My oldest brother, James, took his life three and a half years ago. Obvious it’s been hard as my whole family has tried to process for ourselves and help each other… And we’re not very good at it… We all miss him. The younger kids, myself included, feel hurt and short changed because with the age difference we really didn’t get much opportunity to get to know him and develop a relationship with him. My parents, especially my dad, were a wreck for a really long time, and it has just been in the last month or two that I haven’t been as concerned for them.
I’ve been dealing with my own bout of depression, and honestly while I am making sure to never entertain such thoughts and feelings, sometimes the thought comes that it would just be easier to not wake up one morning. I just spent this last year at school watching my roommate, who I truly love and care about, almost die from an eating disorder, until I finally harassed the right people into forcing her to get help. The sister just older than me has estranged herself from our family to pursue a really unhealthy relationship. And yesterday my baby sister swallowed a big handful of pills… It didn’t work, thank heavens… But she still tried to take her own life. She’s 16, and thought that was the best answer at the moment.
I know every life comes with difficulties and trials, and that everyone has free will, and that unfortunately illnesses are not all viruses or bacteria, but often the significantly less visible and quantifiable pain of a hurting soul… But does it ever stop? Will there ever be times again when everything will just be okay, maybe happy even? I’m just so tired, and I feel like I’ve been fighting an losing, uphill battle for just too long. But other people need me and so I can’t stop, and I won’t… But I would just really like a rest…
3 thoughts on “Will it ever stop?”
My younger brother, also named James, took his life almost 4 years ago. It is hard every day to remember he’s no longer here. Some days are harder than others. It sounds as if you are currently experiencing a lot of trials and tribulations of life and that can make happiness seem like a foreign concept. Based on my experience, happiness will start to come at first in small form and then gradually become a larger part of life.
My youngest sister, Sac, committed suicide almost at the same time than your brother James. I can not tell you that the first years were the worst, because I still get the same dark – empty – destructive feelings very often. I usually find myself asking me the same question that you’re asking us: Will it ever go away? I guess some days are just better than others. People usually tell me that it takes years for survivors to get better… The first year I moved back to the city where I grew up, just to be closer to my mother (my dad passed away 16 years ago), but I guess it wasn’t a very smart decision, ’cause we both had a very hard time grieving, so dealing with my sister’s death actually made us almost hate each other. During the second year, mom and I had a fight over stupid stuff, and she tried to kill herself by swallowing a lot of pills, just like your sister did. I was so mad at her, and at the same time, so sad and so afraid! I almost never talked about my feelings with my family, ’cause people around me told me that I had to take care of my mom… but it was so hard for me. I desperately looked for someone who wad gone through something similar, so he/she would share with me his/her experience, and help me get through mine, but I didn’t find anyone. At that time, I didn’t know these kind of groups existed, and I’m in Mexico, so… I’m not sure we have these kind of groups in here, I don’t know. Anyway, the third year was different, because I moved to a bigger city, away from my family, to start working again. And I kindda got better, I guess being away from each other helped both me and my mom to try to start over without hurting us all the time, we now have a better relationship and we can talk about my sister and stuff we couldn’t talk about before. Actually, right now, my mom is the only person around me who can really understand what I go through, and I’d call her (or she’d call me) on those struggling days, you know? But about work, my partner, my friends, or life, in general, it still is very difficult for me. I guess after my sister’s death, my priorities in life changed. I just want to be calm, and cool, and to feel ok. This is my priority right now. I want to spend time doing the stuff that I like to do, and with people that I really like. I don’t care about superficial stuff anymore, I just want to be ok. But you know what? Trying to be ok after my sister’s suicide, is actually one of the most difficult things in life that I’ve ever tried to do! And it takes me a lot of energy and effort to just try to be ok. I sometimes get very lonely. At first, it helped me to share my feelings with my partner and my friends, but eventually, I guess they all got tired of listening to the same stuff over the years. Just this week, my partner asked me if I didn’t want to try like another job, or to do something different, so it would help me get better. I didn’t get mad or anything, but it made me very sad to realize that actually no one who hasn’t been through something like this can understand what happens inside you. I totally understand that life is an every day challenge, and I think that the name of “survivors” is just perfectly adequate for people like us. In my experience, what helps me do better and feel ok, is to be patient with myself and my feelings, to let me cry if I need to, to take my time to do what I feel that I have to do, to pay attention to my needs, to go running and to dance (sport really helps! I promise! practicing sports will make you temporarily happy, I promise!), to do stuff that I really like doing, and to spend time with people that make me feel good. Somedays, I even think that maybe, eventually, I’ll find my life meaningful. I can only recommend you to keep close to your younger sister, to show her that you care about her, she’s so young… Be patient to her and to yourself. You might find support in each other. I’m sending you guys my best thoughts and love.
I’m so glad I found your comment on Elizabeth’s post because I found comfort in it and it was kind of revealing for me. See, my brother committed suicide a year and a half ago and exactly like you said. Since then I fight a lot with my mother and she never wants to solve things between us. She always gets angry if we fight and then doesn’t want to talk about it at all. And I want is to talk about it. I want us to be okay, but she just tells me to shut up and leave her alone because she really can’t stand this and then I go and I cry in my room. Yes, that’s us. It’s just so sad because it’s all such a mess and I’m so disappointed in everything that has happened. And the saddest thing is that his suicide isn’t the end, no… it drags years and years of suffering and unstable relationships and stuff like this with my mother. It helped me to see that you and your mother were in kind of the same position and that you were dealing with the same stuff. I liked it how you said that your living apart made it better, because you could separately deal with this loss. I’m glad that your relationship is better now and I wish that in time it will only get better and better. Sometimes I wish that someone like you or anyone else who has experienced sibling suicide was living near me, so I could talk to them and we could share our experience with each other because I just feel like no one else understands, you know? I know people are trying their best to be helpful but they just can’t fully understand like we who lost a sibling do, because of a suicide. It hurts just so bad…
I hope you are doing okay Atisha, all the best wishes to you:)