bock bock ba gauck. Nobody hardly understands any of our inside jokes. I have no friends. You just really suck. Sorry whoever reads this. I’m pretty lost.

Two years and 10 months ago, my brother killed himself.
He was 23 years old.
He had his whole life ahead of him.
And it was all over in an instant.
To be exact, I have not seen my brother in 1,041 days.
And in those 1,041 days, I have had a lot of time to think.
To think about the night “it” happened, and the moment I found out.
The moment that changed my life forever.
To think about all those years leading up to that moment.
And what I could’ve done differently.
I’ve replayed that night over and over again in my mind.
“Zachary took one of my guns and killed himself.”
My whole world spun.
I collapsed to the hard concrete.
Instantly my body was filled with a fierce cold.
Even though it was a painfully hot southern summer night.
It was the moment that altered my life forever.
And from that moment I have learned many lessons, three of which I will share with you today.
Lesson #1: Life is worth living.
I don’t care who you are or where you have been or what you’ve done, life is worth living. I don’t care how depressed you are, suicide is not the answer.There is always a reason to hold on. There is always a reason to keep fighting.
If you are someone who has considered suicide or see it as a viable option, you have to understand that your decision will affect people more than you realize.Even if you truly believe that no one will care, no one will miss you, or people would be happier if you were gone — You. Are. Wrong.
I guarantee you. If you think I am flat out wrong, I encourage you to open up to someone in your life and tell them that you are considering suicide. Allow at least one person into your pain, into the darkest confines of your mind, and perhaps you will feel less alone and perhaps that person will help you understand why you need to stay.
And if you don’t feel like you have anyone in your life who you can go to (which I highly doubt), there are amazing resources out there to support you in this pain. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week: 1–800–273–8255.
Lesson #2: You are not alone in your pain.
The biggest lie depression will tell you is that you are alone.
This is incredibly false.
Everyone has something. The more you get to know people, the more you realize that everyone is struggling to survive in some capacity. Maybe you too have lost a loved one. Maybe you lost your job and are struggling financially. Maybe you lost a friendship or a romantic relationship. Maybe you struggle with chronic depression, social anxiety, insecurity, loneliness, etc.
I can guarantee you that whatever you’re going through, no matter how specific or how highly personal the situation may be, there is at least one other person out there in the world who knows what you are feeling, who has experienced what you have experienced, and who is willing to help you get to the other side.
I’ve always heard that life has a tendency to repeat itself, and the older I get, the more I realize how true this is. If life just keeps repeating itself, and if there are people out there who have faced what we have faced, why don’t we leverage the wisdom of those people?
Buy a self-help book, listen to a podcast, see a therapist — I don’t care what you do. Just do something. Just start somewhere. Better yet, start now.
Find a way to leverage the wisdom of those who have gone before you, those who have already known the pain of what you’re experiencing and can save you days, months, and years of more pain by guiding you through whatever you are going through.
Lesson #3: Gratitude is the only path to happiness.
Happiness does not lead to gratitude.
Gratitude leads to happiness.
We can focus on the fact that we lost my brother after 23 short years, or we can make the decision to be grateful for the 23 years he gave us.
You can focus on the relationship that suddenly came to an end, or you can focus on what you learned from that relationship and how it changed you for the better.
You can focus on the job that you lost, or you can channel all of your frustration and energy into finding something else.
Everyday when you wake up in the morning, you have a choice.
You can focus on what’s going wrong in your life.
Or you can strive to seek the light.
You can allow yourself to be filled to the brim with negativity.
Or you can strive to seek the light.
I don’t care who you are, you have a reason to be grateful.
Even if it’s only, “I am grateful for two eyes to see the world around me” —
That’s still something.
Life is worth living. You are not alone in your pain. And gratitude is the only path to happiness.
If you don’t know where to begin, start with those three simple concepts.
Keep repeating these phrases to yourself, even if you don’t believe them.
Life is worth living.
You are not alone in your pain.
And gratitude is the only path to true, lasting happiness.
If no one has told you this today, I am glad you are here.
I am happy you are alive.
You have a reason for being here.
A mission, a purpose.
And I hope you give yourself enough time on this planet to find that purpose.
Sincerely,
Someone Who Cares
Contact the author:
Haley Hoyle
hhoyle@alumni.nd.edu
medium.com/@hhoyle

Today has been 10 weeks. that amount of time feels like a year, a day and that you never left us all rolled into one.
sometimes I look at the clock at 1:08 AM on Thursdays and remember that’s when I heard the truck leave. I can’t get the sound of the truck turning on out of my head. You told me you were “fine” 13 minutes before you left the house. I thought you were going to Walmart or something. im still mad at you that you hid the notes from me. I know that you knew that I was probably the one that was going to find them. im mad that you texted me “night. love you” and then walked past my door and left the house to do what you did, leaving us. All you had to do was knock on my door. I wouldn’t have been mad that you had started drinking again. if you told me that you wanted to kill yourself I would have driven you to the hospital so fast you wouldn’t know what happened. I always wanted the best for you.
today, dad brought in the UFO you made for halloween. it’s huge and sitting above my car in the garage but it’s fine. it looks like it’s taking off into flight the way it’s leaning against the wall.
I miss you. sometimes I pretend that you’re at work and that you’ll just be home later.
I know that it was you that turned on the lamp on your nightstand the other night. did you do it bc you know that every time I leave and enter my room I glance to your bedroom? my counselor said that I should close your door, bc that’s probably setting me back but I can’t bear to do it. Do you remember that you left that lamp on when you left the house that night?
“hearts yo”