I lost you 10 months ago and it still feels like yesterday. You were so kind and empathetic and sometimes I wondered if that was part of it, you felt too much of this world. I finally took a vacation to our favorite spot and I am sitting here thinking it feels wrong to be in “your place” without you. I want to spread your ashes but I haven’t been able to yet. I can’t understand, I replay the entire year and find myself immersed in guilt. You talked to me about taking your life and 7 months later you were gone. I was so scared of losing you and breaking your trust that I didn’t tell anyone. I wish I could go back, I will always wish I could go back. I am angry with the pandemic because I was so worried about getting you sick that I saw you rarely and your mental health declined out of sight. I am struggling to find my life after you but man I am really trying. Eric, my baby brother, I miss you so much and I love you forever. Love, you big sis

4 thoughts on “Struggling

  1. My heart is with you and please continue to share here. We may not know each other but we can understand a lot of what we are all going through. Please know that you have this safe space.

  2. 7 months here. He wanted to talk to me. I was driving. A few hours later he said it was ok. Let’s go fishing sometimes. I was so mean to him. I am so so so sorry for your losses. For everyone’s. If I could have not been so selfish. I can’t remember the last time I saw him smile. I am horrible. He was so good in so many ways. I am sorry. It hurts so bad.

    1. we alll go through this the what if’s.. if only I had.. I chose to go to work rather than canceling the week and looking after my brother when he was in distress. This pain, this wanting to die too feeling does soften. I am at the 7 months mark. My brother Bernard took his own life 27-02-21. You are not alone

  3. I lost my brother and best friend just under three months ago. To others I seem like I am doing just great but internally I’m so sad and mad at myself. I should have seen the sign, i should have known but I was too busy living my own life. He wasn’t just my brother, he was my best friend, my business partner and the one person I looked up to my entire life. I love you forever Deke, RIP 🙂

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