Dear Joshua

You left us on November 1st, and your funeral is in 2 days. This is the hardest thing I have ever and will ever go through. But I’m not mad at you. I don’t know why, because I feel like I should be but I’m just not. I’m upset you didn’t want to come to me, knowing I’ve been where you are and I got through it. You’re the older one, and the selfish part of me is thinking like “you’re supposed to set an example for me” but the other part, the part that saw the pictures of you during your last month here, sees how tired you looked and how you lost all your happiness for some reason. I don’t understand anything anymore. You never let anyone know you were depressed and I don’t know why. We could’ve helped you, I would’ve been on the first flight to see you. And I’m so upset for your fiancé Amanda. You left her all alone in a state where she doesn’t know anyone and needs a plane to get home. How could you do that when you guys were supposed to get married in April. Things would’ve gotten easier. I don’t know if you did this because of the money problems you were having, but I pray to God it was more than that because that could’ve been fixed. I think I’m just looking for someone to blame because I don’t wanna put it on you when really you are the only one to blame. I hate saying that. It’s only been 2 and a half weeks and I miss you every second of every day. I wish I told you that you’re my best friend. I used to tell everyone that, my clients, my therapist, literally everyone else but you. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. The day before you died I wrote an essay for school about you and how you became my best friend over the years. I wish I sent it to you, maybe it would’ve changed your mind. We all miss you so much. This feels unbearable. You wrote an 11 page letter and now over 90 people are coming to your funeral, you had to know how much you were loved. It kills me not knowing if you’re okay and if I’ll see you again but it’s the only thing that gets me through the day. I don’t think this feeling will ever go away. I miss you so much. I don’t know a life without you I mean you were there the day I was born. Nothing makes sense anymore. I can’t sleep, eat, go to work or go to class. All I can think about is you. You helped me through EVERY single thing I’ve gone through, big or small. I would call you immediately and you would just let me vent and give me the best advice anyone ever did. And now it feels like I don’t have anyone. Right before you did this, you were talking to your best friend, making plans to come home for Christmas. You told him you were going grocery shopping and instead you shot yourself. What happened? What made you snap? Or were you already planning this because it was the day after dads birthday and you didn’t want him to have to go through this on his birthday. But the day after doesn’t make it any better. Nothing does. I am so sad and heartbroken. I feel like I want to end my life too so I don’t have to live with this forever. Now when mom and dad die, I’m gonna be all alone. Did you think about that? Did you think about me before you did this? Do you know how much I love you? All I keep asking myself is why. What was so bad you couldn’t fix and why didn’t you ask for help. You had to know what this would do to us. I keep picturing your body and it hurts so bad. I feel like I’m going insane and I can’t stop torturing myself. You were the funniest and kindest person I’ve ever known and I’m not just saying that because you’re family. Everyone else agrees too. Everyone’s worried I’m gonna go back to drugs like I did when I was 21 but you would be so disappointed in me. I can’t do that to you. And thinking about the future hurts so bad. I’m scared to leave the house because if something were to happen to me, I’m the only one left. Mom and dad would not be okay. I feel like there’s so much pressure on me to not get hurt. And I feel there’s pressure to have kids even though I never wanted them. I was supposed to be the “cool aunt”. But now, if I don’t have kids, our family ends. There will be nothing left of you on this earth. I don’t know how to come to terms with that so I think I need to have them because a world without a part of you doesn’t make any sense. Josh you were only 28. Turning 29 in December. I already bought you your birthday card before this happened. You didn’t even start your life yet and you spent so much of it protecting me and helping me and saving me but I couldn’t even save you this one time. I keep thinking about when you texted me at 2am in august asking if I was up. Was that the night you wrote the note? If I was awake would you have talked to me and told me what was going on? When I called you the next day I asked you 15 times if you were okay and you kept saying yes. But what if I answered that night. Maybe things would be different. Mom and dad are crying all the time. And you of all people know mom hasn’t been the same since her brain injury so it really just feels like it’s me and dad. Is that why you were depressed? Because mom isn’t the same as she used to be? Did this start when the accident happened? You took such good care of me, you were the ONLY one who really understand how it felt to see her in a coma for so long and now I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. I know you were tired and hurting. And a small part of me is happy that you’re not anymore. I hope with time that happiness grows as I realize you made your choice and you couldn’t handle it anymore. I don’t know if I’ll ever accept this but I will continue to pray to you and God that I do. And I pray I will see you again one day. Never seeing you again doesn’t make any sense to me, so I HAVE to see you one day.

I love you more than anything in this world. And I will miss you forever. I hope you found peace, and I hope you’re okay. Get some rest. I love you.
Love,
Casey

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