My 19 year old brother killed himself today

Today i woke up and the biggest worry i had was that my fiancé was late to work. Then it was the gas station not having any good food options for me to eat during work. Then Saturday june 25 2022 at 2:30 pm i got a text message that changed my life. “ You need to come to the house right away. It’s an emergency. Just leave post” so i rushed to my personal vehicle as my work car would be too slow. And i at one point went 127 mph on the highway. Once i neared my childhood home i saw cop cars alongside the other cars there and i knew my worst fear was true, someone was dead. My older sister and family friend were the only ones there yet. I immediately rushed to her and asked her what was wrong and she said the thing that would change me forever. “Max killed himself, we just found out because i found him”. I was and still am in shock. But my first thought was f*** im sorry she had to see that and i said as much to her. Shock does weird things sometimes. I didn’t burst into tears or have a breakdown (that would come later) but my brain started filling with questions. Questions i felt I couldn’t ask because it felt like it would be inappropriate. What happens now? Who is going to… clean up? How did he get the … option of choice? Did he leave a note? I ended up asking the investigator and he said no physical note but they were hoping to find something on his phone. Im just still reeling. Im a practitioner so i also worry about his spirit. I had a bit of a cry when my fiancé got there but after that i was just numb. I avoided thinking too hard on it or just being too blunt with it. But as soon as i got home and saw my dog (my emotional support/ the one I’m truly comfortable expressing sadness and crying around since she always cuddles me) i lost it. I had a good long hard cry, the first of many i assume. I just needed to put this somewhere. Somewhere it wouldn’t scar or hurt someone who hasn’t experienced this. Im so tired but i also dont want to sleep. Im so sad but so numb. I miss him so much already. Im so so upset that he’s gone. I am not mad at him though. Ive been close to doing the same before, luckly i pulled myself away from the edge. Im just sorry he couldn’t. Im angry at his demons or his brain chemicals or whatever made him feel like that was his only choice. Im sad that I’ll never have a new memory of him again. Im mad he wont ever get to go to school to be a fashion designer. Im mad i wont ever hear his voice again, or hear one of his funny rants. Im sad because i wont get to see him put together another eccentric outfit. I wont see what he would wear to my wedding. I just want him to know, that im not angry with him, that i love him and that he needs to forgive himself for doing it so he can find peace. I just want my baby brother back. But he is gone.

4 thoughts on “My 19 year old brother killed himself today

  1. My big brother Juan died on Saturday, June 25th 2022 as well. My mom, my 13yr old son and I found him around 12:45pm dead in his bed. I had heard him that morning about 4:30am in his room… that was the last time I will ever hear him do anything. I flipped him over and I will never forget that image of him from my mind. I performed CPR. My mom was yelling and crying – don’t hurt him please, he’s already dead!! I didn’t believe her and kept pumping his chest. My teeth chattering, but no tears in my eyes. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t crying. I was in shock. It was as if I was already preparing myself for the upcoming events that follow a death. I was visualizing how my sweet mom’s tiny shoulders will feel as we hug her at his funeral services and I could visualize the devastated look on my kid’s faces. I know that this is all coming and I haven’t cried like I know I need to but I know when it happens it will be a step closer to realizing that he is physically gone forever but he will remain within us all. He was my bro man…he was my best friend… he was a pain in my butt but I needed him in my life. They told us he had been dead for a couple hours and we don’t have any answers yet. This pain is nothing anyone should feel. I’m laying in his bed as I’m writing this. He was turning 45 on July 7th. May we find the strength to get through this without losing our minds! God bless.

  2. My brother was also 19 when he killed himself.
    Your post outlined so many feelings about his death I have been unable to put in words. I’m so mad at the part of him that convinced him there was no other choice.
    It will be 4 years since his death on July 23rd.
    I miss him every day. At first I could only think about his death and the moments leading up to it and all the pain. Now when he pops into my head, most of the time it’s good and happy and I can remember without the heart wrenching pain every single time.
    It took a long time to get to this point though, and I still have moments that hurt just as much as the moment I got the phone call and curled up on the floor holding my dog screaming and crying “no” over and over again.
    I hope he knows how much he is loved and missed.
    I hope you are able to find comfort around those who also loved your brother.

  3. I’m so sorry this happened to you, but I hope it brings you a little peace of mind knowing you aren’t alone in this. I also lost my brother and the two year anniversary is coming up this month. I can’t say that the pain goes away, but it becomes easier to manage and cope with. Even so, live in the moment while it’s fresh and don’t try to push it down. My therapist would tell me to feel my emotions, be sure you do that too 🙂 ❤️ Much love

  4. i am crying reading this post…my little brother just did the same thing no note no goodbye just left us forever. I feel like I failed him because I obviously was not there for him. Just wish i could have seen him one more time

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