Me and Livy

I feel like I’m dying. I feel like I’m being ripped apart. It was always me and you Livy. Always me and you against everything else. My soul feels like its being flayed open and I’m being burned alive. I can’t describe this pain I feel.

I was the only f** person you wrote a note to before u did it. That makes me want to scream until my body gives up. I’m so so so so sorry that I didn’t know. I would’ve slaughtered the world for u Livy. I wouldn’t given my own life for you. I’m so f** sorry you didn’t know that.

I can’t stop thinking about the time at grandma’s when we were all sitting at the table going around and saying things we liked about each other. It was my turn to say something about u and I just looked over at u and looked u in the eyes and we both started tearing up. I didn’t even say anything. I didn’t even need to say anything, we both just knew. Without words we just f** knew.

I can’t do this without u. I keep waiting to wake up. You’re in a vegetative state. You tried to OD and u didn’t die but you fried your brain so bad you went into a coma. Papa and Hannah found u after u were missing for 2 days. You’re a vegetable Livy, and every day for 47 days we’ve been going to the hospital to sit at ur bed. It’s been the worst kind of torture possible. They say you will never be Livy again. They say you will stay like this unless we make a decision to stop it. To kill you. I want to scream with agony that you left us with this decision. No human should have this decision to make.

You ruined me and I want to hate you so bad. My brain thinks it will be easier. I want to but I can’t. It’s not possible because it’s just you Livy. It’s just you my little sister. My soul won’t let me hate you.

I get mad because sibling doesn’t feel like a strong enough word. It feels like you reached inside me and killed me when you tried to kill yourself. I don’t know what other word would be more fitting. Soulmate?

I find myself thinking the worst things ever. How I wish I would’ve died instead of u. I’m a horrible f** person. I look at you and I just see myself. Everything that is me is you. I can’t live like this Livy. I just f** can’t.

2 thoughts on “Me and Livy

  1. I feel this so hard…to a T of how I’m feeling. So sorry you don’t have your person anymore. My identical twin sis was that person. I keep reading it it will get better. It’s been 9 months and it’s only getting harder. I can’t imagine having to go to the hospital every day and watching it before your eyes. So sorry for your pain. Big hugs and love to you!

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