I’m a big sister to 2 brothers. 7 and 9 years younger than me. Our dad died when they were in kindergarten and 2nd grade. I was at the end of my freshman year when daddy died. I stepped up and really took an active role in my baby brother’s lives. They were always with me. I took care of them both. I always shared a closer bond with my oldest baby brother, Gary. We were so close for so long. We drifted apart some in the last few years. But I still couldn’t ever tell him no. And tried even if I was mad at him to take care of him no matter what. And he made that hard. Where as he would never take from his friends or strangers. I was fair game and he kept taking advantage of me. I hate myself for staying so mad at him throughout the last two years of his life. No matter how legitimate of a reason he would give me. On Dec 5 2019. I’ll never forget mom calling me screaming. She found him. He had hung himself in our shop in front of our house. My world shattered. I didn’t plan on arranging the funeral. But I had to bc mom was too distraught. It hurts everyday. I miss him so bad. I feel like such a failure. If only I could of been a better big sister. I knew he needed me. My heart is shattered. A go fund me page I set up paid for his funeral. Now we have to figure out how to get him a headstone. No clue how I’m gonna swing that. If only I could have one more chance to be the sister he needed me to be. He left behind a 4 year old princess of a daughter. She looks just like him. Seeing her breaks my heart. She won’t remember him. She told me a couple weeks ago she was starting to forget him. I cried all night. I cry in secret everyday still. It is such a nightmare.