I as old as you were

It has been just over seven years since I last saw you and you took your own life. I remember siting in your garage listing to new music albums. Playing darts, laughing, joking. You always were there for me. Your were more then a brother, you were like a father to me. You protected me from the abuse of our other tormented siblings. You gave me hope for a better future and always made me feel good about myself when I felt useless in a complex word. You feed my love for music and encouraged me to play as many instruments as I could hold. It is hard to believe that the time has passed like this. I felt like our time together was just beginning when you left. I regret not being there for you like you were there for me. You were in pain and I could not see it. Your passing broke me so bad that I could not even go to your funeral or carry you casket. I didn’t want to believe that you were gone. I still dream of you at night. You still give me advice even when you are gone. The other night I dreamt you came back and that you just had to get away for a while.It is hard for me to be around your kids cause they look so much like you. They have your heart for sure! I miss the long nights drinking with you. I miss the food you created, you made being a stoner fun. I am still in denial that you are gone. Thanks for the good times. I hope we will meet again in some life after this. We will listen to some terrible country music and I will never complain about it again. You will always be a huge part of who I am. I love you buddy. I just can’t believe I am as old now as you were when you left. I am still broken.

If I could turn back the hands of time…

My Brother,
It almost a month since your passing, you left a note behind. Not really saying goodbye! You left me baffled, confused and shell shocked!
I still remember you protecting me since I started to remember memories. All these memories of you protecting me since I was a baby still flashes through my mind.
We been through so much together. You was my Daddy, my Mommy, my Brother, my best friend.
We never had a stable home but that didn’t stop you from making me smile or happy. You did your best to ensure my happiness. You got me my first shaving blade! You thought me how to ride a bike, skate board, spin a top, shoot marbles.
We drank and caught on a alot of kak together. We partied like rockstars! We worked hard and supported each other’s ambitions, whenever I fell you lifted me up. You were my strength whenever I felt weak.
I feel so confused, broken and sick all the time. I get weak when I see you hanging from that roof. It broke me to see you hang so lifeless and I couldn’t do anything to protect you then. I was too late to save your life as you saved mine countless of times!
I miss you brother! I am broken, bruised and damaged. I will still make you proud of me one day!!I love you always.
Ash

She’s gone

My sister committed suicide a couple of weeks ago, she suffered from depression. We missed the signs, thought she had turned a corner.
I found her, can’t get that image out of my head.
We were very close, she was my best friend, she worked with me, we would always be giggling about something.
Now she is gone.
I am quite a positive person, I don’t usually cry but I am a mess.
Looking back it was inevitable that this would happen 14 years of depression. I keep thinking if only I had done this or that even though I know if probably wouldn’t have made a difference. How long am I gonna feel like this ?

6 months on. I miss you everyday

Hi little brother. It’s been 6 months since you left. I’ve had some coaching which has helped me deal with the pain and be there for pregnant wifey. You said that you were sorry for not being able to meet your niece or nephew – but I know that you are looking over us.
I do still think about all the what ifs and whether I did enough to help. But I also want to focus on remembering all the amazing times we shared. Fighting over sega mega drive control pads and later graduating onto PlayStation. All the fun we had together playing micro machines, super soaker fights, as well as tamagotchi. Going to have some shisha in Marble Arch and watching films together and going for a pool session after.
I think about all those memories and even have them all jotted down every time I remember cos I want to hold onto those memories and keep them close to me.
It’s been 6 months and I still hurt when I think about how it all ended. But I really want to remember the amazing times we shared.
Keep helping me to be strong brother.
I love you. xxx
My original post is here: www.siblingsurvivors.com/i-miss-you-siblingssurvivors-guest-post/

1 year, how terrible

How could 1 year have gone by already? I cannot even fathom time like this. You were a part of my entire life – until you weren’t. You forced me to wrap my mind around this new life, and I’ve been living in it for 1 year. 365 days and I didn’t hear a new inflection in your voice or see a new crooked smile on your face. Before 1 year ago, I could look forward to those things any day, any time really. We’d walk and I’d wrap my hand around your forearm at your elbow, your hands in your pockets – yours was my favorite arm to hold because I needed to keep you safe, and show you that you were loved. You kept me safe, too. When I saw your body in that casket, all I could do is hold your arm again. You were cold. What a shocking truth. You’re just gone now. To this day, I still can’t really place where you are. The best solution I have is that you’re in my heart now – that is why my heart hurts so badly when I think of you.
It’s truly excruciating to think about you, but I still do every day. To think about your death of suicide is no longer shocking, and I can talk about that to people. I can tell them my brother took his life, and he struggled with chronic pain, mental illness, loneliness. I actually share this often, because I have found that so many people have been touched by mental illness and suicide. It’s so important to talk about it, so that we can prevent it.
I can’t talk about you-you, though, without the tears rolling. I can’t talk or even think about how you’d always bring the football to tailgates to play catch – or how we’d play tennis in the summer and get smoothies – or how you’d sing in public and embarrass me – or about the fact that your birthday came, but your age didn’t change. I can’t think about your voice, or your smile – not without the tears flowing. Because you were truly wonderful. So I will always hold you and your pain in my heart. I will always miss you.

So disconnected

I feel so lonely without my brother. It’s only been a little over 4 months and I feel like I don’t know how to live properly anymore. I feel like I need to take care of mom. I’m so worried about her it makes me sick. I can’t focus on school and I can’t afford to mess up again. It feels like no one cares about me really. All of my friendships feel vapid and fake and I can hardly bring myself to reply to most people. I find myself growing closer to people who are far away from me. People who won’t be mad at me for flaking or being boring in person because I simply don’t have to actually be around them. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I miss you so much. I need you here.

Keilah I miss you

It has been almost 7 months since I lost you baby sister. You were a young 17 year old girl who was so bright. You decided to move in with your new boyfriend and leave moms house. I found out two weeks before you took your own life that he was beating you and calling you names and telling you things that I hope I never hear again. I wish I had done so much more. I was your big bubba, I always protected you, but I failed this time. You left behind your little nephew, he loved you so much, and had so much fun with you, but he is so young I wish he would remember his amazing aunty K. I wish you would have taken my offer and moved in with me and your sister-in-law. It would have gotten you away from that monster and you would still be here. I love and miss you more and more everything single day my baby sister.

To my little brother

Its been a month since we found out that you decided this life is not for you. I was prepared for a while loosing mom or dad but for this i would have never be prepared. The perfect number of 4 is no more , we are back to the original trio. It hurts so much when i say this, cause its true. You were the last one to come in our lives and the first to go. I lit up 22 candels on your birthday but i am still not sure if you were 21 or 22 . You were short with 2 weeks and make me confused. For me you were 22 , cause you know it was my lucky number. Kiki misses you so much and feels so much guilt that i am afraid for her. I wish i could tell you to take care of her, she feels so alone. Sometimes i forget that the DNA test was made and an idea that you might be somewhere takes over, like you used to say you’ll go in Tibet to the monks. But the i remember you are you and you were the one who jumped from the fifth floor. This makes me wanna crumble to the floor praying for all this to be a bad dream. Your friend Nina said something that still hearts ‘ you guys are such a beautiful family ‘…this was 3 hours before your funeral. I just dont see the beauty in it now. Sometimes i wish we would find a letter or find out from someone that you indeed had intentions of doing this, but in the same time this doesnt really mather , you wont come back , just that it will hurt a little bit more knowing someone knew and we all family and friends didn’t know anything. Nomather of all this we / I love you and i am sorry that the intensity of our love did not show as much as the intensity of our pain now. Cause you made us feel like the perfect family 2 boys 2 girls. Different but talking the same language when caught up in our philosophies about life and s—. I will always love Pupac. And i really hope your soul is where you wanted to be. I will forever miss you and ever. Hope to see you someday somewhere….

I miss you man

Hey Tonio. Its been over a year and i miss you like crazy. I was doing just fine today and then out of nowhere i fell apart. I couldnt stop crying. I cant talk to anyone about you. I cant say anything to mom or dad, they’re struggling themselves to manage day to day. Our other siblings dont like hearing anything that remotely is about you. I cant talk to anyone because its been a little over a year and i should be over it by now. I miss you. I don’t want to miss you. This isnt a f—— joke man. Come back i need you. I cant do this antoni i just need my older brother back with me. Please come home. Tell me this was all a dream. Tell me you’re still alive and i just imagined the past year. What do i do now. I don’t want to be without you, you are my world. You protected me and i couldn’t protect you. Im sorry. If i could go back in time i never would have left for college. Please forgive me for leaving you alone. I love you