From your sister,
T.M.N
I was just 15 when you committed suicide. Now I’m 16 and you died one and a half years ago (sorry English is not my first language). I just can’t understand why you did this to me – I loved you so much. I hope you are now happy in heaven. And that I can live my life without being so sad and unable to love another guy because I’m scared that everyone I love leaves me. I hope I can forgive you one day. I’ll miss you forever….
K,
It’s been almost 7 years since you left. I keep switching back and forth between being angry at you and just overwhelmingly sad. The more I try to be around people and fill the gap you left in my life, the bigger the gap feels. I’m still bffs with E and she talks about wanting kids. I’m glad I get another chance at being an aunt but I don’t want to be an aunt to her kids I want to be an aunt to yours. I feel so lost still. I’ll never get used to not having a big sister trying out new experiences before I have to. I feel lonely in a way that being around people can’t fix and that’s because I’m missing a chunk of my life. Things will never be truly okay for me. You ruined my life but I still love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone on this planet.
I have a lot more I could say but it doesn’t really matter because you’re not here to hear it.
Love you,
G
Dear Josh,
I sincerely don’t know where to start this….. I guess I have questions… Why did you have to go? Why did you have to leave all of us?
I feel like I failed you, Josh. I was your big sister. It was my job to protect you and for whatever reason, I couldn’t protect you from your demons. For that, I feel guilty. I wish I had told you more that I am just a phone call away. I wish I had told you I love you more. Thank you for teaching me that I need to make sure that our brothers and sister know this ALL THE TIME!
Before you got really lost you were the most vibrant person I knew. You never cared what other people thought. Ever. You marched to the beat of your own drum always.
You were BRILLIANT, little brother! You could fix literally anything…. and while I didn’t always listen to you about cars and stuff, I knew you knew better than me. I’ll remember to change my oil filter on my car now…
You loved with your whole heart and I know that loving that way is part of what opened you up to the pain that took you from us.
We didn’t always see eye to eye, in fact, when we were kids we were often trying to take an eye out from each other. But the night I came home from a work party and had had too much to drink, you were the one who volunteered to help me up to my room…. Even though I didn’t deserve anyone’s help. That was our relationship until the darkness came. It didn’t matter if we were fighting, we were always there for one another….. Until the darkness came.
I know that you have no more pain. I know you aren’t angry anymore. I know with everything that I am that you are up in heaven with all of our loved ones who went before you. I’m sure some of them had a few choice words for you, but you are free. The world was just too heavy and painful to bear. Fly high with the angels baby brother. Bowl with the angels during the storms so your kiddos, niece and nephews know you’re with us, dance! Sing! There is no more judgement, no more hostility. No more anger. No more resentment.
Give our grandparents love from those of us who are still earthside. Hug Aunt E and Uncle D and tell them everything is ok down here. Wait for me, ok? I’ll see you on the other side.
Love,
Your Big Sister
My little sis not a day goes by when I don’t miss you. That day when my hubby told me you had gone was the worst in my life. We’d lost dad but nothing could prepare me for that day. On the weeks before you went I thought I’d got you, we talked and talked and I thought I could save you. You told me you were going to die of this illness, I said are you going to take you’re life. You told me NO! Your were in so much pain and I knew I was losing you like we did with dad and I couldn’t stop it. These last 9 months have been the hardest, longest times in my life . I wanted to join you and dad and felt jealous you had peace. I couldn’t leave mum, my hubby (my rock) and my precious son an daughter and my future. I couldn’t leave your husband and my niece . I wish you had left a note to them so they knew why but I understand your decision to do what you did there was no reason or rhyme. Those left behind your family, friends and those who know you are living with that and I wished you knew how much you were loved and respected. All I know is I will never know the answers, never have our future together and will never be the same person again. But I know that you are with us, I talk to you every day and find comfort you are at peace. I cannot plan for the future, but I don’t look into the past. I live for now. Love you always and forever.