To Jacob

I miss you my brother. I am broken and hitting without you and I wish you were here so that I could talk to you one more time and tell you how much you meant to me. We’d always sit at the table after dinner and talk. Whether it be crap about family or friends, whether it was about feelings or depression, whether it was about animes or memes or just sitting there and enjoying each others company (while eating a whole cereal box of course). You were always there for me when I didn’t feel okay and I don’t think I ever got around to thanking you or telling you how much you meant to me and how much you saved me through my dark times. Without you I don’t know what to do. I wish I could continue on like you would want me to but I can’t talk about my feelings to anyone like I did with you. No one can replace those tables talks or inside jokes together. No one can understand how many times youve saved me from falling. And now I’m falling faster than I could ever imagine and I don’t know how to catch myself. I’m in so much pain, brother. I feel so hollow and so depressed and I don’t think it’s ever been this bad. I keep thinking of things I wanted to do with you and how I’ll never get to do them with anyone else because YOU and I were the only ones that would enjoy it. I keep thinking of the letter. That stupid letter you wrote that is now engraved into my head. Telling me that I am stronger than you’ll ever be. To take you places where you’ve never gone. To keep living. And it’s hurting me to know that I don’t think I can do that. I wanted to take YOU places and tell you about new things in my life and have you be proud of me. I wanted you to be there for me, brother. We shared pains and now I have no one to share my pains with and it’s all bottling up and it hurts. I’m carrying the pain and trying to stay strong and trying to keep living, but I just can’t. I wanted YOU to teach me how to use a camera properly. I wanted you to show me more pictures of the eagles you caught on your camera – I wanted to see your excited face and happy dance when you show me. I feel so empty without you. I’m so scared of living on and have you be no where with me. I’m horrified of graduating and you not being there to tell me “I knew you could do it, Kiddo.” I’m scared of people calling me Kiddo. Because that’s all you ever called me. I’m scared of moving on because that means you’re gone for good. I want this to be a really horrible dream that I’ll wake up to and cry in your arms and have you tell me it’s never going to happen. But it did. I don’t think that feeling is every going to go away. I’m hurting, brother. Won’t you come back to me? Won’t you come back from your other world and tell me it was all a cruel joke? Can’t you return to me? And tell me I’ll be okay? Can you hug me one last time and tell me that I’ll live and be happy? Can I talk to you one last time? I’m so scared brother. I’m scared to live without you and I know you’ll be upset if I leave this world but I know you won’t be mad at me. I know you’d understand and love me the same. I want to make you proud and I’m trying. I’m trying so damn hard to live. I’m trying so damn hard not to break down everytime I think back of a memory sitting at the table and you being sick from eating 3 bowls of ice cream. I’m trying so f** hard to be strong. I’m so scared, Brother. I’m so f**scared of living. Won’t you take me to your other worlds?

2 thoughts on “To Jacob

  1. Hello. I don’t know you and you don’t know me and I couldn’t imagine what you are going through. What you wrote was so brave and so beautiful and really touched me. I want you to stay strong and don’t give up because I care about you and your life and so does your brother. I didn’t know him but I feel like I do because of what you wrote so please don’t leave this world, please get help. You can do this.
    Love Charlotte

  2. Please don’t take your life. As someone who attempted suicide, I want my family to continue living after I’m gone, to have happy lives. It’s selfish, but that’s what I wanted for my family. I didn’t think things through, and I didn’t know how much me dying would affect my family. I thank you for sharing your feelings. Now I know how my sister would feel should I have succeeded.
    I hope that one day I can meet you in person to thank you.
    Sincerely, and with lots of love,

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