The sun will shine

Hello, I’m here to talk about my brother. He had always struggled with his thoughts, when I was 12 he was 22 he was living with his girlfriend opposite Multi storie car park, I was the last to see him on the day I ran up jumped in to his arms and asked “where are you going?.” He replied “I’m going to see (the girlfriend)” I said “ok make sure you come back tonight.!” I ended it by saying see you soon you tw*t love you loads.
Darren’s girlfriend decided she couldn’t cope with Darren always reliving the horrible things dad used to do so she wanted a break.. I came home to find everyone out our next door neibours took us in and we (me and my twin brother) helped with there wardrobe. My mum called us and said she was at the hospital as she fell and had broke her leg ( this was not true)There was a knock on the door it was dad we went round to ours and was sat in the front room it was strange as dad was there with two police officers they told us that Darren had jumped from the top storie building and that he was alive but in a critical condition.
We rushed to the hospital to find mum in a room alone and upset. I don’t think I knew how bad it was I was annoyed with mum for lying to me as I was worried and sad that she was hurt. Darren survived this but with serious injury’s. he’d broke his back- he had a metal plate in his back, his leg bones went through his ankles- he’d lost a few inches off his height, his nose was torn open- he had a large scar and he had chipped his tooth, his first words was howdy when he woke after he was realised we all helped. mum changed his heart line and I used to massage his feet-(I pulled a stich out once). He had Counselling and we thought he was getting better.
Five years later it was the one year anniversary of my grans death( she passed of cancer, Darren knew he couldn’t help but he tried to resuscitate her) the night before he and mum was talking about the flowers for the crem and he put plasters on her blister he was watching football like every other week end, he smiled at me when I came home and I went to bed.
The following day I was awoken to my brother shouting wake up Amanda wake up Darren’s dead he’s killed him self I went to the gate and he was there in the drivers seat his head had fallen to the side he looked as though he was just sleeping. He had took my mums car keys and had killed himself on the drive. He died of carbon monoxide poisoning.
We lost him on the 30 of December 2012 it’s been five years you think what could we have done different but there would have always been another way for him. We stay strong for our mother she’s suffered from depression since. I think about the songs we’ve sung and the amazing times we’ve had even iff it was just playing tennis or curbby.
Too me he’s still my brother even though he’s not here, I talk as much as I can about him his laugh his smile the way he made us all feel special.
I lost him just before my 18 birthday it still hurts everyday I’m now 23 I often get sad by thinking soon enough I would have spent more of my life without him then with. I miss him everyday. Although it still hurts you just gotta think when there is a storm no matter how bad the sun will shine it has too, no matter how long it takes it hurts less.

One thought on “The sun will shine

  1. Your message is very deep & heartfelt… My brother has been gone for almost 6 months and it feels as if it was yesterday… He died of a self inflicted gun shot, he was 45.. the last two years of his life he was misserable because he had been diagnosed with MS a disease that our older brother has been living with and has been disabled (bedridden) which is not how he wanted to end up, he kept saying he had a solution (suicide) and although we all tried to make sense of it; tried to talk to him he ultimately made his final decision and ended his life… What he didnt know is that he would end the few years our parents had left of their lives. Our mom is devastated, is 76 & cries everyday for my brother, my dad tries to be strong but also is devasted OUR life changed forever… As the days go by I can’t say it gets easier but we try to move forward and try our best to get past this inmense pain. So much guilt has gone through our heads, What if, should have, why didn’t I listen, etc.. but the cruel reality is that no matter what we would have done, he made the decision to leave us and that was that! I take comfort in knowing that he knew how much we loved him and knew we would of done anything for him, but only he knew his pain.. There are more storms in our life and I do look forward to the sunshine someday. From one loving sister to another, god bless you and may he hold us close to his arms & comfort us for one day we will all be reunited and his kingdom will have no end..

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