It’s been over a year and it still feels like everything happened yesterday. I always thought I’d be the one to commit suicide because my illness was always out in the open. Your mental illness just crept up on me and everyone else even though it didn’t at the same time. I feel responsible because I know what it’s like to feel that hopeless and miserable and u didn’t see it in you. that fight we had over winter break still haunts me every moment of my life. Everybody says that you didn’t suffer but the amount of emotional turmoil I know you were in surpasses any physical suffering you could have experienced. Mom’s still pretty manipulative. I thought your death might open her eyes but it just made everything worse. She treats me like I’m not allowed to mourn you and acts as if she is the most affected by your death. She tries to blame your ex but I personally think a year of a bad relationship is nothing compared to the 19 years of emotional abuse that she put you through. She bought the plot next to you. She treats me the same as always. Anytime I cry, she cries ouder. It’s gotten so bad that I’ve pushed all of my grief down as usual. I can’t control or express my grief it’s just always there but I can’t access it. Now when I go to your grave or anything like that, I don’t get anymore sad than I already am, I just get angry about everything with Mom. I moved out to Nana’s though and I’m going to college this fall and getting my life together and it feels really good but I also hate it, honestly. I feel so guilty for moving on without you. When you first died, I thought maybe I was supposed to die too because I’d never been on this earth without you before. You were 19 when you died. I was 17 but I’ve aged so much in one year. I’m dreading the day that I’ll be on the earth longer than you ever were. I’m not mad at you but it hurts to know that you didn’t choose to live for me the way I chose to live for you. I miss you more everyday, Sis.
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