It’s been 9 days but I miss him so much already

On May 30, my 26 year old baby brother, Matt, committed suicide in my son’s bed by shooting himself in the head (no, my son wasn’t in there). I heard the shot and the sound will haunt me forever. He had paranoid schizophrenia, that caused him to think I was against him, and I was his “person.”  I raised him since he was 5 and he was my best friend. He knew more about me than anyone in this world. He couldn’t handle the things his mind was trying to tell him, but he knew it shouldn’t be telling him that. I watched him fight a very painful war in his head, but he refused to go to the doctor. I tried for 3 years, but he said he didnt want to be “zombie-fied” on pills. I saw the pain his own mind caused him and I would never want him to live that way, but I also feel that if he didn’t want to have to live on pills “zombie-fied” (like our uncle who has been institutionalized for 15 years) that he shouldn’t have to live that way either. I don’t know how to feel. It gives me some small amount of peace to know he isn’t suffering anymore, but the pain is something I didn’t know existed. I will never get over this, and Im not sure how to find a new “normal”, because it will never be normal again. I just really hope that at the time, he knew I loved him more than life itself and I would have taken his pain for him if I could have. I hope when he died, he knew I loved him and not what his demons were telling him . Its comforting to know I’m not alone in this horrendous heartbreak and others know how I feel, because its hard to even put into words. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

4 thoughts on “It’s been 9 days but I miss him so much already

  1. You are not alone! ❤ …. bipolar in my family. Complaints of meds “zombifing” them is/was so real for these beautiful souls we were blessed to love. Lost my beloved brother to suicide 4 years ago. The pain shifts. Changes with the tides of our lives.. It’s so hard. Please don’t feel alone! They know we loved them so much. We will see them again. Take care!! ❤❤

  2. My deepest condolences to you. The pain is unbearable, but you will come out alive on the other side of it. Go to therapy, it is absolutely necessary. I also lost my little brother last year. The first 6 months are hell, then it slowly, slowly gets a little easier. My thoughts are with you.

  3. Sorry to hear of the loss of your brother 💔.I can relate to different things you mentioned. I believe all our siblings knew we loved them and they loved us. And for them to do what they did, they couldn’t have been thinking rationally. My brother, only sibling walked into a lake and drowned himself. No, life will never be the same and there are no words to describe how were feeling. Many (((hugs))) sent your way.

  4. Your brother reminds me of my older brother, who was also 26 when he took his life last July. He was showing signs of schizophrenia but unfortunately doctors could not find any “proof”. Maybe he was in early stages ? He too did not want to be on pills & didn’t want help. I was also his “person”, his most favorite person. The pandemic didn’t help his mental state either. I try to think of it as he has freed himself but some days are harder than others. I think the hardest part is no one will understand unless this has happened to them. It’s not the same as losing a family member to an illness, old age, or other circumstances. And losing a sibling, that is the real kicker. Those are your best friends, for me since birth. We were a year and a half apart but my dad always said we were like twins. We call my brother our butterfly. He is flying free because he was too genuine for this world. He was brilliant, but he was never happy. His mind just always operated at a higher level. I recently watched Good Will Hunting for the first time and wanted to cry because Will reminded me of him so much. Anyways, I hope you see signs of him everywhere. Since he passed I have seen so many butterflies. Everywhere, all around me. I try to take it in everytime I see one. May you find peace on this never ending journey.

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