Isolation, looking for someone who can relate

Being a sibling survivor of suicide can be truly isolating, as I’m sure you all know. I have a wonderful group of friends to talk with but none of them have a clue what I go through on a daily basis. That behind every smile there’s a hint of guilt that my brother can’t smile anymore, that my birthdays are a reminder that I’ll be older than him soon, that I would trade every positive thing in my life since his death rup go back to our old lives in a heartbeat. So I found this site, in search of those who can relate. Sometimes it’s comforting, and other times I feel even more isolated.
My brother was 5 and a half years older than me. He was my only sibling. We were not that close once he became a teenager. He struggled with addiction for years. I hated him at times (that kind of hate where you still love them but choose to not have themin your life). But then he got clean for good, on his own terms. We both lived with our parents. We started becoming friends for what felt like the first time. I was SO happy to live in the same house. He seemed so happy. We went to the movies and cooked each other food. We had three amazing years of really being brother and sister.
Then one night, he and his new girlfriend got in a fight and she walked out on him. She came back to find him hanging on our patio. My parents and I ran to him. My dad and I took him down and performed CPR while my mom called 911. The paramedics shocked him 4 times, so he still had an electric rhythm. After taking to an EMT friend of him, he said we were probably only a few minutes too late.
So after 3 years of feeling really alone in this grief, I just want to ask if anyone has had a remotely similar experience? Sometimes it’s hard to read other people’s stories who heard the news over the phone, were estranged from their sibling, were best friends with their sibling, have other siblings to talk to… I know everyone here has had an unimaginable loss and I am so sorry for each and every one. I in no way mean to downplay one loss from another, they are all the worst loss any of us have experienced. I’m just looking to not feel so alone. Can anyone relate? Or does anyone else feel this isolated in their grief?

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10 Responses to Isolation, looking for someone who can relate

  1. Alexander. says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. May your brother, rest in eternal peace. I can also relate, to having lost a best friend/brother to suicide. The guilt, the anger, confusion, the utter loneliness. I’ve been through it all. I really hope you’re getting all the right help, guidance to get you through this painful process.

    • Erin says:

      Thank you so much. I’m deeply sorry for yours as well. I’m looking to get back to a grief support group. I haven’t been in about 2 years, I think it’s time to try again.

      • Catherine says:

        Truly heartbreaking to read some of these messages . It brings it all back. I try and think that they have gone to these extents to end their pain , and try and take some comfort in the fact that they no longer hurt ? Or are confused and lost ?
        Then other times I’m mad. I find it hard to speak about my sister as people feel uncomfortable… including some of my sisters. I’ve lost two of my best friends since as it’s changed me so much. I became unbearable to be around . Has anyone else found that people expect you to be over this after a certain amount of time ?
        Life seems unbearable at times . Thinking of you . It is good to talk xxx

        • Erin says:

          Nobody has told me to get over it but, yes, I’ve absolutely gotten the sense that some people think that sometimes. I think it comes partially from them wanting us to be over it and partially from ignorance not realizing that we never truly will. People who haven’t gone through this don’t understand in any way. Thank you for talking with me.

  2. Annabelle Dufty says:

    I can relate to you.
    My little brother took his life 3 weeks ago he was just 19 years old. he was so beautiful and kind hearted was always ensuring everyone around him was happy before himself and I think this was his only downfall he took on everyone’s problems and soon enough I think he could no longer see any colour in the world.
    We are a family of six, mum, dad, me the only girl and my three brothers. My heart breaks for us all my youngest brother is just 14 and I think is only just starting to realise that his brother isn’t just away on holidays that he is never coming back.
    He also struggled with addiction problems and depression for about 3 years but was on the mend and looking really fit and healthy. Similarly I think they both acted impulsively, after loosing his job two days before I think he was devastated that his hands and mind weren’t going to be busy come Monday morning.
    My older brother found him in our shed sitting on the ground with his hands in his lap, rope around his neck he called for our mother to wake her up. My mum is a nurse and knew straight away that no amount of CPR could bring him back which I think is a blessing, it saved them the trauma that you have had to go through trying… trying your hardest to bring them back. Being a suicide survivor is hard, it’s not like any other grief you feel so many different emotions all at the same time. Sadness, anger, doubt, guilt, hopelessness, and I know one day I will be okay but it will never get any easier. I would not wish this upon my worst enemy or the most evil person in the world. We feel isolated because of the stigma attatched to suicide people don’t know how to talk to us so simply they just don’t talk at all.

    • Erin says:

      Thank you. I’m sorry for your loss as well. Yes, the stigma is difficult. We held the truth from most for the first year out of respect for my mom, who wasn’t ready to tell anyone at the time. And you’re absolutely right, most people just don’t talk at all. Thank you so much for your response. ❤

  3. Donal says:

    I am very sorry for your loss and yes i can relate to how you are feeling,my younger brother took his life a year ago and it is a very isolating feeling i looked after my brother alot as there was an 11 year age difference,he was depressed and anxious for a long while and dropped off the radar a lot but I always knew he was out there somewhere,now i know he’s not out there anymore it’s the worst feeling in the world,he made sure there would be no way of reviving him this time as it wasn’t his only attempt,he burned himself in his car new years eve 2017..but for any of us who have had to deal with the loss of a loved one it’s not how they took their lives that bothers us i think,it’s more the guilt of not being there or being able to stop it,life goes on they say but it’s forever tainted ,the people left behind are the suicide victims in the end and the only real comfort is that our siblings are no longer suffering.Again i am very sorry for you and your families loss

    • Erin says:

      So sorry for your loss. Yes, you’re right.. that’s my biggest comfort, that he’s no longer suffering. It was the strangest feeling for so long, that the world kept moving forward. I was living but my life stopped for a long time. I’m back to “normal” life but tainted is a good way to described it. Thank you for reaching out.

  4. Myriah says:

    I’m so sorry 😞❤️ I want you to know that you are not alone. My brother took his life 11 days ago, 17 days shy of his 19th birthday. I’m the one who found him in his closet lifeless with a gun pointed towards him. It still feels unreal, but the pain and his absense in the house lets me know it’s real. It feels a little comforting to read that people are going through similar situations. We’re all hurting. Some of my friends have lost some of the closest people in their lives, but not to suicide. Some of them do not know how to comfort me. Losing a grandparent due to old age is not the same thing ! It hurts but it doesn’t leave you with as many questions. It doesn’t leave you with guilt, wondering what else you could have done. It doesn’t leave you shocked because you knew it was happening soon. I just pray that the Lord covers all of us and gets us through this very troubling time.

  5. Kenna says:

    I lost my little sister to suicide 6 months ago, 8 days after her 17th birthday and just 7 days after her boyfriend took his life. We’re are 14 months apart in age and have been close our entire life. I remember that day so vividly that I feel like I’ll never forget what I saw. Seeing her like that will forever haunt me I feel like. It’s only been 6 months but I’m still hurting just as bad as when it happened. Sometimes I feel like it will never get better and I will always feel this hurt. I remember the night before she passed away it was her boyfriends celebration of life and when we were leaving she came up to me and wiped my tears telling me everything was going to be ok and then the next day she had hung herself in a tree in our backyard where we grew up together. This hurt is something I don’t wish on anyone but it makes me feel a little better to know that I’m not alone.

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