I can’t deal with this. (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

Subject: I can’t deal with this.

Scream. I want to scream my lungs out. I want to break everything and cry my heart out. I am feeling things which I cannot even put into words but what tops my list is WHY ME? Out of the billion million people in this world why did this happen to me?
It has been almost a month since I lost my brother, a term which I hate using anymore.
It feels like I have so many things to say but don’t know how to convert my thoughts into words. How to utter these words which will reassure that this is the reality. How to I accept something which I cannot believe is true.
I have questions and I have a handful of them. I am angry not only on him but everyone around me. I have guilt, lots of it. Why are people trying to be normal around me? Why are people laughing and doing what they are supposed to do? What is this? Do we just go on like this? Can we do nothing at all?????
I feel distant from each and everyone. People closest to me have their happy life and they are just sorry and sad for me. They just come, try to make me laugh and go. They leave me with these feelings all inside. Right now, at this very moment I am so annoyed how each and every person out there is doing some routine work in their life with no idea about what I am feeling. They are sorry that they cannot be present, that they have some other priority at this moment when I need them. I don’t understand how do I understand this? How do I understand that they are not here when I need them the most. I need them here all the time but I find myself all alone, all day long.

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4 Responses to I can’t deal with this. (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

  1. Sarah says:

    Not alone

  2. Colleen says:

    I want you to know I did scream so much and often. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel better after terrifying outbursts . I say this like the screaming has stopped but it was 7 years ago and I scream inside now. I let the pain consume me and now I wish I would have sought GOOD help to process this pain. I should be able to share memories but I can t speak like he’s gone. Please hold on.. We can and do go on from here but if anyone knows how i haven’t spoken to them. I think the pain is the same for many of us in the beginning but our survival is different for each of us. How can I say ” do this, it works”. When I’m still crying. I know it’s the loneliest pain imaginable. Words really can’t describe. I will say this, I see the pain at times as an object. A piece of furniture I’ve had since forever. I really wish I could get rid of it but it’s a part of me now. I walk by it 20 times a day and sometimes I don’t notice it for hours, that’s a good day, to me. Its dumb i know but I have isolated myself for so long. I hope you are feeling some peaceful moments soon.

  3. Sam says:

    I can totally understand what you are feeling right now. I lost my bro 3 weeks ago. he was just 17 yrs old.. I wish I could go back to that day and stop him from hanging himself. I feel guilty for not understanding what was unsaid. I miss him alot … I wish he was here.

  4. Guest says:

    I feel EXACTLY the same way. Screaming inside like there’s a black hole. Either i’m angry at everyone or numb. I can’t accept this reality and honestly don’t know how anyone can bear this type of heartache.

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