Kat,

Today marks 2 months since you died. 11/2/15. I miss you SO SO much. The only silver lining is that you are truly out of pain, I know you couldn’t live any longer in this world and you finally succeeded in a way we couldn’t just bring you to the hospital and pump your stomach.

I feel like my childhood is gone. I have all these memories flooding back, secrets and inside jokes that only WE shared. Because that’s what sisters do. This is much different than when dad died 5 years ago. He was my rock, my hero, and his death devastated us both. I wish he was here to comfort me. I’m 31 and my dad is dead and my sister is dead and I’m only left with mom. She did something last night and YOU are the only person who would understand why it was hurtful. You knew me better than anyone. But this is a different type of grief because siblings share something special. Something I didn’t realize until the day you died. A bond that is different than others.

I hope you know how much I loved you (well still do..) There is so much more I want to say to you. But I am hurting and missing you terribly. You come back now polar bear?

Love you always,

Your Megs

Hey Sul, it’s been 3 years and 17 days since my life turned upside down because of one action. I miss you everyday, and I wish I could just run into your arms and have you hold me. I know you were nine years older than me and always in and out of boarding school and rehab while I was growing up. I still remember almost every car ride and pizza outing and all the times we had, but as time goes on its hard to remember the way you always smelt and the sound of your voice. Life hasn’t been the easiest since you’ve left and mom and dad haven’t really told me everything about it, but maybe they think that 14 is just to young to hear about that. Landon and I have gotten so much closer, but still I don’t feel as close as you and I were. I miss our talks about how were the odd ones out in the family since we were adopted and teasing the rest of the family. Ive had a lot of rough patches thinking about how it would just be easier for everyone if I left and joined you and granddad in heaven, but I couldn’t put mom and dad through anything again. I hope to see you again, and I love you to the moon and back a thousand times.

Love,

Your baby sister

Dear Bubbie,

From the moment I heard mom tell me “Your brother is gone” my heart has not been the same. I often question myself and wonder why or if I could have done something to help you. Why didnt you let me help you?? I know this question will never have an answer. Our last contact made me sad and angry. I wanted you to tell me to mind my own bussiness, your not my mother once again. Your response was lifeless. If I had of known I wouldnt of seen you ever again on this earth, I would have raced to be with you one more time and tell you just how much I loved you and that you were so important to me. My conscious mind understands that you must have been in extreme pain, but the reality is I am angry that you abandoned me like Dad did. You not only abandoned your mother, sister and I, but your kids too. You will never know the pain and anguish you have created for those that loved you so much, but my hope is that you are at peace now and with dad and that you have resolved the issues with him that you were unable to while on this earth. I love you Bubbie and promise to remind myself to allow your light to shine on me as I travel into uncharted waters of my future.

Love,

Your Sister, Kaelan

To my beautiful Nicholas,

It’s been nearly 10 weeks since you took your life, out of the blue, with no warning, and I’ve tried to put my thoughts down on paper several times since. Here is my latest attempt. Before, it was easier to pretend you just weren’t here – you were in Liverpool, when I was at home, when you were home, I was in London. Now, however, it’s begun to sink in. The knowledge that I won’t see you again will wash over me like a sickening wave. That dull ache in the pit of my stomach will suddenly stab like a knife, like no pain I’ve felt before. I haven’t just lost you but I’ve lost part of myself. It sounds so cliché but it feels so genuine, we were so close, I feel like I’m venturing into the unknown, living this life without you.

I’ve searched for answers as best I can and have had to convince myself that it wasn’t you that did this, you weren’t in your right mind and a psychosis had taken control. I know you would have called me, you could have said, we were so close and there were lots of things you told me that you would never tell mum or dad. We shared things. I know that the Nicholas I knew would have said goodbye, somehow, someway, instead even my last Facebook messages to you went unread. You’d messaged me when I was in Indonesia and I didn’t message back straight away, even though I saw them almost immediately. Why? You weren’t a priority; you always took ages to message me back and would often ignore me completely. I thought I had time. The rational part of me knows that when everyone says, there was nothing we could have done and that we’re not to blame, they’re right. But my grief for you is not rational. I knew something was wrong. I spoke to Katie and Jonny about you several times over those last couple of months. I told them your behaviour was strange, I was evidently worried about you. And yet I did nothing. On the tube to Heathrow airport, my flatmate Soffi told me her friends brother had just died. It flashed through my mind that perhaps something would happen to you. And yet I did nothing, I went to Indonesia. I’d spoken to you and asked if everything was okay, you assured me it was and you were so confident that I chose to believe you. But deep down I knew and I did nothing, I chose the easy way out and now there’s nothing I can do to rectify that. I have a thousand and one regrets.

It strikes me that I didn’t know what love was until this. I’ve lost the most important and precious person in my life. I try to think what it was to be happy and I can’t remember. At the moment, nothing is real except for the loss I feel. I go out with my friends, I keep busy and I laugh but deep down and underneath everything, I can’t see how I’ll ever be truly happy again. It’s not all bad though, losing you has taught me the value of this life we have. I know now I have to live mine to the fullest for both of us. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to start doing so.

For you, I would have done anything.

Tessa

Dear Kevin,

It’s been 3 1/2 weeks since you decided to leave us..your mom, your children, your nieces and nephews, your students, your church family, your family, and me, your sister. I know you were struggling but I thought you were doing better. I saw you the Saturday before and I can still see you sitting in my house. Your absence has left a forever hole in my heart that has not healed since dad died 2 years ago. You left us all. I am now responsible for everything from your estate to taking care of mom. I often question why would you choose this? Why did you do this, knowing mom would be the one to find you? My emotions are all over the place from sadness, to anger, to total loss. I miss you everyday and forever will. Life will never be the same without you Kevin. You are with God and dad now and I know all you sadness and anger is gone, but it is still here with us. I don’t know how to go on, but I have to be strong for mom, my children and yours too. I will always love you.