Dear James, Hey big brother. Words have nevee been able to express the feelings your loss has brought. In some ways it destroyed me and in other ways it made me stronger. On June 12, 2005 I left my phone in the other room and they had to come banging on gwens door to find me to tell me the new, i will never forget that moment, how my heart dropped. I also cant sleep with out my phone next to me now in fear that something bad will happen and i will be too late. I had sent you a message that night saying “i love you jimmy pop” i dont even know if you ever got it. I have always hoped you did not cause thinking you saw it and still followed through would only destroy me more. June 13th is my birthday that year i spent it with loved ones and friends but not doing something fun, we made arraingments for your cremation, not how i planned at all. Almost 11 years have passed and you took those years from me. I pray you see the woman i have become, i pray you are proud of me, i pray you and mom are together. I love you jimmy pop
Evan
Evan,
I wish it was 16 months ago, I would have a chance to do things right. i guess I had years though…could have at least made a concerted effort, tried. Self absorption. I’m sure I cant imagine what you went through, and the alienation you must have felt. I am extremely angry at our parents, for many reasons. But I am way more angry at myself. Anyway, I dont want you to have to worry about any of us. Chris is the only innocent one of, if you must worry about someone, worry about him. fish, rest, meditate. I love you, punk.
Little brother
It’s been less than a month, but feels like a lifetime. That song ‘it’s been a long day without you my friend, and I’ll tell you all about it when i see you again’. I have to think about the future, i have to face the future without you now. You turned 17 a month before you decided to die. You told mom about a month before the suicide that maybe you had depression. That you looked up ways of killing yourself painlessly…. I was 9000 miles away, when i found out i spoke to you on skype, told you to get therapy. Told mom to get you to see the doctor Asap! But you said you were fine. And everyone swept it under the carpet. Well, on monday, april eleventh, you went to school on as always. Half an hour later mom got the call – you never turned up. She called you. You said your lessons were to start later on that day, you were going to go downtown. Mom told you to come home and get the money for bus. You said in your normal, almost cheery voice ‘yes, okay, I’m going to go home now’ hung up, turned off your phone. You were about 15 miles away from home. 30 minutes later you put your neck down on to the railway line…. Mom was trying to call you when you were already dead. She texted me when she first couldn’t get hold of you. There was a 9hr difference, so it was evening and i was still at work. My heart sank. I could feel something. And when 1, 2, 3, 4 hours passed and there were no news still, i could sense it. And then she texted me – police is here. I knew it. Even before she said it. While she was still hoping he’d come back, i googled a newspaper article about a person who got hit by train and died. That was in our city. And i just knew.
I had a bad feeling all week before that. Like i was so sad but didn’t know why. I flew back as soon as i could. Mom tried to overdose on sleeping pills two days after i came home. She seems better now. I almost never cry. Doesn’t seem real. Read everything on suicide, survivors, and overcoming grief. I’m like a family psychiatrist now. The voice of reason. I’m 23 and was living alone in the country i dreamt of for 10 years. Had the best job ever. Now I’m back to square one, we’re moving to a different city, my parents are broken and “i’m strong, I’ll be happy again when i have kids” according to my mom. I don’t even care about myself as much. It just pains me to see her hurting like this, so i keep everything inside and then get these panic attacks. But they’re nothing. It’s nothing. Nothing matters. But i want to be happy, yet i feel selfish. And i’m mad at my brother. Then i feel guilty again and mad at myself because he was ill. And i will never admit it, but i am mad at my parents and i think they are guilty. For not taking his words seriously, for letting it all slip. But they already feel tremendous guilt, so i won’t ever say anything. My life is on pause, their life has ended. My brother is dead. I have these internal monologues constantly. Sometimes i try to forget. Sometimes i do forget. I was the only person at the crematorium. We couldn’t let mom go. So dad stayed with her. And i’m the big sister so i had to be there one last time. Who knew, that when i went away in January, it would be the last time i see him? I keep telling myself – it was depression. But it still hurts…
Survivor
Survivor…
I will come stand beside you,
And offer you my hand.
I have been where you are,
So I am able to understand.
I have experienced the same emotions,
The shock and disbelief.
Felt the weight of the stigma,
That amplifies our grief.
I’ve been wide awake at midnight,
With worry weighing on my mind.
I’ve searched and searched for answers,
That I have discovered I will never find.
But I have faith that you’ll make it,
And find a reason to live once more.
You’re now a suicide survivor,
You’re not the person you were before.
By: Randall Stepp
A Letter to Chris
Dear Chris,
It will be four years ago since you took your life this weekend…Mother’s Day. (Did you really have to do it on Mother’s Day?) I think about you every day…some days more than others. But not a day passes when I don’t experience waves of sadness, anger, and regret when I think of you. Today is an angry day.
You were sick for as long as I knew you. You were an angry, hateful, narcissist. I don’t know what made you that way. Genetics played a role, I know, but the alcohol and drugs you sought as self-medication made it so much worse. Didn’t you see that?
You abused me since the day I was born. Why? What did I do? Why did you hate me? How can you hate a baby? I know there’s no rational answer to these questions. I know that your anger and hatred toward me was unwarranted. It was about you, not me. That doesn’t make it hurt any less, though.
Even though you hated me, I loved you. You were my big sister, my role model, my idol. Do you know what it’s like to be abused by someone you look up to like that? It shaped my reality and my self perception. I believed all of the awful things you would say about me. I believed that I was a fat, ugly person and that I was unlovable.
I was so happy to grow up so that I didn’t have to interact with you. I was so thankful and relieved to gain freedom as an adult so that I didn’t have to tolerate your abuse and your toxic influence on everyone around you. I created my own life without the negative influence you had always had on my world. My life isn’t perfect, but it is so much better without you in it. I’m so thankful that I’ll never have to sit through another Thanksgiving dinner and listen to your hateful words.
The day I chose to end our relationship was a gift. I don’t know what finally made me do it, but I finally summoned the strength to tell you that I didn’t want you in my life. I was honest with you. I told you that I didn’t like the person I was when I was with you. I told you that I was ashamed of how I reacted to all of your hateful words and actions. I didn’t regret that decision until the day I got the call.
I’m ashamed that I wasn’t a better person. Why couldn’t I keep an objective perspective and ignore the hurt? Why couldn’t I stand by the only person in the world that knew what my childhood was like? We were enemies, but we were also allies when we needed to be. You’re the only one that knew. You were sick, why did I abandon you?
I struggle with the confusion of regret, relief, anger, and sadness every day. I don’t believe that I could have changed the outcome, but I wish that you had fallen asleep knowing that I loved you. I hate that you felt so alone. I would have helped you if you had asked.
I want to believe that you’re in a better place. I don’t know what I believe, though. I know without a doubt that I’m happy that you’re no longer suffering. Every day was a battle for you, and it’s finally over. I hope that you’ve finally found peace, and I hope that someday I will, too.
Help
Hey S,
I need help. I’ve been a mess since that day about three years ago, and to this day I am still haunted. I want to be on this Earth but I can’t let anyone in. I push the family away and I keep my friends just far enough so that I don’t have to open up. I’m scared that if I do open up to someone I will lose them. I’m only 14 and I feel as if I’m trapped in a glass box that I put myself into. I don’t hug those around me except for when I feel i should. No one knows I’ve been this scarred and I don’t know how to tell anyone. I just want to talk to you but I know you won’t respond. Every time I feel ready to open up I freeze. I miss you more than anything❤️
E
It’s not the end for you – although it was an end for them
On March 14th 2008, I found my brother lifeless. I was 13. I am currently 21 and I am living. I am living for me because I know my brother wouldn’t want my life to stop just because he chose to take his. My brother was & still is my best friend, my protector, my confidant. I have gone 8 years without him now; no it’s not easy, but you will get through it. Your life is not over, although you may feel like it is. Finding him will forever be an image in my mind, but I will always love him and I forgive him because ‘the time came when the pain it took to stay, was greater than the pain it took to go.’
For my brother.
Missing you Christina
It’s been some time Chris, and while I think of you on occasion, I am sorry to say I don’t enough. Many out there say they think of a lost sibling every day, but I don’t. I do not say this out of a lack of love or caring for you but I am a “runner”. I have a hard time with my emotions so I think my brain shuts out certain things to protect itself. That said, when I do think of you I get very emotional. It’s a reaction of “shit, really, this sucks on so many dimensions”. Your life, your child, your support of mom and dad (until mom passed). All thrown away in a moment of passion. We are a lot alike at some level in terms of being passionate emotional beings that were confused at some level by the fundamental complexity and unfairness of life. I managed to escape into workaholism and escape alcohol being one area. I thank God that in the end we were on what I thought was very good terms. I had been arrogant and judgmental earlier in your life about your decisions and I have felt bad about that for a long time. That said, I think we really bonded later in life when I saw weakness and difficulty in my own existence and you helped me through it. As is often natural, I feel a lot of guilt over the fact that I delayed my trip to Montana to help you. We had spoken that prior week and I had to defer. I think that may have been a fix for the issues but who knows. In any event, I love you and miss you and we keep an eye on your boy. Fortunately we are on good terms with Travis and believe he genuinely loves that little guy and does a good job of raising him. It’s also encouraging that your friend (her name escapes me) is involved with Tristan. I know you had some questions about her capacity to do that but I think it is very positive. Hope all is well in your electrical existence in the universe that you so passionately studied in terms of meaning. I think you were really on to something. Love you forever and always…
My Vagabond
Corey, my only sibling and older brother. We never fought. We understood each other in ways that I can’t even explain. Knowing that he always struggled, had this deep pain that none of us could even begin to comprehend. But always tried to keep a positive exterior, smiling and laughing, being an inspiration to everyone that surrounded him… He just didn’t realize how much he impacted every ones lives. Took his life March 12th, the night we got back from a comedy show. I am 20 years old and Corey was 25, this has felt like a nightmare since the day I woke up to the phone call… He had hung himself. Which is the hardest part for me to shake. The pain is too real now, confused, lost, hurt. Knowing you are finally at peace is somewhat comforting, I just wish I could hug you once more, that scruffy facial hair on my cheek. Feel your presence and hear the reassuring advice you always gave me. He was my angel from the beginning and always will be.
-Lil Sis
My beautiful angel sister
Jode, I wish I could of taken your pain away, even just for a day so you could feel like the girl you should of felt. My heart is breaking so much that I can’t even explain. It’s been 18 wks since you decided to leave. I miss your voice, your smile and your kindness. You were a great sister and a loving aunty. Frankie always asks where you are and can we go and see Jodie! I tell him your with the Stars.
I think about you every day. Miss you and love you to the stars and back my beautiful angel sister, until we meet again xxxxxxxxx