“Mourn not to long that he is not here,But, REJOICE FOREVER that he was” Old Proverb
It will hit you like the highest level of hurricane. Only time, God and talking about it will mend your heart. I went through it twice and I am still standing. I am sorry you have to go through all the pain and the mess. I am thinking about you, praying for you, I am holding your hand.
I have survived! I have considered myself a member of the Survivors of Suicide for a long time. A group I made up in my head. It’s everyone who lost a family member or loved one to suicide. You don’t have to join, and no one wants to be a member. I think it’s time to share my story.
When I was 15, my brother 17 took his own life. 6 months later, my mother died of lung cancer. 3 years later, my father passed also of lung cancer. If the phone rang my first thought was who died.
I will never know why my big brother, my protector and role model took his own life. We were inseparable, and grew up together up. There are so many questions I will never know. He didn’t leave a note and I don’t know if there were any signs as he was living with our dad at the time.
After my mother passed, I remember my sister once saying that my mother gave up to cancer after my brother took his life. I don’t remember if she said it, or said that someone said that, but that was not something I believed. Somethings are best that I believe what I want to believe.
One thing has helped me get by. There are others out there that life has handed them worse and they survived, so can I.
It’s been 30 years now. I have a beautiful wife, who takes good care of me. Two beautiful daughters, they are a handful. I have a job that I enjoy and pays the bills. I can honestly say, I have a peaceful life.
I wish we had more time. I wish I didn’t get so mad so quickly. I miss you so much – you still had more to learn, more to give. first we lost dad, now I have to deal with the loss of you. you always looked after me and made sure I had what I needed. you were the best big brother and best second dad. I’m so sorry horrible things have happened to you and you felt no other way to be able to fight your demons off. you always knew how to make me smile or laugh or even get extremely angry. I will always remember you and I will never ever forget. you are my brother forever. I love you Leigh. I hope you’re having a good time with dad. I miss you – 2/9/86-2/9/16.
I will come stand beside you,
And offer you my hand.
I have been where you are,
So I am able to understand.
I have experienced the same emotions,
The shock and disbelief.
Felt the weight of the stigma,
That amplifies our grief.
I’ve been wide awake at midnight,
With worry weighing on my mind.
I’ve searched and searched for answers,
That I have discovered I will never find.
But I have faith that you’ll make it,
And find a reason to live once more.
You’re now a suicide survivor,
You’re not the person you were before.
By: Randall Stepp
On March 14th 2008, I found my brother lifeless. I was 13. I am currently 21 and I am living. I am living for me because I know my brother wouldn’t want my life to stop just because he chose to take his. My brother was & still is my best friend, my protector, my confidant. I have gone 8 years without him now; no it’s not easy, but you will get through it. Your life is not over, although you may feel like it is. Finding him will forever be an image in my mind, but I will always love him and I forgive him because ‘the time came when the pain it took to stay, was greater than the pain it took to go.’
For my brother.
Hi I’m Erika and I’m 16 years old. On November 27, 2014 ten days after my birthday my 21 year old sister Victoria shot herself on thanksgiving. I was at my aunts house and grandmas for thanksgiving which was like 2 minutes away. A lot of fighting had been happening between my mom and Victoria. We always fought, they had a closer relationship and I felt I was off the side. Anyone they had argued all day and Victoria was acting weird all month, I just thought she was being hateful. Anyway I come home from thanksgiving dinner, I go into my room through the bathroom and I see her laying there. Blood everywhere. I ran to my mom and before I know it. Cops were everywhere, police time was taped around my house, I knew my life was never going to be the same again. Almost a year later and In between that time my mom has tried to commit suicide, her boyfriend is living with her, she went to California for rehab she didn’t really do anything…she’s not right right now… I was just 16 and I acted like I was 12… Tori did everything for me. Now I’m here sitting a cafe waiting for my boyfriends football game to end. I feel like I’m 36 now. I live with my aunt, two minutes away from the house she died in, 10 minutes away from my mom. As thanksgiving is coming I feel pretty depressed… But I’m trying everyday.
My brother took his life 9 years ago. I never thought that aching/empty/scared/lonely feeling would go away. 9 years out, they have subsided. Now, I’m in a place I never thought I would get to— now I’m encouraging others. I promise, it does get better. It sucks and hurts and is physically and emotionally draining, but you too will be a support one day for someone else going through this. Focus on that day – you’re going to make it! Those before you have a ton of faith and strength for you while your legs are getting stronger. You will be able to be that to someone too one day. Maybe not today or a year from now, but one day you will be there.
I wish heaven had a phone so i could hear your voice one last time
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
(Family Friend Poems)