It’s been eight years since you passed. For the first 6 years I was just numb and carrying on with life as if nothing had changed. Last year, I spent the whole year crying EVERY single day. I would wake up exhausted after ten hours sleep and start my day with a three hour cry session. I was consumed with this unbearable sadness and hopeless feeling. All I could think about was how much I wanted my pain to be over and the reasons for my pain. We are two months into this year and all I can think about is how much you’ve hurt not only me, but your whole family. I’m angry not because you chose to leave us, but because you caused us so much pain. I know it was not all your fault but I can’t help but feel like if you had not killed yourself, so many people, including me, your lil sister, wouldn’t be so hurt and I’d still be the happy and bubbly person I use to be. I’m scared to love people because I’m afraid I’ll lose them too. I don’t think I can survive another great loss.
You are my annoying big brother and I will always love you but I know that I will have to spend the rest of my life with this massive hole inside of me. A hole that I will never be able to fill.
Miss you until the end,