Missing Sarah

My sister Sarah took her own life on February 22nd 2020. We were a family of 11 kids and she was my oldest sister. Although we weren’t close growing up and butted heads more often than not, as I got older and became a teenager, the 8 year difference between us didn’t seem to matter and she became one of my best friends. It almost seems like an understatement to say that I loved her more than anything on this earth. It’s funny how you don’t think your happiness depends on any one person until that person leaves with no explanation, and you are never going to see them again. And suddenly life loses a lot of its color.

Sarah embodied what being an older sister means in every way. She had the annoying habit of bossing me around and acting like she was my mom (one of the many reasons we butted heads as kids) but she also could make you feel like the most loved and important people in the world. She put so much pressure on herself to be this perfect example for me and my siblings, so much so that every time she felt she made a mistake she would beat herself up over it and allow herself to feel guilty. I would always tell her that nothing she could ever do would make me stop loving her and that I would always have her back, because I knew that no matter what, she would have mine. I still wonder if she ever fully believed me. I hope she did.

There’s a lot more to my relationship with Sarah, the past 4 years put a big strain on it. But I never stopped loving her, and I would have died for that kid. I guess what hurts the most is that she couldn’t live for me or the rest of my family. I never gave up on her, but she repeatedly gave up on herself. I will never know what went through her head on the daily, her journals only tell a very small part of her story, but I would have gladly helped her carry it if she trusted me to. It’s hard not to feel rejection and I guess right now I’m in that stage of grief. Not having anyone to talk to only makes it harder. Sarah’s death has seemed to make strangers of every single one of my family members, and even though my family is so big, I have never felt more alone in my entire life. I know if Sarah was here she would help me carry all this, and I wouldn’t be going through it alone. I guess that’s what I miss the most about her. I hope that she doesn’t see all what’s going on right now, cause the only peace I have is at least she’s happy where she is at, and if she saw the heartbreak her leaving caused, she couldn’t feel happy. I really do hope she’s happy, that’s all I ever wanted for her.

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