The only thing I could think was “why him?”

I lost my brother to suicide on February 1st 2019, I was only 12 years old. I still am 12 years old. He was found on February 2nd, that was day my life fell apart. I would not like to go into detail about how, why, and multiple other things in respect of his privacy. (He was a very private person, also paranoid) but one thing I will always remember about that day is the call. I was out with my friends roller skating. Crazy enough that same night I almost hyperextend my knee, I thought that it was the worst thing that could happen that night. Little did I know I was so terribly wrong. I remember calling my mom and saying that I needed her to come get me. Then when it had been about 15 minutes I called her in pain asking where she was, I honestly thought something was wrong and I was worried about her being hurt. Looking back now I was right but it was a wrong type of hurt. I called her again when it had been almost an hour. That’s when I was told my brother had been missing for the past 6 and a half hours. I was already crying from my knee but suddenly I was out. Not passed out but I realized about 3 months later that I was having a panic attack. I couldn’t really hear it was muffled and covered by my thoughts, I could see for I was crying hysterically. Friends didn’t know what happening since I couldn’t bring myself to speak. Finally when I got my words out they just went silent I don’t blame them I didn’t know what to say in that moment either. There not very much more in my story that I feel comfortable sharing except for one thing. When you think of your siblings you think of them in the way you remember the happy, exciting, always full of life people. Then suddenly when you see them laying in their coffin it’s like that’s the only thing you can see. One final thing. And I don’t know if other people can relate to this or if they can’t it really just depends on the way the person passed, but when you look at photos you see one person and when you see they in their caskets you see another. I remember I started to have a small panic attack and all I could keep saying was it doesn’t look like him, it’s not him, no this isn’t him, they put too much makeup, why do you look different, this isn’t ok, and more that I can’t think of. Thank you for listening to my story.

5 thoughts on “The only thing I could think was “why him?”

  1. I am so glad you found us at this site. You are not alone. In the beginning it is hard, but it gets less hard with time. Hang in there. Take care of yourself. Come here when you need to.
    We understand and we care.

  2. Hi. So sorry. I lost my brother to suicide 3 years ago. It will always hurt. But over time you figure out how to manage it. Much love. It’s so good you reached out. Ride the waves if grieve and keep reaching out long the way. Stay strong and much love!!❤

  3. I am so sorry, may he rest in a better place. I completely understand though. My brother hung himself on the 31st of January and the service was held in my own home. His coffin was open in my household and I could only manage to look at him for one second before I immediately shut my eyes. I was overwhelmed with thoughts of simply why does he look like that, that person is not my brother. It’s honestly one of the most horrible mindsets I have ever experienced and I am sorry to hear that you had to experience it too.

  4. I am so sorry this happened to you at this young age. I was 24 when I lost my brother to suicide almost three years ago. I know how hard it is. You are not alone. I hope you have someone that you can talk to when you need to. This kind of loss often leads us to grieve alone. And it is hard. But like others have said remember the good things about your brother, the person he was before he died. And live on in his memory. He is a part of you.

  5. Hi hun, I lost my brother at age 12 too. I also remember thinking that it wasn’t him in the casket, it couldn’t be, my brain still cant wrap my brain around it. I am 18 now and still slowly healing. I hope you get the support you need, at the age of 12 is when you are growing up and still learning. I wish I would of opened up more and got the help I needed because I now struggle with my own mental illness.

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