Lost, devastated and hurting.

I found this site and reading everyone’s stories and words are so very sad. I’m so sorry to all of you. I have realized we are a community bigger than I ever knew.
My 24 yr old baby sister commit suicide by firearm in January. She just finished her Masters. She was the most beautiful woman I ever knew. We were not super close due to age and distance. I cannot deal with the guilt. I missed 2 calls months prior and idk what she needed. I failed her. I got the text at 136 am from my mom that she was gone. The whole family is no longer speaking and I feel so very alone. I moved to Texas a few years ago and no one really knows me but they all know about this and I really feel closed and I can’t show anyone my pain bc they don’t care. I need support and don’t know how to ask for help. My tears don’t stop. What could I have done? I tried to see her last year and she couldn’t make time bc of work and we were fighting bc of it. I have to hold onto this now knowing she died thinking she didn’t have a caring sister and I really did love her. I tried herapy it didn’t change my thought process and pain. I want happiness again. I went to see Luke Bryan in her honor bc she loved country and it was painful. I told friends it was hard and no one ever responded to me when I told them I’m sad. I have 2 young kids and I’m trying to live for them and be happy as best I can. This is tragedy and I’m suffering in silence.

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5 Responses to Lost, devastated and hurting.

  1. Angel says:

    I know what you’re going through. My baby brother just killed himself yesterday.
    I don’t know what to do.

    • andrea says:

      You are not alone; My sister killed herself a month ago. It’s really rough…I know how you all feel. I have guilt too…that i could have done more for my sister…I never expected this.

  2. Alex Nicholls says:

    Hey poster and Angel,

    I lost my brother about 10 months ago. I want to say that it is not your fault. When someone takes their life it is a choice they made in that moment, it’s not you that made that choice, you wanted her to live and to be happy. It’s important to ensure you know that you wanted that for her. Secondly, it sounds like you weren’t living together. It’s very common for siblings to become more distant when they move out, especially to another city or state. Being a mum you must be so busy and life got the best of your attention and priorities. You perhaps saw your sister as strong as I saw my brother, and didn’t realise that she was so low. It’s not your fault and you need to remind yourself of this.

    I also want to give some tips on how I have been recovering from extreme grief (I had 2 suicide attempts following which I deeply regret – don’t even go there). The most important things for me have been -Close contact, connection, heart-felt conversations, and huge with family/friends. -Good sleeping pattern and diet, getting out the house, walking/exercise. -Self love, respect and comfort, look at yourself and express love to yourself. Treat yourself the way you would treat your child that had lost someone – would you blame them? no, then don’t blame yourself. I also had CBT counselling after a few months and have found it helpful. Lots of reaching out to friends, some mindfulness, self-belief.

    The road can be long and will certainly be dark, but there is light if you have hope. You can make your life better. And finally, I wish you both the best of luck. Reach out for help and love from yourself and your families. Take care x

  3. Andrea says:

    Thank you.

  4. Chandra says:

    I am so very sorry you are hurting. My heart breaks to hear your story and the pain behind your words. I know that pain all too well. My brother took his life October 24,2016, he was just 30 years old.

    This kind of death creates an incredibly painful and complicated grief to endure.

    Grief is already such a challenging emotion to understand. It is an emotion comes from deep within and often seems completely uncontrollable. No two people handle it the same and so sadly it can create a disconnect, something that is critical to heal and find joy once again.

    I too live in Texas ( near Fort Worth) while the majority of my family lives in Pennsylvania. I found out about my brother over a phone call. I had no idea he was in such pain. Had no idea he had thought about hurting himself or that he cried out for help.

    Because of the family dynamics at the time I hadn’t talked to him in almost 2 months. I hate myself for letting fear rule me and for not being open to listening. I so wish I could tell him that I loved him and was so proud of who he was and to call him my brother. The intense guilt brings me to tears nightly. I wish I could share how to get through it, but I am not there yet. I wanted you to know that although you feel as if you are, you are not alone in this. I am so thankful for a gracious and merciful God who loves us beyond a shadow of a doubt. This is hard for me, but God loves us right where we are at – in the middle of our brokenness… out isolation and our guilt.

    Praying for strength and courage for today and the weeks ahead. thank you for sharing your heart.

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