I lost both my brothers to suicide

where to begin?? Well I guess I should start in 2020 when my younger brother John-michael took his life in his room @ the age of 21 and I was the one who found him.
2 years later in 2022 my youngest brother Jim ended up going the same route he died @ the age of 20.
Now what makes this story even more interesting is that my brother Jim recorded music so when he left this world he left his music here which is currently still being released ( posthumously)

Its just crazy that I can still hear his voice and feel what he felt threw his music.
Fast forward to current date which is 05/28/23 I am now living in a sober living which I have relapsed and I’m been on a binge for almost 2 months now. I can feel the depression coming back and thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore but then again there’s no way I could ever hurt my family like that they would just be devastated now that I’m the only brother left. I just need some one to talk to about this I mean I don’t want say I’m using my past trauma as an excuse to use but damn man I just have a lot pain I had to go threw like damn! why does this have to happen? its been 7 months since my brothers passing and I feel like I’m just now grieving.