My best friend

My beautiful baby sister, I miss you so much. This past Sunday marks 6 months since you left. It was so hard to work Coachella without you; our business has expanded so much and this year Lady Gaga ended up replacing Beyonce – you would have loved it.
I miss you more and more everyday and I know time is supposed to help but it only makes me feel like you’re farther away or that you’re a figment of my imagination.. my favorite character from a book. I miss sharing (and fighting) over clothes, shoes, jewelry, beauty products — now their all mine.. I miss doing errands together and going to get our nails done.
You were my number one comrade when it came to everything; my own mental health, school, politics… I have no one to talk to the way that we used to talk to. We shared so many similar passions. I left school when you passed, and I’m not sure I want to go back. Losing you and grandpa months apart from each other have given me a new perspective on life and love.
That day I wanted to call the police when you were not answering anyones calls or texts and sent D that photo. I didn’t think it was real. I thought it was a google image search to scare him, none the less it scared me and mom and we called all your friends who said you were supposed to be at a birthday brunch for T and later celebrate D’s birthday.
I was expecting to go on a hike and give you a pep talk, the same way you always gave me a pep talk and reminded me how smart, beautiful, loved, intelligent and important I am. To find you that way was worse than a nightmare and I tried everything to try and backtrack your decision. As traumatic as it was at least I know that mom and I tried our best to find you….that you weren’t missing for days and then found. I don’t know why you shut us out that day. You were still warm, and I got to hold and caress you one last time. I ran my fingers through your beautiful hair and held your hands hoping I would wake up from this awful nightmare as mom collapsed on the ground and was bawling. I had to keep myself together for the police report and coroner.
Why didn’t you let me in? How were we so close but I never knew? We talked nearly everyday since grandpa passed in August and I know that was difficult for us both.. we spent the last 2 weeks of your life enjoying music and talking until the late hours of the night… why didn’t you say anything? Was our discussion about Lady Gaga’s Joanne album a message that I missed?
I am so lonely without you. I would do anything to have you back and be with you again. We were supposed to be together forever. It seems like everyone in the family is stronger than me in trying to process this. You cross my mind and I can’t believe you aren’t out there in the world soaking up the sun and breathing fresh air. You had so much life to live.
I respect and accept your decision. You are free from your suffering. I just love and miss you so much L, please help me get through this.
xoxo your big sister

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