December 17, 2017… the day my brother R.W “Dub committed suicide. He was 38, I am 34. He was my favorite person, my favorite Marine, I looked up to him in so mamy ways and feel like part of me died with him that day. I cry everyday even when I don’t realize that I’m crying tears flow down my cheeks. I pick up my phone and text him because …. I really don’t know why. I’ve tried so bard to put on a brave face for my parents, my Kids and my husband but i juat cry. Im unsure how go throughout my life when he should be here, he was teaching my about facial hair because my son so wanted to grow a magnificent Beard like uncle Dub. He was teaching my 4 year old How to write his name Via video chat…. She doesn’t understand why he didn’t take his phone. We had plans, See he’s gonna be a daddy next month and we were going to go to D.C. before the baby arrived. I feel so many things, I’m hurt mad, I’m heartbroken, I’m glad he’s no longer fighting the inner demons we didn’t know he had. I’m hopeful that he’s found peace but all at the sametime I feel like I’ll never be whole again. I talked with him Just hours before he took his life and had no idea he was feeling this way. I feel guilty for not knowing, for not being there for him, for letting him feel so alone and depressed that he felt this is what was best. I know as a FR Marine he has seen and done so many unimaginable things that the PTSD was far to much. But my heart is broken because I need him. See pur Dad has ALS and is terminal…. He was supposed to be here to stand by my side when our dad passes. I feel alone. He was my bad ass Marine big brother and always knew what to do… How do I pick up the pieces of what’s left of my heart and carry on? It’s been 3 months and I feel like I cry subconsciously… 24-7. Everything reminds me of him ,but why wouldnt it he has always been a major roll in my life. A daily call or text, seen something he’d like…. He was my Dub and now he’s gone.
Reading over some of the post here I see that this pain may never subside. I’m not 100 % sure what I was looking for but write this down may help so why not vent and put it into word where no one pity’s me or judges me. Thank you for any thoughts or prayers youcould send my way!