Well Baby Brother, Im having a shitty day today. Havent had one in a while but today hit me like a freight train. We went to the house this weekend to clean out more personal stuff before the auction. It was sooo hard to see the boxes of pictures you had stored with us a kids. This is what breaks my heart the most. Seeing these frozen memories. I will put them away in a box forever. I breaks my heart to see you as a kid and know what you did 30+ years later. All those memories I just want to shut in a closet. Im tired of dealing with your estate alone. Mom wants to hoard all of your stuff. Dad wants to avoid the situation. We argue about it. You have no idea what you did to this family. (here is the anger) Im so pissed at you for doing this. Leaving me with all this shit to take care of. The stress is unbelievable. You know we would have supported you with the cancer but WTF…..seriously, shooting yourself?!?!?!?!? Im so tired of the nightmares. Im tired of not being happy. Im tired of being alone, but I guess I always will be. Now Im an only child and when the P’rents are gone…ill be completely alone. Yeah I have a husband and kid but I dont share childhood memories with them, do I!?!?! I just need to get the estate taken care of and let the real healing begin. I cant keep going back to your house and thinking of all the memories. It takes me weeks to get back on my feet after dealing with things. I keep asking why…..why…..why. You took a piece of my heart which will never heal. I will never completely heal. This wears me down. I love you and miss you so very much.
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