Permanent Dullness&hellip

Hey Cheech. I remember when I first started calling you that, after you hated me calling you Cheechee. I can’t believe how time keeps going no matter what. But also that empty hole in my heart is forever here. It feels like a persistent lump in my throat sometimes. Like I forget to breathe when I think about you and our memories.

I really try to not get angry at your decision. Nobody can ever imagine how painful it is to lose a sibling by suicide until it happens. It’s unbearable knowing we’ll never get an opportunity to live together, eat at cool ass restaurants, experience hardships together. You were only 21. Only 21. I get so constricted internally thinking about all the things you were dealing with in a dark cloud.

I wouldn’t wish this insatiable, everlasting, numbness on anyone’s heart.

2 thoughts on “Permanent Dullness&hellip

  1. I just came across this page and found your comment. I lost my little sister two weeks ago. She was 20. I miss her so much. Before her death I was thinking about all the exciting things we can do as sisters as we get older. We could experience so many beautiful moments in life together. Maybe have children, and they can be cousins. Play together. Family dinners. We could travel to see each other. She was wanting to come visit me in my city across the country. She never did. I never could’ve anticipated her death. She seemed perfectly happy, healthy, content with life. This is the worst thing that could’ve happened. I hope you can heal and find happiness. I hope I can too. I’m here with you.

    1. I wrote this thinking I wouldn’t ever get someone to respond. I’m so used to people not being able to understand. I woke up from a weird dream about Chelsea and I feel like my life is haunted by her passing. I also know this is the month before she passed (day before thanksgiving), so the shock always comes timely.

      Thank you for sharing about your sister. Oddly sometimes fantasizing is relieving because it takes away from the reality of their absence. I hope you continue to do it, I’m going to lean into fun fantasies more just to take away this void. Im finally going to join a sibling suicide support group even though the idea of it makes my stomach drop…

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