Querida hermanita;Two years ago, we were celebrating Amelia’s birth on Christmas Day. You seemed so happy! Even now, I wonder what went wrong. I know you didn’t want to die. You went to the hospital to get help. You had the crisis number next to your phone by the bed. What went wrong? My dear sister, I am so lost! So broken! I ache. Yes, I ache all the time. My heart aches My whole body aches. My mind aches. I have a difficult time celebrating New Year’s Eve anymore. I had a terrible sense of foreboding that NYE. I felt that someone had died or was going to die and Mike just told me to stop being dramatic, nothing bad was going to happen. I had no idea that it would be you, that I was actually feeling you leaving this earth. We were so connected that I felt you. And all I can say now is why why why? When will the crying stop? When will I be myself again? Will I ever? I am sorry for the things I said wrong, for the things I didn’t say right. I miss you. And I will always love you. With much love, con mucho amor, tu hermana.
I feel for you so much. I am deeply sorry for what you are going through. I know that aching, I know that questioning, and I know that regret and guilt. All I can say is that I know one day it will get a little easier to live with. Please dont give up hope on that. I lost my brother 25 years ago and its been so rough but it has gotten easier and that doesn’t mean we forget or don’t hurt but we can live our lives knowing its okay to try to be happy. For now, please continue to visit us here, share and read other posts, and search for some more support/therapy,
if you can and when you are ready.