I lost my little brother to suicide on August 7th of this year. He lost his long battle with mental illness and depression. He was 29. We were best friends, we had twin souls and he was the absolute light of my life. I loved him more than I could ever put into words. I see a lot of siblings on here writing about grief, “what-if’s”, all the things they think they could have done. This breaks my heart. Everyone, please don’t take offense to this but please know that it had nothing to do with you. It was a choice that was made by your brother or sister and there’s nothing, not one thing, you could have done to prevent God from taking one of his angels. Sadly it was the plan. We will all be okay though. Keep remembering the positive things about them, don’t harp on the negatives. We are all survivors. Now let’s all stand up and go do what they would want us to do, be happy!
Tomorrow we Bury You
My Dearest Kate,
On April 20th, 2018, we lost you forever. Though things have gotten easier, I still think of you every single day, praying that you’re in heaven with God.
We’ve had your ashes at mom and dad’s house since you died, but we found a beautiful cemetery run by catholic monks out in Berryville, VA. It’s simple but picturesque- the type of place you’d have loved. It’s just so serene and peaceful there.
Tomorrow me, mom, dad and our priest are heading there tomorrow afternoon to finally place you in your final resting place. It’ll also be the final resting place for me, mom, dad and Jennifer, so one day you’ll be with your loved ones.
I know tomorrow will be an emotional day, but I’m praying for some type of closure. I know there’ll never be full closure, but at least we’ll know you’re in a beautiful place, hopefully as beautiful as heaven where I pray you are now. I’ll do my best to hold it together, but the finality of it all will finally hit me I’m sure.
Anyway, I love and miss you, and though you probably didn’t feel it when you killed yourself, but you’ve always been loved Kate. I wish I’d told you that more, maybe it would have changed your mind, but maybe not. I still feel guilt for not reaching out more, but what’s done is done.
Anyway, tomorrow is your day Kate. Many tears have been shed for the last 18 or so months, but I’m sure more will be tomorrow.
After tomorrow, I’ll at least be able to come and visit you and talk to you. I’ll always make sure your grave stone is kept clean and tidy, and I’ll visit you as much as possible. You’re always in my heart and mind, and I’ll never, ever forget you as long as I live.
Love always,
Your Brother
Guilt
My brother reached out and called me the day of his suicide. I ignored his call because I was out with someone and thought only about myself. I was the first person he had called and the closest to him and I did not pick up. I was always by his side when he needed me and I loved him more than it is humanly possible. We were inseparable. Yet he passed away broken hearted and alone thinking he was a burden to me and I did not love him. I replay that day in my head a million times over. I know for certain if I had spoken to him it could have been different. Instead I’m stuck here in the bottom of a black hole. Unable to crawl out of this deep guilt and despair that’s been clinging on to me for years. On the exterior I appear the same as the person I was before this, but inside I feel completely and utterly hollow. Numb at the new reality. How does anyone have the will to live with this type of insurmountable guilt?
I don’t know what to do without you
My older sister, 2 years older than me took her life at the end of 2017. She always appeared confident and proud to everyone, walking with her shoulders back and neck tall in the hallways and charming everyone she met. I’ve always been the quieter sister that stresses over everything and now that she’s gone, I’ve suddenly started to become her. She was reckless and did things on impulse but she always found
a way to make things thrilling like staying up in the dark playing video games or spending a whole day playing lame chess and card games when our parents cut the internet.
I don’t know how to get through highschool without her, I miss all the kick-a** advice she gave me and all the times she toughened me up in our petty little insult battles. I’ve somehow started to become her but it doesn’t feel right, like I’ve been forced to fill the gap that’s left in my parents hearts and in my own heart by becoming her because I need her guidance so badly.
Sometimes I wish she told me because despite us always bickering, it was always us against our parents and now it feels lonely and hopeless for me now that she’s left. I really wish I could have gone with her.. but I know how much damage that would cause and that everyone has the right to live out their life the way they want.
Fly high brother
It’s been fourteen years since you left and not a single day passes that I do not think about you. I try to focus on what I had, instead of what I lost and most days, it works. On those days, I think of what I miss about you. I think about your maddening dry sense of humor, your intelligent response to everything, and your witty charm that kept everyone around you mesmerized. You had a certain way with people and I deeply admired that about you.
But what I miss the most is the look upon your face every time you saw me. The second you realized I was near, you would drop whatever it was your were doing and the biggest smile would appear across your face. As you yelled my name with so much enthusiasm and excitement, you would walk towards me to give me a welcoming hug. You would bend down to wrap me in your warm embrace and lift me off the ground as you whispered, “I missed you kid,” into my ear. It didn’t matter how long (or how short) it had been since I last you. You always told me you missed me. It made me feel like a million dollars each time!
I always felt so safe when I was in your arms, as if the world (or anyone in it) could never harm me. Your arms were like a shield of protection that was impenetrable by even the strongest of forces. I haven’t felt that safe since our last embrace and my soul aches for it every moment of every day.
You were the best big brother that a girl could ever hope for and you loved me so fiercely. You treated me like I was your equal, even though there was an age gap of ten years between us. You understood everything there is about me, and accepted every part of who I am, flaws and all. You knew me deepest secrets and my darkest fears and not once did you ever use them against me. You encouraged me to follow my dreams, to never take life for granted, and to always remember that no matter what, you’d always be here for me.
I may never know exactly why you did what you did…or even what you were possibly thinking, but I’ve come to accept the fact that those are questions I will never get an answer to. And surprisingly, that’s okay now. It took many years to come to this point, but now that I am here, I am finally able to focus on what truly matters.
I no longer feel the need to know the facts behind your reasoning. I just need to remember the fact that you loved me. That your choice had nothing to do with me or how much you and I cared about each other. Although it still feels very personal to me, that is not how you intended for it to make me feel.
I know you loved me. I know you cared about me. I even know you valued our relationship and cherished the close bond that we shared for twenty years. I also know that you’re sorry for the pain you caused. You didn’t mean to break our hearts or to leave us riddled with guilt that would try desperately to destroy us.
You didn’t mean any of it…and I have to remember that. Even when I become so angry yet again for what happened. Even when I am feeling beaten down and ready to explode from all the anguish of it all.
Whenever you are at this precise moment in time, I hope you are happy and finally at peace. No matter what has happened, I still admire you and strive everyday to be the best version of myself that you always knew I would become. I hope that when you look down on me from up above, you are proud of the woman I have become. You taught me so much and believed in me when no one else did. For that, i will always be grateful.
I love you brother of mine. I always have and I always will. Until we meet again.
I love you older bro. (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)
It marks nearly 4 months (since May 25/26) since you departed from here.
I am constantly reminded by that night, where I found you asleep. You had your meds, alcohol lying around. You were listening to music peacefully, and had the window with the cold wind.
Simply thinking you were cold from the wind, I didn’t realize that your body was cold and lifeless. You were vibrant that day, and was outgoing, and we even shared a 2 hour conversation before I left to meet with my friend.
I can’t believe your last words to me was I love you too
You didn’t reach out to us, and I honestly feel like we were left in the dark. I knew you were going through things, but I did not realize the severity of your pain and your darkness. I wish we could have done more to guide you out of that darkness.
I constantly think about that night, and my suicidal urges, and the will to live. But you have given me a reason to live, and I will do what is right to fulfill my needs.
Thank you for being my role model and my mentor. When my time comes, I wish I can see you again and reminisce on the good times we had growing up. For now, I realize that life is sacred and I should cherish it.
Love you Rome.
Finally free
I was looking for a place to go and vent my feelings. I was looking for a support group but found this site. Here goes my story. My brother just killed himself on August 15th. My dad was the one who found him hanging in the garage. We had no clue about what he was going to do. He left no note. He got out of rehab 3 months to the day we buried him. I spent the most amount of time with him and I was blindsided. I am still grieving and have no clue as how to go on. We were the closest in age just 2 years apart. We grew up together and went to school together and shared the same vehicle. I got his death certificates in the mail today and I have been upset all afternoon. I miss him every day. I miss him coming to my house almost every day. I miss him telling me “come on we got s*** to do”
Lost Soul
My little brother passed away 9/4/19. I was in disbelief when I heard the news. My heart ached so much. I started to regret not spending more time with you. I was angry I didn’t take you with me when I came to visit. I just didn’t think you liked girly things and I didn’t want to bore you. I wished I’d created more memories of you. I regret so much not being about to connect with you like you connected with your close friends. I can’t imagine how sad and lonely you must have felt about life, the world, and insignificant. You have no idea, but I had plans to do and take you places with me and support you along the way. I’d wish you gave me a chance to get to know you. I tried hard to be there and listen to you. Idk if I was the only one that ever tried to reach out to you, but I hope you knew your family loved you so much. Your friends adored you. You made an impact on people’s lives and I wished you saw that before you left us. Ik you probably felt leaving a letter would bring more harm than good, but it would have been some kind of closure for us to understand WHY you left us. I love you so much and I don’t want you to be lonely wherever you are. I wish you come to visit me in my dreams. Sometimes, I wish you’d come back to take me with you. I’m left with so much anger in me, I have no way to deal with it. I’m not the same without you anymore. I just want you to know, you were never alone, and that I would have tried much harder to keep you alive had I known you were feeling like it wasn’t worth it anymore. I just want you back. I just want to come home and see you on your bed. I just want to go back in time when you were little and relive those happy moments. Wait for me. I’ll see you again.
To my brother Jaden
Dear Jaden, not a day goes by where I don’t think about you. You have been gone for a year. I hold a lot of regrets and I am just so angry at myself. I should have reached out to you more. I should have talked to you when I had the chance. I could have been there for you. I should have been there for you. After you died in February life just got hard. I had all this anger inside of me because I felt like I wasn’t a good sister. If I could ask you one question I would ask why didn’t you leave a letter or something. I just feel lost without you. I am trying to get help with everything that has happened to me. But at the same time I just feel lost and lonely without you. I want you to come back everyday to me. I miss you so much.
My everything
Until October of 2018, I took everything for granted. It’s really true, you don’t know what you have till you lose it. I never in a million years thought my brother would leave like this. I never was aware of his mental battel with extreme anxiety disorders. Everything was a complete shock to me. The worst part is that I still have no letter, no explanation, no closure. I wish I could have helped, I wish I could have known, and I wish this never happened. My soul, my heart, my everything is missing because I lost my life long best friend. The only thing I am sure of in this world is that I will make a difference, I will help others with mental health disorders. I know he would be proud and I know he is always watching from above. I love you with all my heart brother. I miss you everyday <3
