Category Archives: Letters

Julianne

Guest Post, Letters
You took your own life April 20th at 56 years old. When we heard that you never made it home the night before, we were hoping you had gone to your cabin which you said so many times, spoke to your soul. We were hoping that you needed some quiet and calm being surrounded by nature.
I will never forget that afternoon when the police cars pulled into my driveway. One officer told me to have a seat. He then told me that you had been found and that he was sorry to tell me that you were deceased. You took your life in the very place that spoke to your soul. Your happy place. My stomach turned, I couldn’t think, couldn’t drive. I instantly felt the urge to scream WHY???
I asked how you died. The method you used was something that you had to have researched to find. We have found your journals. You planned this for some time. Just waiting for the final straw. I know that you have fought mental illness most of your life.
The last time you were here I repeatedly asked you how I could help you, did you need to go to the hospital. You stood up, told me you were fine and walked out the door. Why wouldn’t you let me help you? You walked out the very door I expect you to come walking through every day since.
Where four siblings once stood, stand only three. Our children and grandchildren are taking it the worst. How they loved their Aunt Julie. Emily kept your ashes in her room until your burial. She couldn’t handle the thought of you being kept at the funeral home. Your urn was taken to Dylan’s new house. He was so excited for you to see it but you never will. He wants you to be proud of him. That’s how much they love you. You were surrounded by love but your illness didn’t allow you to see or feel it.
You have also put me in a hell of a spot. I was the one that had the police do a welfare check on you so I was the one that was told about your death. had to call and make arrangements to have your body brought home, I had to call the medical examiner and hear about the position they found you in, I had to call the funeral home, I had to tell my family that you were gone. How could you have done that to me?
You left before mom’s 80th birthday in August. We were planning a party for her. I don’t know how we can celebrate her life when all we’ll be thinking about is how you ended yours and left us heartbroken.
Your siblings, nieces, nephews and mom had to get rid of your clothes and toiletries so your boyfriend of 15 years could semi function in the house that he shared with you. The house next door to ours. Your choice to end your life has left a trail of devastation. Now I get to be the executor of your “estate”.
I hope that you have finally found peace and are free of pain. Your family and friends’ pain has just begun.
My pain has just begun.
Your sister

Travis, I miss you

Letters
Hey bud, it’s been a little over 3 1/2 years since you left this world and I can’t help but imagine how my life would be different with you still here. I graduate from Doane in 2 weeks! Aren’t you proud? The last time I saw you was for Doanes homecoming my freshman year.. crazy how time flies that quickly. I promise I haven’t forgotten about all of our memories. I share your story and our laughs all the time to the people who care to hear. I promise I’m doing good. It’s just hard without you here, especially on days I remember walking around Campus with you and Dad. Do you remember going to chilis after the football game? We were fighting about the stupidest things. I told you to call me if you ever needed anything… so why didn’t you? I didn’t want my last hug to be with you on my birthday 🙁 .. the last time I heard your voice… the monody of your voice is slowly fading which scares me.. what if I forget about my little brother? My best friend? I miss you so darn much Travis. Please continue to look over me. I love you so much

Daisy

Guest Post, Letters
My sweet girl,
I miss you. I have no words. I have nothing to say. I just have this heaviness in my heart. I love you. Memories of you keep flooding my head. There are so many things we’ve done together,  so many moments we’ve  shared. The good, the bad, the silly, the crazy. It’s been a year and throughout this year, there’s nobody whom I have shared any such moments with. Nobody knows me like you did. I remember the way you talked,  you walked, the way you were so obsessed with your hair and skin, how you would always have a bottle of water with you to drink, the way you’d always have your cozy night dress on before sleeping,  how you loved animals and they loved you back, how kind, how sweet, how much of a good driver you were, your kind of songs and your love for food, your beautiful hair, skin, your long hands, your well kept nails, how you’d dance, your smile, how you’d raise your hands up when your stomach ached from laughing too much. The thing is Dei, I just miss you so much that I don’t cry anymore. It hurts too much. I want to see you. I will hold on to all the memories I have of you until I see you again.
I’m sorry.

Hey Johnny, Fly High, Baby Brother

Guest Post, Letters
Hey Johnny, I wasn’t ready to lose you. You took your life on the 19th of last month. It’s been ridiculously hard without you. I wish I could talk to you again, I wish I could’ve given you a hug and tell you everything was going to be okay.
I got you out of our toxic families house in October, you had lived with me since then. When you left to visit them, you never said goodbye, or gave me a hug before you left, like you normally did. I wish I could’ve saved you. You kept me grounded all these years and I feel so lost without you.
You’re my baby brother, we were going to go bowling on your 21st birthday, we were five months away from celebrating your birthday before I got that phone call.
They wouldn’t even bury you. They cremated you, turned you to ashes. And guess what necklaces they chose to carry you around in? A bullet. It’s horrific that they don’t see anything wrong with memorializing you that way.
You were the purest person I knew. You were my best friend. You were the one person in the world I felt wasn’t against me. I never thought I’d outlive you. Dad has been pretty broken but he’s been emailing me, checking up on me. Dad didn’t leave your side after you passed. I wish I could’ve been there, this was the first time I truly hated living so far away from our hometown.
They took pictures after the doctors called time of death, I haven’t had the closure, until today when dad sent them to me. I wish it weren’t real. I wish you were still here. I wish you didn’t leave the world so soon. You were like a guardian angel in my life, and I wasn’t ready for you to leave. I don’t think I ever would’ve been.
My heart breaks everyday, but I’m trying. No one in life ever prepares you for the heartbreak of losing someone you love. I love you, Johnny, forever and always, you’ll always be my baby brother. My twin born four years late.
-I love you so much, Katie

To Angela an Angel always

Letters
Dear Angela,
God it’s hard since 3 years ago you decided you no longer wanted to be here with me to speak your name without realizing “you are really gone.” I often find myself waking up in the middle of the night wanting to pick up the phone to just hear you or dads voice whether it’s laughing or you making those crazy cat noises resembling Bubbles or Binkie…I guess I will never make those long hour drives from Beaufort to Atlanta to see you and dads face light up when I am in town, we’ll maybe not dads but yours. I keep remembering the time we had lunch together after dad died at your favorite Chinese restaurant The Panda. We had so much fun because we really bonded and talked as sisters and even though I was married for that moment I pretended that I wasn’t and we were young teenagers just leaving the nail shop after getting our nails done or that we just left the kingdom hall and talked about Jehovah God all day. I loved how you use to encourage me to keep studying gods word and to work toward baptism. I was so proud when u got baptized and gave your life to Jehovah though I loved the old Anne that could dance her butt off to MC Hammer songs and always carried a beautiful note singing “Im missing You Baby” by Anita Baker. You know Trina your best friend that lived around the corner from us still have the videos I taped of you dancing and singing. You could or should have been a star because you were a triple threat in everything you did. Even though I was older than u you acted more mature than me. You always knew how to make me laugh and make me cry at the same time. The memories we had as sisters was beautiful because I watched you grow into an independent beautiful black women that along with me carried much weight of our disruptive household but we still managed to make the best of it. You was my rock and u kept me sane when I felt the pressure of no friends, a father that loved me but taunted me for my mistakes and a oldest sister I wanted to be like in every way that wanted me dead than alive. I guest I really latched o to you because no one else liked me or deemed me worthy as a human being. Being picked on a lot growing up u always had my back even though I didn’t always have yours I really tried to make up for not being there after mom died. I ran away and I know that hurt and confused you because when I came back I wasn’t your sister anymore I was someone different that been in the streets and u wanted your sister back but the damage was already done. I really miss you sis and there’s so much I wish I could have said and we could have talked about but I guess I was late and wasn’t there for you at the time you needed me the most and I’m sorry for that. I know I will see you soon and me you and the whole family will be together again this time on a paradise earth Jehovah promised those who love him where we will never die, never say “I am sick, never cry or hurt anymore or feel fear or unhappy because the former things will have been just a memory. I love you and I think about you everyday. I promise you we will be together again as a family.

Why?? Simon

Letters

I was just 15 when you committed suicide. Now I’m 16 and you died one and a half years ago (sorry English is not my first language). I just can’t understand why you did this to me – I loved you so much. I hope you are now happy in heaven. And that I can live my life without being so sad and unable to love another guy because I’m scared that everyone I love leaves me. I hope I can forgive you one day. I’ll miss you forever….

K

Letters

K,
It’s been almost 7 years since you left. I keep switching back and forth between being angry at you and just overwhelmingly sad. The more I try to be around people and fill the gap you left in my life, the bigger the gap feels. I’m still bffs with E and she talks about wanting kids. I’m glad I get another chance at being an aunt but I don’t want to be an aunt to her kids I want to be an aunt to yours. I feel so lost still. I’ll never get used to not having a big sister trying out new experiences before I have to. I feel lonely in a way that being around people can’t fix and that’s because I’m missing a chunk of my life. Things will never be truly okay for me. You ruined my life but I still love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone on this planet.
I have a lot more I could say but it doesn’t really matter because you’re not here to hear it.
Love you,
G

Josh…..

Letters

Dear Josh,
I sincerely don’t know where to start this….. I guess I have questions… Why did you have to go? Why did you have to leave all of us?
I feel like I failed you, Josh. I was your big sister. It was my job to protect you and for whatever reason, I couldn’t protect you from your demons. For that, I feel guilty. I wish I had told you more that I am just a phone call away. I wish I had told you I love you more. Thank you for teaching me that I need to make sure that our brothers and sister know this ALL THE TIME!
Before you got really lost you were the most vibrant person I knew. You never cared what other people thought. Ever. You marched to the beat of your own drum always.
You were BRILLIANT, little brother! You could fix literally anything…. and while I didn’t always listen to you about cars and stuff, I knew you knew better than me. I’ll remember to change my oil filter on my car now…
You loved with your whole heart and I know that loving that way is part of what opened you up to the pain that took you from us.
We didn’t always see eye to eye, in fact, when we were kids we were often trying to take an eye out from each other. But the night I came home from a work party and had had too much to drink, you were the one who volunteered to help me up to my room…. Even though I didn’t deserve anyone’s help. That was our relationship until the darkness came. It didn’t matter if we were fighting, we were always there for one another….. Until the darkness came.
I know that you have no more pain. I know you aren’t angry anymore. I know with everything that I am that you are up in heaven with all of our loved ones who went before you. I’m sure some of them had a few choice words for you, but you are free. The world was just too heavy and painful to bear. Fly high with the angels baby brother. Bowl with the angels during the storms so your kiddos, niece and nephews know you’re with us, dance! Sing! There is no more judgement, no more hostility. No more anger. No more resentment.
Give our grandparents love from those of us who are still earthside. Hug Aunt E and Uncle D and tell them everything is ok down here. Wait for me, ok? I’ll see you on the other side.
Love,
Your Big Sister

I miss you every day

Guest Post, Letters

My little sis not a day goes by when I don’t miss you. That day when my hubby told me you had gone was the worst in my life. We’d lost dad but nothing could prepare me for that day. On the weeks before you went I thought I’d got you, we talked and talked and I thought I could save you. You told me you were going to die of this illness, I said are you going to take you’re life. You told me NO! Your were in so much pain and I knew I was losing you like we did with dad and I couldn’t stop it. These last 9 months have been the hardest, longest times in my life . I wanted to join you and dad and felt jealous you had peace. I couldn’t leave mum, my hubby (my rock) and my precious son an daughter and my future. I couldn’t leave your husband and my niece . I wish you had left a note to them so they knew why but I understand your decision to do what you did there was no reason or rhyme. Those left behind your family, friends and those who know you are living with that and I wished you knew how much you were loved and respected. All I know is I will never know the answers, never have our future together and will never be the same person again. But I know that you are with us, I talk to you every day and find comfort you are at peace. I cannot plan for the future, but I don’t look into the past. I live for now. Love you always and forever.

To my little brother

Letters

It was just another Tuesday evening during Covid isolation when my mother called me. I was by the kitchen table, eating with my youngest. She asked me if I was sitting down, and I knew – this is the call I had feared receiving for years. I pulled myself away to our bedroom to face the devastating news that you had finally done it. Alone, in your apartment, in your bedroom, where my mother had found you and made the emergency call just few minutes earlier. She was now waiting for the police. It was too late to help you anymore, you had left this world almost 15 hours ago, soon after you had written the final note by hand, in despair at 4.20. a.m.
After brief discussion with my wife, we decided to be truthful to our children and told them that you, their sole uncle, had taken your own life. I remember thinking, what if there has been a misunderstanding , what if the paramedics have arrived and they have been able to resuscitate you. Then I did not remember you had a living will to deny that. It was hard to think straight, it felt like a nightmare. Half an hour later I found myself driving through the darkness to my mother’s. Not crying, but in shock. Time for tears wouldn’t come until a couple of weeks later and then they wouldn’t stop.
You were my best friend, my little brother,
my only sibling. I remember your birth, and now, after 40 years it is again time to learn to live without you – and that is incredibly saddening. I have been preparing myself for this for the past years, while you struggled with your health and talked openly about your will to end your life. I kind of let myself to accept the fact that you are no longer living while you were still alive. I should have faught harder for you! Yet I know I tried my best. During past years we opened up to each other about our deepest fears and anxieties, but yet I wasn’t able to heal you – nobody was. I question myself whether I should have gotten you admitted to mental hospital against your will. I used to think that our mother shall do that if things come to that point, but neither of us had the guts try that. It is easy to regret that now, but I was afraid how you would have reacted.
We were similar in so many ways. We enjoyed the same kind of music, followed same sports, struggled with same kind of insecurities, and enjoyed staying up late to discuss philosophically about life. God I miss those conversations. Yet you were always the more artistics fellow, the one who wrote poems and dreamt of being a rock star. The one who felt more deeply, even too deeply, so it seemed. Living so much in your head, especially after you gave up working out, since you felt it was bad for you.
You used to be the lead man of your band, but you had given up that hobby a couple of years ago – like you had given up your job already earlier. An important job where you helped people to cope with their mental problems. Seemed to me that you were working yourself to give up everything and it scared me. You were no doubt good in your work helping others, like you were in everything that you chose to pursue. Just that you had no energy left to pursue much, not since your relationships had fallen apart, one after another. You once compared yourself to a bad battery, which just wouldn’t charge properly, no matter how much you rested.
I can’t say that I didn’t know the amount and depth of your suffering. I did. I had witnessed it my own eyes and it was a constant dark shadow in the back of my mind. I had seen you at your weakest. I had once convinced you that life is still worth living. You thanked me for that later when you felt better, but the problems didn’t go away.
You were reluctant to take anymore meds, saying your body can’t tolerate them any longer. After decades of medication, your brain had ”rebooted”. You were offered to start new form of electrical brain therapy by your doctor, but that scared you too much. Probably you feared it would drain you even more. You had asked our mother’s blessing on your decision to end your own life, which she of course denied. You wouldn’t accept any intervention either: “no intervention, unless I would be in psychosis one day”. Now I wonder that you might have been in psychosis – why else would anyone choose the darkness over life. But then again, your belief was that this is not everything. That soul will move on. I think that was a comforting thought for you, designed to keep your fear of death at bay, but which ironically made the death by suicide more appealing. You neither had will to live nor fear of death – and that was a fatal combination.
We were supposed to grow old together, you and me. Supporting one another. Now it is just me left and our elderly mother and father. Nobody to share the same childhood experiences anymore, and that makes me feel so alone. I feel guilt letting you down and at the same time anger for you leaving me. You once said it is not selfish to take one’s own life, but it is selfish to ask someone to live when the person has lost will to live. I wish I had challenged you on that, but maybe it wouldn’t have changed your decision.
I found poems you had written. Poems of a romantic man, longing for love and acceptance. Might it be that you suffered from a broken heart more than anything else? Your own view was that problems with lack of energy were primarily due to a physical illness. I had no option but support you on that fight, but now I think the origin of your tiredness might have been more of a spiritual nature. Your mind was not getting nurture and love it so badly needed. We are not built to live alone, without a partner.
I am still today dealing with guilt. I feel I should have done more. The guilt almost crushed me in the first weeks. The feeling is still there, but I now understand that it was your own choice(s) that took you from us and it was not my fault what you did. Your death was the end result of a process that took years.
I am grateful of having you as my little brother and you are always with me. So you were right – your soul lives on in all of us who loved you. Thank you also for leaving such kind suicide note, giving absolution to us who were left behind. But if you’d only been able to see how sorely you are missed, I wonder would you still have done it?