A few weeks ago my 17 year old brother Adam killed himself. I was off at my first year of college, and during the week my parents called me and told me he hung himself. I always knew he battled with depression and anxiety, but within the last few months he really seemed to be improving. New meds, new girlfriend, lost a ton of weight, and he seemed to be genuinely doing well. A week prior to his death I was talking to him and he told me that he was happy and he fixed everything he wanted to. But then he killed himself. He never really opened up fully to me or it seems anyone about his struggles, but he genuinely sounded happy when he told me he was happy. After a lot of thinking I’ve come to the conclusion that although he was truly happy, he still could not outrun his biological problems. But now it’s been a few weeks that he’s been gone and it just hurts. I feel like I was numb before, but now it’s just hard to accept. We were the only two in our family, and my parents are a mess, and it’s been really hard to take care of my own well being while also helping with theirs. I feel this gaping hole in me is just growing every day now and I don’t feel like it’s going to end anytime soon.

2 thoughts on “Adam

  1. Hi,

    I don’t think I have anything I can say to help but I know how you feel. My brother James killed himself on the 1st of April this year and I don’t really know how to carry on without him. He was my only sibling and we were very close so I just feel empty now.

    My parents also seem completely broken they just keep crying and I don’t know how to help. I don’t want to or feel like I can talk to them about how I’m feeling as they wouldn’t understand, but if you would find it helpful to talk to someone who’s going through exactly the same thing as you, we are all here.

  2. I hope you are both well. Parents are a struggle, I think they get wrapped into their own pain and don’t realize the pain we siblings feel and how it kind of rocks our world.

    I don’t know that the gaping hole leaves, it kind of gets smaller I suppose, but when you become an only child I feel like you lose a lot of understanding or the small inside family jokes. There is a dynamic that is no longer there, all you can do is use the memories to kind of carry on.

    I guess I am kind of seasoned if either of you need someone to talk to.

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