Life nearly 2 years on

Hey brother,
I often write to you, I have a book specifically for you and letters to you. I often find I wrote to you when I’m feeling overwhelmed with sadness and pain.
I want to speak aloud to you, but I still can’t. The lump that forms in my throat when I try and talk to you is huge and stops my voice, but writing to you is the same really. And I think conversations with you every day too.
The pain of losing you sometimes hits me just as hard as it did when I saw Dad’s name on my phone nearly 2 years ago. Hits me from nowhere and your 2 year old niece often wipes my tears. She’s incredible and you would love her so much. Not just for the little person she’s become, the character, the attitude and sass but for how she continues to be my strength when I don’t have any. And she knows all about you. She thinks your funny. Our house phone rang a few months back and she answered it. When I asked who it was she said it was uncle Jamie, I hope you were there in some way.
It’s now been 2 years since I last saw you, last hugged you. I can still feel that hug, it was different to our normal hugs, harder and tighter because it was the first time I had seen you since she ended your marriage and you were hurting.
I found a charity that has been incredible for me, just having someone to talk to and be completely honest with about my feelings, my anger, my confusion, my guilt, my regrets and every other emotion. Someone who has been through it themselves in some capacity so it’s ok to say some of the awful the things I think.
For the first time last week, I actually sat down with a cuppa during nap time and thought to myself ‘I’ll give J a call in a sec’. I don’t think I’ve ever done that, that hit me like a bus.
My life will never be the same, this hole in my heart will never mend and everything in my life is now referred to as before or after you. But I am so grateful to have had you for your forever.
I always sign off with ‘miss you everyday’ but that doesn’t quite do it really, there’s missing someone and then there’s this that I haven’t yet found a word for. So until I do find a word to describe just how much I miss you, I miss you everyday! Xxxx

One thought on “Life nearly 2 years on

  1. I lost my big sister 2 months ago. I refer to everything as before or after her too. I see photos from before, even if they have nothing to do with her, and think; I had no clue. That in 3 years from then, or 3 months from then or 3 days from then…I would lose her. You’re the first person that ive seen talk about the before/after thoughts as well. I miss her everyday, every second even.
    Love her beyond the end.

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