My brother and I were estranged until I was 15 and he was 19. We are half siblings and I didn’t know I had a biological father. I tried to get close. And he did too. We talked. Communicated and I felt like I had a new family(brother and older sister). This AM, while scrolling Facebook, i found his suicide letter he posted. He died just as he arrived to the hospital. I don’t know how I should feel, but I feel broken. I can’t express it. And I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes. I know we weren’t that close, but I had a brother and I was missing from his life for so long. Then the time we got was so short and not what I had hoped for. I feel so confused and lost.

Yesterday it was a month since i found you hanging in the garden. I’m still in so much shock. You were only 19, you had so much left. My older brother. I loved you, even though you were a pain in the backside sometimes! I miss you so much. There’s been a hole torn out of my heart. When I’m in school, I can’t focus, I feel overwhelmed. I can’t go into the dark anymore because I end up having panic attacks, because being in the dark brings me back to that night. I feel like I have no one to talk to, because I don’t want to upset my parents, but I have so much weighing me down with sadness. I miss you at dinner, trying to get the biggest plate. I miss you calling me all those annoying names. I miss hearing you singing along and dancing to the music in your headphones. It doesn’t even feel like you’re truly gone yet. I’m not sure if the grief has fully hit me.

The last words Jim said to me was “You’re dead to me”. He was my younger (18 months) and only brother. It was obviously a strained relationship due to his drinking. That was in February. Last Saturday morning, 9:03am (never gonna forget), I got that awful phone call. He hung himself on his ex-girlfriend’s back porch, out of spite, with an extension cord. I tried so long (34yrs) to help him but feel I’ve failed somehow for some inexplicable reason. I’m emotionally mixed up, like a rollercoaster and don’t understand why. Is there a support group available, one for sibling pairs who’ve experienced the loss of their other? Everything I find searching the ‘net assumes one has living parents. I don’t.

How dare you, how dare you leave me here alone. I know I sound selfish but I can’t help it, you and I both grew up in foster care but at least I had you! Now what? I’m alone, I’m terrified. I’ll try to continue but I’m struggling so hard… I miss every moment, even when we fought. Why’d you have to go?

Serg I cant believe its been 9 months since I’ve seen you, no text, no call, no hug, no “hi sis”, no “I love you sis” absolutely nothing I cant even dream of you.. I am so deperately hoping that you would appear in my dreams.. I feel like this is a nightmare that has gone on too long but I hate that in reality you are never coming back… I feel like as time goes by it gets a little less harder and I try to move on and remember all the great times together but then I have days that I feel terribly guilty that I couldn’t do more for you.. The words “I am hitting rock bottom” keep going through my head, did I do enough, could I have done more??? Why did you do this to our family, we are so broken, our mom is on such a low that its tough to see her.. She has taken the worst hit of us all. God continue to help us, we need healing, love, comfort, peace, unity please through you all things are possible. This is what keeps me going is believing and having faith in god, especially knowing that we will be reunited someday.. RIP my little brother, your sister that loves & adores you always & forever.

My brother committed suicide almost 5 years ago. He was 26 at the time and had just been married for less than a year and had a baby of only 3 months old. The last time I spoke to my brother we had a fight on the phone, it was insignificant but still it was the last time we spoke. To make it worse I honestly forgot to congratulate him for his birthday a few weeks before his death. My brother lived in another country but still we were very close, he was my best friend. I know he wasn’t angry with me when he left us, but the guilt still eats me up inside. Its been 5 years and I have gone on with my life, but someways I still feel very lonely and empty inside. Nothing has filled the void of losing my brother. Writing has seemed to help me.

As you know Tim, I lost you at the age of 22 to suicide, you were two years older than me. This was in October of 2006
I’d had issues living life on its own terms prior to this but after hearing the news, any tangible value that I saw in life was ripped from me in an instant.
Just shy of twelve years on and I’m still not able to function well enough to hold down employment. I feel like my soul has been broken, never to feel whole again no matter what I do.
When you suicided, life lost whatever sparkle it had. I lost my innocence.
I lost my belief that the world was fundamentally a good place or that people were fundentally good, albeit with their own issues as everybody has.
I realise how much this may read as if I’m stuck in self-pity, but it’s not as if I’ve sat on my hands and just self-pitied the last 12 years away; I’ve tried to move forward with my life and find new reasons to live instead of just exist, but all attempts have resulted in the same end result, my emotional volatility and this feeling of feeling defeated constantly. Anger, denial and confusion still plague me.
I’ve recently been seeing a psychologist which made a decent difference, but he’s moved jobs and I need to find another one. This has resulted in me feeling like I’m back at step one. At least I’ve found a clinical psychogist and will be seeing him tomorrow for the first time. He specialises in trauma and issues surrounding trauma.
I’m constantly tormented by a lack of trust in other people now aswell, moreso than I used to before he died. I distrust their loyalty or genuineness and always have fear that they’ll abandon me like he did.
I have to have hope that I’m finally going to get to the bottom of the barriers which are keeping me stuck, or life really would be pointless. It often feels like it is anyway since he died. I don’t use substance to suppress my emotions anymore and have been clean for 13 months, aside from a few beers nearly a week ago. I’ve realised that self-medicating my torment isn’t the answer anymore.
I want to live instead of this existence I’m scratching out, I just don’t know how. I can’t give up because I’ve come too far. P.s I don’t want to either. I will not be another suicide statistic. At least I’m grateful to not have any desire to end my life.
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.
Does any of this letter ring true to anyone else?