My brother committed suicide

Ok January 10 I got the call that forever changed me. My 27 year old brother hung himself. I feel so lost. He was so funny And I love him so much. Some days I’m ok and other days the hole is just immensely unbearable. I just want him back. I feel like everyone else has just moved on and it’s hard to relate with them. No one knows how much I hurt and cry. Even my husband. I definitely feel isolated. The longing to have him back is an almost tangible aching in my chest. I stumbled on this site and thought I would try reaching out.

70 thoughts on “My brother committed suicide

  1. Both of my brothers killed them selves. One jumped off a bridge and the other hung himself. When I read your words it was the first time I’ve seen my own feelings in print. I have the oddest sensation running through me right now.

    1. My brother hung himself too but losing two must be unbearable Julie. my brother John thought he was a burden on us because of his drug addictions.

      My family has never been the same since.

      1. Hi my brother took his life by hanging on 1/1/17, he was 41, twelve years younger than me. He also said he was a burden in his letters he left. He was a habitual Cannabis user from age thirteen and also took class A drugs occasionally at parties. He was on a split from his g/friend that he didn’t want. He left a Nineteen year old daughter with out a dad.He was the youngest of six children. Since its happened my family are heart broken and never been the same again.
        I have been told by his daughter that it’s effected me the worst out of all his Siblings. I do struggle every day as I miss his larger than life personality ?x

    2. Both of my brothers have passed by suicide also it’s not an easy spot to be I don’t care how many years it is

      1. My dad hung himself around 2 years ago from today, I’m 3o and my brother was 34 we were really close and also close with my dad. I remember my brother making a promise to each other we would never go out like our dad did right after they buried my dad we was both lost and had lots of question about why he would do it. Any ways about 6 months ago my mom called me screaming your brother shot himself in her back yard. I immediately left work racing to get their bit – as I was pulling in the ambulance was leaving slow with his lights off. That’s when it hit me my brother broke our promise. After I got there he was in the back yard dead. My one and only brother. The pain never goes away – sometimes I wish I was gone too but every morning I get up go to work consistently thinking about him and my dad. And ready to give up. But I see my 9 and 13 daughters and they keep me going . Thanks to everyone who read this. I had to get it off my chest .

  2. Right there with you. So sorry for your loss. I threw up on myself just after his service. Still am physically ill when I can’t get my head around his suicide.

    Love to you and yours

  3. My brother was 53 and he hung himself on 31st Jan 2017. At first, the shock kept the pain away now I have days where the pain is so raw and I can’t stop crying which is unusual as for years I have had no emotions due to other family traumas. (I switched off). I sometimes now have dark thoughts myself and struggle to keep these thoughts at bay just now. Keep wondering why, why, why?? I want my brother back too and felt shocked and hurt that he would leave me here alone. I sometimes feel my heart has literally broken.

      1. I don’t want that thought of a bullet in his head to be heart and mind. It’s been years and it is still painful.

    1. I am so sorry. My brother shot himself on November 20, 2019. Me and my husband’s 23 year anniversary. I got the call at work your brother has shot himself. I immediately lost it screaming, crying. This has torn me apart literally. I miss him so much and just want to see him again. We were close, 3 years apart, he was my best friend. This came as a shock to my family. No signs no nothing of this ever happening. I have reached out to a counselor – I know I need help. I have 3 children as well as 2 beautiful grandchildren. My brother left behind 2 small children and a 21 year old son. I am lost, scared, confused. I want answers, but I know I will never get them. My prayers are with each and every one of us going through this and believe me I understand exactly what you’re going through.

      1. It is the craziest thing in the world. It makes your entire view of the world change, doesn’t it? It changes the world in one instant. All that you knew and thought you could count on. .. we were only 21 months apart, my older brother and I. It helps a miniscule bit to think this could have been an accident, and that we will not know until we ask them personally. But what it has done to my family, to all of us.. even to the 5 month old baby cousin who was there at the funeral! I doubt any of us would ever imagine a 5 month old, who had never met his older cousin, being so effected, but it shows you the absolute crazy wrong horror of it all. It’s unimaginable. I lost my mother only two days after my brother, and was told about them both in one split instant, on the same day.

    2. My brother committed suicide by hanging six months ago, he was my only sibling. I totally identify with the pain. I ask why and feel guilty as well. If only they knew how much pain they would leave there family in, they would never do this. I pray for all of us who are experiencing this nightmare. I pray for peace and acceptance. We must try to go on for them. I get through it by reminding myself that I will be with him again one day. They are with us in spirit everyday and I am sure are trying to guide us. We can’t see them but i know I feel him. God bless everyone♥

      1. My brother hanged himself in May this year. 5 hours more or less after I’d left his house. He put a rope over the beam I’d been sitting under with him in his back yard. It was the first time I’ been to his house for months and we even socially distanced. We were drinking coffee as we talked about going for a walk over the Beacons after lock-down. It is surreal. The pain at times is blinding. I feel guilty for not spotting it. I’d never seen my father cry until this and I am struggling as I have to go back to school to teach soon.

  4. I am so very sorry that you are experiencing the devastating and life changing loss of your brother. I lost my younger brother 7 months ago.

    Yes, the loss is “immensely unbearable”, if not worse. It is all consuming. Even on the “OK Days” the dark shadow of my brother’s suicide is always close by.

    Try not be resentful over the isolation. How would anyone that has not experienced this horrific, reality tearing event have the remotest clue or understanding? There is simply no possible way for anyone to know or understand fully without having the same experience. It is like trying to explain living on Jupiter… Ya just can’t do it. There are no words.

    My sincerest advice, seek out a good grief therapist if you have not already. If you find one and it doesn’t help, find another one. Don’t stop looking until you find someone that is good for you. That is the only thing that has helped me move forward in a healthy way. I am a 48 year old guy and not a “talker” and not a “therapist person” but… best decision I have made in a very, very long time.

    My second piece of advice, when you are ready, is to find a Suicide Survivor group in your area. Its not pleasant to be honest, but it does help you to understand that you are not crazy nor are you alone. I attend once per month. I don’t say a lot, just listen. It helps.

    Hang in there… We are all pulling for you.

    1. Thank you for your post. It’s been 6 years since my then 26 year old brother hung himself. I never sought help…I’ve kept myself beyond busy as a distraction. We were really close and I was very involved in seeking help for him…I’ve avoided support groups because of my anxiety, but today was such a difficult day for me…that I know it’s time for counseling and a support group. I can’t try to do this alone anymore.

    2. You are so, so right in your description. No one has a clue unless they experienced this. It would be like trying to explain life on another planet to someone who has not experienced this. Thank you for the description.

  5. So sad that this happened to all of us. We need to remember good memories. That is how I can keep on going on.

  6. my brother just killed himself today. i don’t know how to feel. he was only 21, in his fourth year of uni, just asked my parents for help yesterday. poor him. i can’t begin to wonder what he was going through. i love him so much.

    1. Reading this is so surreal and mind blowing that I just feel deep deep sadness that will last forever.

      But reading this is exactly the emptiness I felt on 01/11/18 the day my brother hug himself and passed on from this earth to something greater. He was 28 yrs old I remember that day like it was right this second and just saying how much I loved him….I read yours and literally was sitting in that very moment all over again…so much sadness

      1. I lost my brother the same way on April 18, 2018 – just a few days ago. He was only 14 years old. This pain just doesn’t feel like it goes away but I know he will be with me forever. I love him so much and I just hope this blur of emotions will turn into strength.

        1. I so feel your pain, just one day later on the 19th April I lost my younger brother I never felt pain like it my heart is broken

          1. 19 April was the worst day for my family too. My 25 year old brother hanged himself alone in his home. He had reached out to so many people that day and evening, family members as well as friends. And nobody was available apparently. I feel so sad for him. He must have felt so utterly alone. When I think about how he must have been feeling, the enormity of it becomes overwhelming and I can’t handle it. Same when I remember he will never be anywhere again or do anything again. I can’t handle the finality of it.
            It breaks my heart that so many others felt the same way as my brother. The families they left will never be the same again.

          2. Same with my brother. He was 600 miles away from us. I too feel the way you do. I can’t seem to put it to rest or slow my brain to form the simplest of thoughts. I’ve walked the floors every night since April because I can’t sleep. It’s quite a lonely feeling, isn’t it?

          3. I’ve just burst into tears, my little brother committed suicide April 19th 2018 too… your words resonate with me, my little brother bear was the love of my life… it is earth shattering. Absolute heart break

          4. I lost my brother on the 19 of November. I spoke to him a few days before that. he jumped in front of a train. I still can’t believe that he would have done that. I miss him so much xx

        2. On April 5th, 2019 around 6:30 am I woke up to 2 missed calls from my brother earlier that day around 12:30 am. I walk out to my kitchen to hear the news that my brother has hung himself. I was with him every day for the past year working with him and he thought me everything I know. I’ve stayed strong for my family but the feeling inside seems to only get worse. I can’t get him out of my head. I can’t stop thinking about how things would be if I would have just answered his call. I am lost. I feel like I will never be able to sleep again. I’m being consumed by it and I’m scared of never being able to feel okay again.

        3. Wow, I know how you feel. My 15 year old brother purposefully overdosed on 10/17/2023, he wrote down he was better off in another world…. we were so so close and did everything together. The pain, loneliness and emptiness is so hard right now. There are no words to say other than keep trying, for him.

    2. My 21 year old sister jumped off a bridge September 2020. Also was about to graduate. She was doing so well, but felt like a constant failure and didn’t know what she was going to do when she grew up due to her intense social anxiety. She didn’t write a good bye but her journals gave us a peek into her life of pain. One of my close friends became sucidal after that, he gave a real life perspective on what she went through. I’m glad I could help him but god I cant help but think sometimes I could save a friend and not my sister…

  7. Please help me understand. My brother 43 just days after his birthday he Hung himself at home after a huge argument with his wife. He was suffering with depression and anxiety but point blank refused help. Said he wanted to deal with it his own way. He was a successful business man up until the last two years he was losing everything he worked so hard for. He left behind 3 gorgeous children too. I can’t accept any of what he did or why, how much pain he must of been suffering but never showed. Always preaches never give up on your dreams no matter how hard it gets my anxiety is through the roof, I can’t eat or sleep I’m constantly scared have images of him there doing it alone I feel like I’m falling apart inside I’m so broken. My sister died in 2012 which tore me apart. My mother suffered with severe depression but we saved her why wouldn’t he let us save him

    1. Katie, omg your words are so true with what I’m going through right now. My brother shot himself on November 20,2019. Very successful in his life, always preaching about wanting more. Was never selfish, would give you the shirt off his back. He was a good man. Got with this girl that was toxic for him, started losing everything no phone, no job, no money, pretty much nothing. Called his ex-wife the night before he wanted to take his boys to school the next morning. Well he did, then got in a heated argument with his new wife, walked out in the back yard and shot himself. It’s awful – God I ask why all day everyday. My prayers are with you.

  8. My 32 year old brother, the youngest of four boys, committed suicide by hanging himself from the inside of the living room door on March 24 (Just 5 days ago). We just had his wake today and the memorial service is tomorrow. I’m in shock, just like the rest of my family. My mom came home after being gone for two days from babysitting for another brother while he and his wife were out of town for a wedding and found him. I can’t even imagine the horror that she felt.

    He was depressed for the past few years but we never realized how depressed he was. He reheated some food at 2 or 3 a.m. (we are guessing), had his Facebook messenger open on the computer and was texting with his girlfriend of 8 years until just shortly after three when he stopped replying to her messenges. They were making plans to hang out the next evening. He had even made plans with other friends to keep busy over the next few days too. The lights were on, the television was on, everytging looked normal. Then for some reason, he hung himself to death.

    We just can’t wrap our heads around it. Why would he do this?? Why would he just go about his life as if everything was fine and just suddenly end it? What was he feeling?

    I went to the house two days later with my mom to pick out some clothes for him to wear in the casket, then I just sat there leaning against the door where he died…for ten minutes, looking at the living room and all of the pictures of his nieces and nephews…those were the last things he ever saw in his life. I don’t know how he could do that while looking at pictures of his living family hanging on the wall right across from him. Just doesn’t make sense.

    Talking to his friends at his wake, he was so loved by so many people and left such a great impression on their lives. They are all just as stunned as we are.

    My heart hurts missing my baby brother. He and I were the closest of the four of me and my brothers. I can’t imagine this pain getting better.

      1. Thank you. Sara. Still hurts. We just put his ashes into the Atlantic ocean, which is what he wanted done with his cremated remains whenever he died. Our whole family went to do it. Very tough weekend for all of us.

        I assume you are dealing with something similar. I’m also sending love to you with the hope that it helps, even a little bit.

    1. James,
      I’m so sorry for your loss. My brother committed suicide by hanging 8/20/18 and left behind his five children. My heart is broken and so many questions. I lost my youngest brother in 1995 (illness), my second brother in 2013 (illness) and now this brother, my last sibling. His wife had left him and they were battling over custody. I know he had been depressed but didn’t want to get help. He felt his life was falling apart and it was for the moment because of the separation and ongoing divorce, custody battle. As I sit here, my heart is broken…so broken. I am so sorry for your loss. I pray you and your family can find peace and comfort in your memories with your brother.

  9. Hi there. My brother jumped from a roof 6 years ago; he was 32. For some reason I keep trying to reach out, like all of you, as I see.
    Let me tell you the first week was unreal. I didn’t even know whether I was alive. I dreamed for months that it wasn’t true, and then woke up, and broke into tears. Then three months later that feeling got a little better: I knew I was alive but still, I felt a black cloud over my head. Real darkness. I thought I would never get my life back. But I have. I promise things WILL get better.

    It took me 3 years; until one day I dreamed he was well, reading under the sun. Ever since that day I dream I hug him and I tell him I miss him. =)

    I’ve suffered another loss, my husband and I separated 2 years ago and we’re both still in pain for this. So, this makes everything worse, because I’ve lost 2 essential people in my life. When I had my husband I had his support, now I don’t have my brother to help me with my husband’s loss…

    I always knew there was something wrong with my brother; he was older than me, I’m the youngest. I know for sure that if he did this it’s because the pain was too much. So, you don’t want your brother suffering that kind of pain.

    Be extremely patient and things will definitely get a little better with time… thinking of them keeps them alive.

    1. I like this; it’s been three months for me since my sister committed suicide. I think about her in the same way you do your brother. I dream I hug her and tell her I miss her. This to me is how she would want me to act, and I would want her to act this way if it were me who committed suicide. I just think it’s the truth! Thanks for sharing.

  10. I am heartbroken. On March 13, 2018 my brother shot himself. He was not only my brother, he was one of my best friends. He would have turned 40 in June. I am devastated. Everything has just been so strange. The anxiety took his life. It wasn’t him, it was the illness!

    1. My little brother also jumped from my mother’s house on 20. MAY. He was 39 years old. I still cannot believe why despite his Shizophrenia he seemed to be getting better he would do this . I feel guilty of not having tried to.understand and supported him better. But I’m sure as being not just your brother but also best friend he knows how much you loved him and is smiling at you because now his pains have disappeared and he’s all healthy now and at peace.

  11. My 36 yr old brother hung himself 19th January 2018. I can’t believe it still – My family are so devastated and I can’t see us being the family we were once more. My poor dad found my brother at his place of work – mum’s distraught – how are they ever going to recover from this.

  12. My brother died from a gun shot to the head. I had to take 3 years of leave from work as I cried every day for the first 3 years after his death. Then I lost my dad in the same way. Our family has fallen apart. I miss them both every day. I just hope they have found the peace they deserve. The pain does get better but it takes a long long time. Love and light to everyone going through this grief.

  13. Tomorrow i am burying my brother john 58 years old who took his life by hanging .. hes been desprate for so many years and last straw was 2 months ago when mental health released him ..telling him there was nothing more they could do .
    there are no words to describe how im feeling im truely heart broken

  14. Wow I can’t believe so much people are going through what I am going through. My brother hung himself 2 years ago at age of 30 after developing skitzophrenea. I was 25 at the time… I became the biggest liqour abuser I have ever known and it’s only gotten worst . It effected my family, my kid, my relationship, my sex life and sunk me way deeper into depression. I have dreams of my brothers panic attacks. Him telling me I stole his stuff or was after him to attack or kill him. It’s really really hard everyday. What makes it worse is my brother’s good friends 1 over overdosed died 6 months later and other one hung himself same way. But that is my side of the story. My condolences and my sorry to everyone going thru what I’m dealing with. Fortunately I am becoming stronger and aware of my depression. Unfortunately I am there taking care of a mother always weeping which is a reminder at all times. And that I can’t make my own mother proud or happy. Hope everyone comes together and shares there thoughts and thanks for me letting this out . If anyone needs to talk to someone I am here and will give email or Facebook . God bless all of you!

  15. My younger brother hung himself May 28,2018. I am so lost because of the circumstances we cannot have memorial until July 7 ,2018. God give me the strength to stand tall and deliver his Eulogy. The way he deserves it to be done.

  16. I came on this site looking for some sort of comfort. It has been one month since my brother passed away with only 28 years of life. I feel paralyzed and sick to death every time i think of his passing. Sometimes i’m ok but even then there is a dark shadow glooming over me. Other times I fall into extreme sadness and guilt, that this was something I could and should have prevented unlike an incurable disease.

    The thought that he is no longer physically present in this world is too unbearable to imagine. Most times when i’m ok is when I think he’s still alive and I just wont ever see him. Although that idea in itself is also painful.

    My small family has been shattered and will never be the same. A piece of all of us died along with him. I cant help but think how did this happen to MY family? How and why did this have to happen to us? Useless questions.

    There is NO consolation for this. Meanwhile, life moves on and expects you to move along as-well. I cant imagine ever being normal again. No amount of time will mend this heart of ours.

  17. Wouldn’t it b great t hv faith an believe u will see ur loved one again. I don’t know. I hv my doubts. Once ur gone its keputs

  18. My 26 year old brother shot himself last week. I was in shock the first few days after the phone call and felt i had to fly out to his final living place. It’s the most vacant feeling. At first it felt like I was walking on top of bare blacktop, alone. I felt isolated and estranged during conversation. I’m beginning to find the weeds between the cracks a few with dandilions. But when i am alone i still feel vacant.

  19. I understand the pain. I had tried to help my little brother for years. So many times I could feel his pain and he pulled himself out of heroin use at age 17. He got a really good job and his own apartment. Almost exactly 1 year ago , August 2nd,2017 he committed suicide. He had been living with me after getting in a fight with his girlfriend. I was in such disbelief, I could barely walk or eat. My whole world was spinning and numb. I had to take charge of his funeral for my parents. My dad got up on a ladder a few days later but my uncle was able to talk him down. I’m now in the position of being the mental and physical stability for my family. I am married and my husband is supportive but our relationship was already on the edge before my brothers suicide. I know God has always been there for me and gotten me through a lot but I’m to the point of questioning everything. It’s 1 year later and it’s finally hitting me that my brother is actually gone. His hamper of clothes is still in the same spot when he was here. Thank you for sharing your stories. No one can understand this struggle and the pain unless it has happened to you.

  20. My younger brother shot himself last Monday, July 23rd 2018. He was only 19 years old. I’m 21, my younger brother (18) and step sister (18) and I are clinging to each other. My mother is devastated- her and her fiancée had just broken up two months ago and she’s all alone… my dad is the one who found my brother and he feels so guilty.. every time I think about what he had to see my throat clenches up and my eyes fill with tears. I still feel like I’m in shock a little bit, half expecting him to show up. I can feel him next to me, in my peripherals but I just can’t quite see him. He felt like he had fucked up too many times and that his life wasn’t going to amount to anything but he was so wrong. I miss him so much and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. I had already been seeing a counselor and I have an appointment with her today and I’m going to have to tell her what happened.. I know it’s gonna suck but it’s also going to help. I just feel so lost, confused, hurt, and sad

  21. I just found out two days ago that my sweet sweet brother hanged himself. He was 42. My only sibling. I’m devastated

  22. My older brother was found dead only a few weeks ago. We had no idea. Everyone feels so guilty. It was such a shock. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a dream although wide awake and if I try really hard to wake up I can take it back. I still can’t believe it and now I worry everyone in the family will do the same as they can’t cope with the grief and the guilt. I’m scared of life now. At knowing none of us will ever get over it. I just hope we can all find a way to live alongside it.

  23. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since my little brother jumped out of a window in his block from the 5th floor. He was 21 short to 22 with 2 weeks. He was living alone but my bigger sister and brother were living in the same city. We found him Monday 3rd of sept. His birthday was this week and because of the circumstances we will be able to have his funeral only the day after tomorrow. As a child he spent most of his time with me , and i feel so guilty knowing that smtg that i teached him led him to think that he has no other choice then this. He recently found a girlfriend , everyones guard was off , we all thought he is OK. He also had drug use problems we did not know fully, i should have known. I dont cry all day but i wish i could. On the day of his birthday he and his friends had a place where they gathered on the river side in our home town, went there and lit up 22 candles . I am still not sure if he was 21 or 22 since he is not barried. I wish i could say 22. He was so smart and was the only one i could have the wierd talks. He was so open minded and he used to say about himself that he is a philosofer and he should be paied for this. I agreed! I will never accept this , he was my little brother and i couldnt take care of him . Most of my regrets are for the things he never got to do , like seeing the see. We used to be 4 now we are 3 left its the worst thought, i wish nobody would understand how hard such a simple thing hurts.

  24. My brother, my best friend in the world who I loved with all my heart, who has been there for me my entire life hung himself on Sept. 25th at the age of 58. We didn’t have a very good childhood, not having a father in our lives affected him deeply, and for me he was always the man I looked up to, idolized and cherished. He was my saving grace and confidant and someone who never judged me. I am beyond devastated , can’t really eat and can’t barely stand. I have two children, 18 and 15 who I know I need to be strong for and I pray to God in time I will find that strength. Somehow I found this site and I think it is helpful to read about other people who have experienced this horror because unless you have, I feel it would be hard to understand the gravity of the loss. For me it’s the way he died. If it were natural causes or an accident, I feel I could deal better. But, this is just so horrific, and the pain is so wrenching that it’s different, it just is. I hope we, the siblings left, all find strength and go on to live happy and fulfilled lives. This is my prayer for us all.

  25. I am sorry for our collective losses..worst pain I’ve ever felt. I lost my brother to a self inflicted gunshot wound 2 years ago on July 11, 2016. The day before our mothers birthday. He left 2 beautiful boys now 9 and 6. As a family we haven’t, and will Never be the same. He was so much more than our oldest brother. My parents both worked a lot my father at a prison 3rd shift and my mother as a nurse. After a time he basically raised us. He showed me so many things growing up I don’t have space to explain it all. His influence in me is so great, his fingerprints are all over the man I’ve become. The movies and music I love come from him, my love of football, I’m a huge fan of the Oakland raiders bc of him. Bo Jackson was/is my favorite player/athlete bc of him…my first born son 5yrs old is named after him. My sense of humor the list goes on. He was like a father to myself and 2 younger siblings. His friends where my friends and vice versa. He would do anything for us. From bringing us to work or friends houses to girlfriends houses. He would defend us to anyone. He was our biggest fan. Nobody could make me laugh as hard as he could. Nobody could make me feel as good about myself as he could. He always picked me first in backyard sports (namely football) but he made a point to involve everyone so they wouldn’t feel left out. He had a way about him that made us feel welcome and wanted and cared for. No amount of words can express how deeply wounded I feel . No amount of time will ever lessen the feeling of loss, guilt, pain, anger etc. Some days are ok. Most days I cant not think about him. Not so much about what he did and what it has caused, instead I’m left thinking about what we won’t do. Like watch our kids grow up and eventually teach them about relationships and what makes a man a man. No more holidays birthdays or the miscellaneous days in between . It’s a loss I will never get over. I am sad and feel broken every day. But as a father and husband I have to push on for my family. I cannot and will not let his action destroy who I am and what I am responsible for. I miss him terribly everyday of my life and will until I take my last breath and beyond. We must stay strong for us and for thier memory. Don’t let go of the good they brought bc that will never change. Frankie I love you.

  26. My mum died at 67 in Feb 2017, my big brother took it hardest. He used cannabis heavily and I suspect other things too. We had a fall out a few weeks after we buried mum. I felt I couldn’t deal with his anger, so we didn’t see each other for a year. I was planning to visit him when I got the news from my aunt that he had hanged himself in june 2018.He was 43. Because I left him. We only had each other after mum died. My world is fractured. The physical pain is real. Life will never be the same.

  27. My Baby Brother hanged himself in my mom’s garage 2 weeks ago after developing schizophrenia, he was 41 years old. My other brother froze to death 11 months earlier and my mom found him also. I don’t understand how my brother could have done this knowing my mother would find him but I know he was not himself and hadn’t been for the last six months no amount of talking to him could get him to get help he just thought we were all against him and wouldn’t believe the voices weren’t real and the things he was seeing weren’t real. I don’t know how to feel because my emotions are all over the place, sad one moment and angry the next. All my mom has left is me and she’s scared to death something is going to happen to me. I lost my husband a year-and-a-half ago and then my brother and now my baby brother and this is all too much, my family is shattered. I feel like I’m constantly looking over my shoulder as to what’s next and I’m tired of going to funerals.

  28. My brother jumped from beachy head 2 years ago. Still can’t get my head round it. Think about him everyday.

  29. My brother committed suicide almost 29 years ago and I still think about and grieve his loss every day. He had brain damage when he was born as his umbilical cord was around his neck and the doctors told my parents he would never read or write. What he never did was give us and he learned to read and write and graduated from high school. He was my favorite person as what he never did was give up. He’s the reason I pursued a degree and career in special education so I could work with people like him every day. I will always miss him.

  30. My Brother decided to end his life 8 years ago. It was the only choice he thought he had. I will after 8 years go and say good bye to him. I will not b in shock any more and I need that. I choose to say he made a unimaginable choice he was in perpetual pain. I know he is with me. He Left messages to let us know he loved us. He knew it was going to hurt us but he also knew I’d b ok.
    I miss him and think about him every day. I love you 💙💗Forever my Guardian angel
    I know I will see him again but until then I have work to do here.

  31. Lost my brother March 31 2019 he hung himself. I believe I was in shock for the first 2 months and at night just couldn’t get the thought of it out of mind. June 8 woke up as I had a panick attack. Since then I just haven’t been the same. The pain really is like no other pain I have ever experienced. Felt like I wanted to take my life instead of endure the pain. Only hope is that eventually will start to feel better. It definitely helps to read posts and know that I’m not alone in what I’m experiencing.

  32. It’s crazy to read all these stories.. I never knew what pain meant until I lost my brother. He hanged himself in the garage on a Saturday night, March 2nd.

    He was going through immense depression at such a young age of 17. Was very active in the community, aspiring robotics engineer, on the school football team, volunteered at elementary schools to teach young kids, huge support system, ran a few car shows for charity.. even with all of this he was never happy.

    He faced a severe battle with his inner demons and it still kills me today that I couldn’t recognize that he was going through all of this and just kept it to himself. I really do wish all of you take that same pain of losing someone and turning it into something beautiful.

    To help myself and my family move on from this tragic incident we started a foundation to help others going through what my brother faced – Varmans Smile Foundation.

  33. My brother shot himself in the head with a shotgun in his backyard 3 weeks ago. Happiest guy ever with a great family. Scared to death of doctors. Was diagnosed with leukemia on Friday, shot himself Monday. Never even went back to the doctor after blood work. His daughter found him. I never even knew he was sick. He told his wife not to tell anyone. He had told me for years (after seeing both our parents suffer horribly from cancer) that if he ever got cancer he would shoot himself. He had a huge gun collection(he was a hunter and collected). If I only knew he was diagnosed I could maybe have got the guns out of the house? I have not been able to sleep or eat since. I am physically sick over it and cannot stop imagining the terror he must have felt in his last moments.

  34. my brother 26 years hung himself on 5th may 2021. i left for an interview with my mother and left him alone for 2 hours max i came back home called him out was looking for him couldn’t feel him in his room. then i found him in the other room. he killed himself. i love him so much. i miss him so much he was my best friend. he suffered from schizophrenia. i just want him. i feel so lost. we are only 1 yr and 3 months apart so i’ve spent all my childhood with him. i can’t stop seeing what i saw. have so much of stress. it haunts me thinking what he must have felt to lead him to this. how terribly alone. i question myself somedays was i a good sister. couldn’t even help him fight his demons.

    1. My brother shot himself in the head five weeks ago on May 21st, when I was at our house with my boyfriend, his best friend of nine years. I heard the shot, called the police, and did CPR but he died on his way to the hospital. He was 10 years older than me, he taught me so much, gave me so much, lived with me my whole life, brought me coffee in the morning. Six weeks ago I knew how much my brother loved me and now I’m struggling to not feel like he wanted to put me through watching him die. We told each other all the time how much we loved each other, talked about the future, but he got wasted, took a bunch of pills, and left me behind. Sometimes I wonder why he didn’t want to take me with him. Remember that people don’t decide to take their own lives in their right mind, something must have messed him up really badly. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time and what he did in a f****d up state doesn’t mean you weren’t a good sister. But, I understand, I feel like I failed my brother too. It’s like he made me fail him by making that decision and I’ll never know if he wanted to be saved or not. I miss him so much, it’s like he took the rest of my life with him. I’m so sorry, Dee.

  35. I lost my 41 year old brother last Saturday 1/6/2024, he took his life after taking his wife’s life. The had 3 kids ages 18,16 & 11. He was a meth addiction, we would stop for a few months and then use again. Drug use, financial problems and not feeling good enough drive him to murder/suicide. I was told by the kids that he always talk about his death, he had already chosen what he wanted to wear the day of his viewing , unfortunately he didn’t get the help he needed called ignorance. I’m so hurt because I was so fed up with his drug use that I stop talking to him for almost 2 years, He called me two days before the tragedy but I never told him I love you or offer help. I’m struggling a lot with my emotions, I feel pain and greave but I’m also ashamed for what he did. It hurts so much, I loved my brother and his wife.

    1. Cristina~I am so sorry. Unfortunately, I am learning that guilt comes with losing a sibling. I lost my only sibling to suicide on February 25, 2024. The call from my mother and my father in the background and it all seems like a nightmarish blur. My little brother was 50 and I am 54. My brother shot himself and my father found him. My brother was having pain in his spine/back and he would tell me that he was in constant pain. I feel guilty that I didn’t take the time to help him find another doctor. I also understand that there is reduction of dopamine to the brain with someone who has suffered from addiction enough to damage receptors etc. and can cause deep depression. I’m trying to make sense of it all and that will likely never happen. I wanted to believe it was an accident and was in denial for several days. He was my little brother and I didn’t see the signs and protect him. His service is this weekend and I just want to run away somewhere and just hide and cry but I know I have to carry on.

  36. I lost my 23 year old big brother to suicide on March 18th. My parents couldn’t get into his room due and asked me to look through the little window in the porch connected to my room. I saw him hanging there, the reason they couldn’t get the door open was because the closet door was blocking it. I did not even think that he had hung himself I thought he was on drugs my dad told me that he did after he had came around the house and met me at the window. those memories replay in my mind 24/7 the thought that he took his life and him is constantly running through my head. My brother struggled with demons that were much bigger than any of us knew. He was the oldest of 5 siblings but he isolated himself in his room all the time, he never wanted to spend time with us. He left us no note and no explanation unless its on his laptop but we haven’t gotten into it. My mind wanders hoping it was an accident or maybe he took a drug and it caused him to do it. I wish I could talk to him and hug him one last time. The day before it all happened I could not help but notice how happy he seemed, he always had his down moods but that day he seemed in a great mood with a huge smile, he cleaned his room and even was playing his ukulele and singing a song. I wish I could understand more what he was going through and the impact it has had on my family and people that you wouldn’t even think of is tremendous. It hurts my soul and I find myself going in an out of being okay, sad, angry, and confused. I miss him.

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