My “Bromo”

Guest Post

It’s been a little over 2 years. It hasn’t been easy; not for me and not for loved ones on both sides of the family. Some of us are still doing “the detective work”- asking why. We know we will never know. I just hope (and deep down I know that you are) that you are at peace and in a better place. The grief comes and goes…sometimes in tidal waves and sometimes completely unexpectedly. I think it might be like this for awhile. Anyway, we all love you (always) and miss you a ton. Wish you were here Bromo.

 

My brother, my friend

Guest Post

Just buried my brother on April 1. I lost my best friend, my protector, and older brother to suicide. I swear I can still hear him walk through my house and call my name. There is not a day that has gone by that I don’t cry. My birthday was 4 days later; it was the second worst day of my life. I am 33 – my brother would be 37 in July. Is this pain going to ease? I’m lost without my friend. I’m confused – why? Why did he have to come to my house and shoot himself in my driveway? We have always been so close…why would he do this to me?

 

Lost

Guest Post

I lost my 37 year old brother one month ago today. It feels like a nightmare and I would give anything to make it go away. If I can barely get through a day without a wide range of emotions, how on Earth will I make it a year and beyond? This didn’t need to happen, shouldn’t have happened; please Lord help undo this painful mess. The love of your kids…why couldn’t you at least still feel or see that? It could have pulled you through. I would have done anything if you just would have called me. Are you ok? Are you at peace? Are you by me? I don’t feel you by me. Please stay close.

 

My brother

Guest Post

Dear Luis,
It has been a month and a half since you died. I miss you so much I cry everyday. I miss how you’d tell me every time I saw you that you loved me. We weren’t brothers by blood, but that didn’t matter. I miss how you’d make me laugh like a fool, and I loved making you laugh. I still remember your voice so clearly. Remember when I taught you those words in Gypsy? May tut kamavva. – I love you.

I’m so sorry that I ignored your calls and texts so many times over the last year always saying that I was too busy. You stole such a big piece of my heart, and when I heard you passed I thought I was having a heart attack. Even still my stomach aches for the pain that I know you were in in those last moments. I told you that I would die for you because you were so afraid of death.

Mom and dad are having a hard time, I see them almost everyday. At your funeral your mom looked at me and said “Alex, my lovely, you have lost your true brother.”

I never wanted you to have any pain. Now, you don’t, you’re free, that’s what I lived and prayed for all these years. I love you. I always will.
Love,
Alex

 

Big Al

Letters

Hey bub. It’s been a while. Just barely over a year and a month. Things are so different now. Everyone has lost a little piece of their heart,smile,attitude,soul,laugh. Things have been so dull. We really really miss you Alex.

I graduated 8th grade you know. I’m sure you were there watching over me. Did you see I’m working at Chick Fil A like you bub? The other night i was having a really awful day. Sometimes work makes it worse. But normally, i love going.

I’ve made it through almost my whole freshman year. Are you proud of me? I’m making pretty good grades! I recognize some of the teachers’ names and connect them with your old stories. It makes me smile most days. Others it makes me cry.

I’ve got a boyfriend. Do you like him? I know he’s a bit older. But I think it’s alright. He asked me to prom. Shif was in on the prom-posal. Did you watch me? He keeps me happy and makes me feel loved everyday. We talk about you sometimes. I heard you two were friends. That makes me happy.

I’ve survived a year without you. I don’t know how. The days feel like years and my memories start fading. Will you help me remember them? People have been saying something was wrong with your brain. CTE. Caused by concussions and hard hits. I know you had some of those.

I really miss you bub. I remember that night so well. I yelled and screamed and told you to not worry because i was getting help. Did you hear me? When i no longer heard you, I told the 911 operator that I had just lost my best friend. She told me that I was wrong but she lied. I remember telling the officer where you were. Finding out you were dead. I remember being so scared and alone and just wanting someone to come home. It was a really bad night.

But I miss you bub. And I love you.
You were my best friend, still are, and will forever be.
I wish I could know exactly when I would see you again. That would make me happy. I really really miss you.
I hope Heaven is doing you good. I know you’re having lots of fun.
I love you Alex. Please never forget.

 

Happy Birthday

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Happy Birthday, you would be 24 years old today. I was only 13 when you took your life at 18 years old. I cry because its been 6 years and I try so hard to hold onto the memories I have of you. I think about how proud you would be of me. Of hanging out with you today if you were still here. Watching a movie, playing video games, fighting with you. All I have are your sneakers, a painting you did, and your deodorant I used to love the smell of. I’m finally going to counseling for everything. It hurts me so bad that suicide is something that no one talks about. How can I finally be at peace with it? I love you so much and I made you a cake. 🙂
-Love you lots
Your little sis

 

Grief

Guest Post

Grief has the tendency of kicking me when I’m down
It has a knack for taking me by surprise, creeping up on me when I least expect it
Sometimes it’s with me all day, washing over me like waves, back and forth
At other times it’s like a hit and run, there one second and gone the next
It grips my heart and squeezes it, drenching out the sadness like juice
Loss weighs on my chest like a stone carved from my memories
Those moments, smiles and wishes haunting my mind
Grief is a welcome friend
I embrace it willingly, tenderly, like a comrade absent for too long
It cleanses my soul, washing it with tears
It lifts the pressure from my aching bones
Maybe for just a minute, maybe for days
It’s with me always
Sometimes lurching in the shadows, sometimes holding my hand
Leading me into the darkness, or showing me the light

 

I miss you Johnny

Guest Post

Hey bub,

It’s been 3 months (11-12-15) since you left us here. So much has changed for example I got to meet Melinda’s girlfriend and daughter Grace. Crystal says you are still going to prom with her, she’s getting a dress in your favorite color (blue) and she’s going to hold your picture up at the photo booth I think. They are giving you a page in the yearbook in your memory and I handed in a sinking picture for the senior sibling page. They took those pictures the week I came back to school. I still can’t believe your not here to help keep the boys away from me or see me grow up in person. I miss you a ton Johnny…I love you and I always will bub.