Oh.. Wow. How long has it been? 3 1/2 years?! Oh geez.

Tyler, I miss you so much.. February 15, 2012, YOU LEFT ME.. You left me alone. You were my big brother. You were my hero. I wanted to be as cool and tall and happy as you. I was jealous at all the friends you had. I loved and LOVE you so much.

I will always remember these three days: January 31, my birthday, you came into my room, pinned me on my bed and tickled me wishing me a happy birthday. You drew a mask on my face writing silly words like dumb and ugly and stupid. I accidentally kicked you in your nuts and you ran out and punched a hole in the wall (which is still there). Mom called 20 seconds after you left and you freaked. You picked me up dragging me into the bathroom and scrubbed my face with a washrag trying to get the sharpie off. My face was bright red from all the scrubbing when it was finally off.

The next day I will always remember is February 14, Valentine’s Day! :'( I hate Valentine’s Day… You asked mom to drive us to Target so you could run in and get some “gum”. When you came out you had a pretty pink bag with a card and a CD by the Script. That was one of the very few birthday presents you got me. It meant so much to me that I cried. That night we had youth group and we played Valentine’s themed games. You asked out your crush later that night and she rejected you. You didn’t tell me but I could tell something was up on the way home from youth group. I didn’t ask because I knew you would eventually tell me. Guess I was wrong…

February 15 started out as a normal day. Wake up, eat breakfast, go to school, yadda yadda. But, I had to stay after school to finish a project for my StageCrafting class. I got a call at about 5 p.m. from Mom asking me where I was and why I wasn’t home. I explained to her that I was still at school and was almost done with my project. She sounded shaky and scared. I said OK, I’ll be home in 15. (I was in 8th grade, BTW and he was a Sophomore in High School). Completely oblivious to what was occurring at home, I skipped all the way home being happy-go-lucky and smiley because I finally finished that project. I turned the corner and saw red and blue flashing lights. The rest is a blur.

I’m an only child now… It sucks. I don’t have anyone to play catch with. I don’t have anyone I can rely on to always be there for me. Why did you have to leave me? Why did you have to take my best friend away? I will see you later in Heaven. <3 <3 <3

I miss you so much.

LOVE YOU BUBBA

Sissy

(Sorry for the narrative… Just needed to rant a little bit…)

I am currently 20 years old but I lost my older sister, Heather, when I was 11 and she was 24. Up until this year my parents had convinced me that the death was murder. Everything added up and I’m sure my parents tried to convince themselves it was murder too. The autopsy came back inconclusive. Now that I’m older I’ve learned a lot more about whats happened to my sister. She suffered from depression, ADHD, and bipolar disorder. Everyone describes her to me as such a beautifully happy and vibrant person. I learned this year that she probably committed suicide. The concept is difficult to comprehend. I hardly remember my sister. I feel like I don’t know anything about her and it kills me. The older I get the more I yearn to learn about her. My parents are recently divorced and I cannot reach out to my mother or father in this situation. My other sister is estranged from my mother and also fought with Heather while we were growing up.

I just feel so lost and confused. I wish I could remember my sister but I understand her suffering was very great. I found this website and had a yearning to share.

Courtney

I have lost three siblings in the span of four years. Our brother four years ago, our middle sister two years ago, and our oldest sister last month. I cannot wrap my head around this. We do have a history of depression and bipolar in the family. We also had a uncle on our dad’s side who committed suicide as well. I just don’t understand why. Can this be stopped. I am concerned for other family members and the next generation. I want to come through this healthy and possibly help others.They leave us so broken. I am so very angry at them for doing this. I am also sad for their families, my mom, and for me and the sibling that I have left. I am sick of walking this journey. I am constantly scared of getting more bad news. Loud noises scare me. The dark scares me. I don’t want to sleep, because the thoughts and visions take over.

I am so sorry for each of your losses. It saddens me to read the stories here, but I know that we are not alone. I was feeling so alone and crazy that this has happened in our family.

Prayers for all,

AJ

Sibling-less-ness. This word I use to describe my feelings of loneliness, my missing my siblings, my alone-ness. It’s the feeling which causes me to cry or being jealous of my friends and co-workers who have their siblings to see and talk to. My feelings that my siblings-in-law are poor replacements for my brothers.

I lost my older brother Jimmy on Feb 25, 1999 age 18 when I was only 11 years old. This was a shock and something that effected my life for years. While his death helped to shape me into who I am, it no effects me in my life on a regular basis. Even when he was alive we had a rocky relationship.

I lost my younger brother John on Jan 27, 2013. He was 20 and I was 25. He was a post-deployment suicide. That military knock on the door at 6 am was one of the hardest things I will probably ever experience. I feel part of the worst of it was standing with my mom and asking what happened hearing that he had been found hanging in his room by his roommate and mom’s response “NO THAT’S NOT POSSIBLE BECAUSE I FOUND HIS BROTHER HANGING DOWN THERE” as she pointed down the stairs.

This started my alone-ness, my sibling-less-ness. I had already dreaded the question “How many siblings do you have?” sometimes it was 2 sometimes just 1 brother. A couple of weeks ago it was “I have 2 brothers in heaven” Today with my school-age day care class (25 kids ages 5-12), I told them “I have 2 brothers but am an only child”

Elizabeth

You left approximately May 25-26th 2015…After the worst fight we have ever had. Going a few days with out speaking with you wasn’t anything new after a fight, but this time it was physical, you said “say one more thing” and I did because I was so tired of you not living life, not being who you should be. You stormed and the rest is history. I know you missed mom, but 7 months isn’t long enough to get through things. 2 weeks isn’t enough to get through anything. My heart is so empty, a great big empty. Yes, your squishy is doing her thing, but she has terrible night terrors and I am not sure if it’s because you were so angry and methodical when you decided to exit or because she genuinely knows that you aren’t alive. Babies do have that uncanny knack for seeing things…You could have just given things more time, moved, changed zipcodes…You were NEVER alone!!! The pit in my stomach feels like it will forever be on a spinning ride and there is only momentary relief. 7 months since mommy died and now you are gone…Damn all the Drs that perpetually kept you in the system, damn me for fighting with you, but damn you for thinking this was the end. Maybe for you, but for us- its only the dreadful beginning…Day by day, minute by minute, I am having a thousand emotions. I will never leave because I do love my life. I just wish/ed that you found that same love. Whatever it was. Maybe I am to blame, maybe you are. I am not sure and does it matter now? You are gone, girl. And your niece doesn’t have you, your family, friends and Daddy don’t have you and I certainly don’t, either. But I miss you like crazy, you stupid girl. Maybe in time I can forgive you for dipping out this way, but for right now…I am so miserable that I just can’t find solace. Even in my own child.

Erica