My oldest brother, James, took his life three and a half years ago. Obvious it’s been hard as my whole family has tried to process for ourselves and help each other… And we’re not very good at it… We all miss him. The younger kids, myself included, feel hurt and short changed because with the age difference we really didn’t get much opportunity to get to know him and develop a relationship with him. My parents, especially my dad, were a wreck for a really long time, and it has just been in the last month or two that I haven’t been as concerned for them.
I’ve been dealing with my own bout of depression, and honestly while I am making sure to never entertain such thoughts and feelings, sometimes the thought comes that it would just be easier to not wake up one morning. I just spent this last year at school watching my roommate, who I truly love and care about, almost die from an eating disorder, until I finally harassed the right people into forcing her to get help. The sister just older than me has estranged herself from our family to pursue a really unhealthy relationship. And yesterday my baby sister swallowed a big handful of pills… It didn’t work, thank heavens… But she still tried to take her own life. She’s 16, and thought that was the best answer at the moment.
I know every life comes with difficulties and trials, and that everyone has free will, and that unfortunately illnesses are not all viruses or bacteria, but often the significantly less visible and quantifiable pain of a hurting soul… But does it ever stop? Will there ever be times again when everything will just be okay, maybe happy even? I’m just so tired, and I feel like I’ve been fighting an losing, uphill battle for just too long. But other people need me and so I can’t stop, and I won’t… But I would just really like a rest…