6 months ago you were alive. In 9 days, 6 months ago you would decide to take your life. I will never understand why you did this without calling me. You called me for everything. I was your person and you were mine. You called me for the most minor of issues and all major health concerns, but you didn’t call me on that night. You were in pain, I knew that, but I don’t know it was this much – so unbearable the only way out was death. I am broken. I go through the motions of life but I’m a shell. I love you and miss you every day. I go to call you and it hit all over again. I’m so deeply sorry I wasn’t there and you didn’t call. I will never recover from this. I am broken. I hope you are no longer in pain, and you can rest, and mom is there with you. I love you so much.

Two years ago, on the 22nd June 2023, my older and only brother decided to take his own life.My life fell apart. I was completely trapped during the first year. I had to deal with a multitude of emotions, such as anger, guilt, feeling isolated, paralyzed, and even some that haven’t even been named yet. I couldn’t remember the good times with him.

I was able to enjoy my brother’s company when I was a kid and young adult, listening to music for hours together, traveling together, playing sports together, watching TV together, playing video games together, and learning together. He was my protector. I loved his sense of humor. I miss him so much. I hope you are well wherever you are, my beloved brother, it really hurts not to see you. I’m really sorry that I couldn’t help you.

The best way to honor you is to live my life, to do the things we both loved, to laugh at the same things we laughed at, that’s what you wanted for me and that’s what I will do.

There’s a huge stigma and taboo about people who decide to commit suicide. They have a very high level of suffering from life’s problems. No one has the right to judge them or the people around them. It’s important to explain to society that grief for suicide isn’t the same as a natural death or even an accident; nobody should never compare your grief to someone else’s.

It’s been just shy of 3 months without my baby sister. I made it through the week after, surrounded by my siblings who flew in to spend the week together in our childhood home. I made it through the funeral a month later, soaked tissues and all.
And suddenly, a bad dream a few nights ago has thrown me back into the thick of it. I’m stuck at work behind a desk and I’m falling apart again.

I miss you so much Alyssa. My baby. I was only a month older than you but you were my darling. My animal lover, my free spirit. You cared so deeply for every living thing, and I’ll never fault you for caring too much. Though it was your big heart and guilty conscience that made you feel like you couldn’t be here anymore.

I collected your things. I wear your shoes, your jewelry. Your trinkets line my shelves and hang on my walls. Your handwriting is inked into my skin. Its not enough.

Please lend me some strength. I know it will get better- it has to. But I’ve been so weak lately. I pray you visit me again in my dreams.

My brother, a deeply loved and respected neuropsychologist at UCLA, died by suicide at the age of 39. He had recently earned his doctorate and was at the beginning of what promised to be a brilliant and impactful career. His work was more than a profession—it was his calling. A passionate advocate for mental health, he dedicated his life to helping others heal and thrive. His sudden passing has left our family in profound grief and with many unanswered questions about the circumstances that led to this tragedy. He was not only a scholar and clinician but a compassionate force in the lives of his patients, colleagues, and loved ones.

I can’t believe it’s almost been 9 months since my brother left us. I’m graduating college next week and I wish he was here to celebrate with me like we did for him last year.

I just miss you John and I just think about that night and how you didn’t want anyone to know. It pains me that I was just getting ready for my first day of senior year and had no idea what you were going through. I’m sorry you had to keep it all to yourself for so long. I just wish we could listen to music and watch funny movies again. I hope it gets better. My heart is shattered.

Love,
ur sister forever <3

You have always been there for me ever since we were little and our parents abandoned us. You were only 7, three years older than me and was making sure I was fed, dressed, and we made it to school on time. I know your teenage years were rough on you but you didn’t have to leave at 16. You never could live by other people’s rules. When I was 27 and living out of my car, you offered me a place to live that wasn’t even yours and made it happen! I have not forgotten the lessons you gave me on how to take care of myself.

Mom’s husband found your body on Sunday. I’ve not been able to even think right since. I wished you had just left the alcohol alone – maybe you wouldn’t even have gotten divorced. I told you I’d help you. I was there for 2 of the hospitalizations when you told me “You don’t really love me.” I gave you an ultimatum of if you kept drinking, I wouldn’t talk to you. I didn’t talk to you for 5 months only to receive a call from mom saying, “come quick, your brother’s dead!”

You have always been there for me, I feel like I can’t say the same. You needed me and I couldn’t do for you what you did for me. You were hardened and bitter and wanted things your way only. I’m sorry Chris. I hurt so much.

I lost my oldest sister to suicide on October 5th 2023. I miss her everyday and struggle with the fact that she is no longer with us. I never expected her to do something like that. She was usually a happy person, someone I always wanted to be like. I wish I would’ve let her know that. She had reached out to my mother but I feel so bad that she didn’t feel comfortable enough to try and reach out to me. I know she had some health issues and her and her husband of 25+ years were separated, but she appeared to have moved on. I wish I would’ve made more time for my sister. I plan on getting counseling to help navigate this as I feel I’m not handling it right. I encourage anyone who feels similar to get some help as this has been the most difficult loss I’ve ever experienced.

If it was it was 14 years it could have been yesterday – I lost my shield, my protector, my big brother. It’s been said that when you laugh the world laughs with you and when you cry, you cry alone. With all all the turmoil and challenges my life present before me, I never cried alone because my big brother was there.