My brother committed suicide

Ok January 10 I got the call that forever changed me. My 27 year old brother hung himself. I feel so lost. He was so funny And I love him so much. Some days I’m ok and other days the hole is just immensely unbearable. I just want him back. I feel like everyone else has just moved on and it’s hard to relate with them. No one knows how much I hurt and cry. Even my husband. I definitely feel isolated. The longing to have him back is an almost tangible aching in my chest. I stumbled on this site and thought I would try reaching out.

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40 Responses to My brother committed suicide

  1. Julie Ryder says:

    Both of my brothers killed them selves. One jumped off a bridge and the other hung himself. When I read your words it was the first time I’ve seen my own feelings in print. I have the oddest sensation running through me right now.

    • Frank Wotherspoon says:

      My brother hung himself too but losing two must be unbearable Julie. my brother John thought he was a burden on us because of his drug addictions.

      My family has never been the same since.

      • Tracey Stebbing says:

        Hi my brother took his life by hanging on 1/1/17, he was 41, twelve years younger than me. He also said he was a burden in his letters he left. He was a habitual Cannabis user from age thirteen and also took class A drugs occasionally at parties. He was on a split from his g/friend that he didn’t want. He left a Nineteen year old daughter with out a dad.He was the youngest of six children. Since its happened my family are heart broken and never been the same again.
        I have been told by his daughter that it’s effected me the worst out of all his Siblings. I do struggle every day as I miss his larger than life personality ?x

  2. Margaret Burns says:

    Right there with you. So sorry for your loss. I threw up on myself just after his service. Still am physically ill when I can’t get my head around his suicide.

    Love to you and yours

  3. Debbie McCabe says:

    My brother was 53 and he hung himself on 31st Jan 2017. At first, the shock kept the pain away now I have days where the pain is so raw and I can’t stop crying which is unusual as for years I have had no emotions due to other family traumas. (I switched off). I sometimes now have dark thoughts myself and struggle to keep these thoughts at bay just now. Keep wondering why, why, why?? I want my brother back too and felt shocked and hurt that he would leave me here alone. I sometimes feel my heart has literally broken.

  4. Paul says:

    I am so very sorry that you are experiencing the devastating and life changing loss of your brother. I lost my younger brother 7 months ago.

    Yes, the loss is “immensely unbearable”, if not worse. It is all consuming. Even on the “OK Days” the dark shadow of my brother’s suicide is always close by.

    Try not be resentful over the isolation. How would anyone that has not experienced this horrific, reality tearing event have the remotest clue or understanding? There is simply no possible way for anyone to know or understand fully without having the same experience. It is like trying to explain living on Jupiter… Ya just can’t do it. There are no words.

    My sincerest advice, seek out a good grief therapist if you have not already. If you find one and it doesn’t help, find another one. Don’t stop looking until you find someone that is good for you. That is the only thing that has helped me move forward in a healthy way. I am a 48 year old guy and not a “talker” and not a “therapist person” but… best decision I have made in a very, very long time.

    My second piece of advice, when you are ready, is to find a Suicide Survivor group in your area. Its not pleasant to be honest, but it does help you to understand that you are not crazy nor are you alone. I attend once per month. I don’t say a lot, just listen. It helps.

    Hang in there… We are all pulling for you.

    • Lashondra Newton says:

      Thank you for your post. It’s been 6 years since my then 26 year old brother hung himself. I never sought help…I’ve kept myself beyond busy as a distraction. We were really close and I was very involved in seeking help for him…I’ve avoided support groups because of my anxiety, but today was such a difficult day for me…that I know it’s time for counseling and a support group. I can’t try to do this alone anymore.

  5. Margaret Burns says:

    So sad that this happened to all of us. We need to remember good memories. That is how I can keep on going on.

  6. am says:

    my brother just killed himself today. i don’t know how to feel. he was only 21, in his fourth year of uni, just asked my parents for help yesterday. poor him. i can’t begin to wonder what he was going through. i love him so much.

    • Sean Berrios says:

      Reading this is so surreal and mind blowing that I just feel deep deep sadness that will last forever.

      But reading this is exactly the emptiness I felt on 01/11/18 the day my brother hug himself and passed on from this earth to something greater. He was 28 yrs old I remember that day like it was right this second and just saying how much I loved him….I read yours and literally was sitting in that very moment all over again…so much sadness

      • Edith says:

        I lost my brother the same way on April 18, 2018 – just a few days ago. He was only 14 years old. This pain just doesn’t feel like it goes away but I know he will be with me forever. I love him so much and I just hope this blur of emotions will turn into strength.

        • Sarah says:

          I so feel your pain, just one day later on the 19th April I lost my younger brother I never felt pain like it my heart is broken

          • Alice says:

            19 April was the worst day for my family too. My 25 year old brother hanged himself alone in his home. He had reached out to so many people that day and evening, family members as well as friends. And nobody was available apparently. I feel so sad for him. He must have felt so utterly alone. When I think about how he must have been feeling, the enormity of it becomes overwhelming and I can’t handle it. Same when I remember he will never be anywhere again or do anything again. I can’t handle the finality of it.
            It breaks my heart that so many others felt the same way as my brother. The families they left will never be the same again.

          • Stephanie says:

            Same with my brother. He was 600 miles away from us. I too feel the way you do. I can’t seem to put it to rest or slow my brain to form the simplest of thoughts. I’ve walked the floors every night since April because I can’t sleep. It’s quite a lonely feeling, isn’t it?

  7. Katie Payne says:

    Please help me understand. My brother 43 just days after his birthday he Hung himself at home after a huge argument with his wife. He was suffering with depression and anxiety but point blank refused help. Said he wanted to deal with it his own way. He was a successful business man up until the last two years he was losing everything he worked so hard for. He left behind 3 gorgeous children too. I can’t accept any of what he did or why, how much pain he must of been suffering but never showed. Always preaches never give up on your dreams no matter how hard it gets my anxiety is through the roof, I can’t eat or sleep I’m constantly scared have images of him there doing it alone I feel like I’m falling apart inside I’m so broken. My sister died in 2012 which tore me apart. My mother suffered with severe depression but we saved her why wouldn’t he let us save him

  8. James Pusateri says:

    My 32 year old brother, the youngest of four boys, committed suicide by hanging himself from the inside of the living room door on March 24 (Just 5 days ago). We just had his wake today and the memorial service is tomorrow. I’m in shock, just like the rest of my family. My mom came home after being gone for two days from babysitting for another brother while he and his wife were out of town for a wedding and found him. I can’t even imagine the horror that she felt.

    He was depressed for the past few years but we never realized how depressed he was. He reheated some food at 2 or 3 a.m. (we are guessing), had his Facebook messenger open on the computer and was texting with his girlfriend of 8 years until just shortly after three when he stopped replying to her messenges. They were making plans to hang out the next evening. He had even made plans with other friends to keep busy over the next few days too. The lights were on, the television was on, everytging looked normal. Then for some reason, he hung himself to death.

    We just can’t wrap our heads around it. Why would he do this?? Why would he just go about his life as if everything was fine and just suddenly end it? What was he feeling?

    I went to the house two days later with my mom to pick out some clothes for him to wear in the casket, then I just sat there leaning against the door where he died…for ten minutes, looking at the living room and all of the pictures of his nieces and nephews…those were the last things he ever saw in his life. I don’t know how he could do that while looking at pictures of his living family hanging on the wall right across from him. Just doesn’t make sense.

    Talking to his friends at his wake, he was so loved by so many people and left such a great impression on their lives. They are all just as stunned as we are.

    My heart hurts missing my baby brother. He and I were the closest of the four of me and my brothers. I can’t imagine this pain getting better.

    • Sarah says:

      Sending much love I have the same questions as you just don’t understand why

      • James Pusateri says:

        Thank you. Sara. Still hurts. We just put his ashes into the Atlantic ocean, which is what he wanted done with his cremated remains whenever he died. Our whole family went to do it. Very tough weekend for all of us.

        I assume you are dealing with something similar. I’m also sending love to you with the hope that it helps, even a little bit.

    • Theresa says:

      James,
      I’m so sorry for your loss. My brother committed suicide by hanging 8/20/18 and left behind his five children. My heart is broken and so many questions. I lost my youngest brother in 1995 (illness), my second brother in 2013 (illness) and now this brother, my last sibling. His wife had left him and they were battling over custody. I know he had been depressed but didn’t want to get help. He felt his life was falling apart and it was for the moment because of the separation and ongoing divorce, custody battle. As I sit here, my heart is broken…so broken. I am so sorry for your loss. I pray you and your family can find peace and comfort in your memories with your brother.

  9. ana says:

    Hi there. My brother jumped from a roof 6 years ago; he was 32. For some reason I keep trying to reach out, like all of you, as I see.
    Let me tell you the first week was unreal. I didn’t even know whether I was alive. I dreamed for months that it wasn’t true, and then woke up, and broke into tears. Then three months later that feeling got a little better: I knew I was alive but still, I felt a black cloud over my head. Real darkness. I thought I would never get my life back. But I have. I promise things WILL get better.

    It took me 3 years; until one day I dreamed he was well, reading under the sun. Ever since that day I dream I hug him and I tell him I miss him. =)

    I’ve suffered another loss, my husband and I separated 2 years ago and we’re both still in pain for this. So, this makes everything worse, because I’ve lost 2 essential people in my life. When I had my husband I had his support, now I don’t have my brother to help me with my husband’s loss…

    I always knew there was something wrong with my brother; he was older than me, I’m the youngest. I know for sure that if he did this it’s because the pain was too much. So, you don’t want your brother suffering that kind of pain.

    Be extremely patient and things will definitely get a little better with time… thinking of them keeps them alive.

  10. Tara Tatro says:

    I am heartbroken. On March 13, 2018 my brother shot himself. He was not only my brother, he was one of my best friends. He would have turned 40 in June. I am devastated. Everything has just been so strange. The anxiety took his life. It wasn’t him, it was the illness!

    • Andy says:

      My little brother also jumped from my mother’s house on 20. MAY. He was 39 years old. I still cannot believe why despite his Shizophrenia he seemed to be getting better he would do this . I feel guilty of not having tried to.understand and supported him better. But I’m sure as being not just your brother but also best friend he knows how much you loved him and is smiling at you because now his pains have disappeared and he’s all healthy now and at peace.

  11. Ann says:

    My 36 yr old brother hung himself 19th January 2018. I can’t believe it still – My family are so devastated and I can’t see us being the family we were once more. My poor dad found my brother at his place of work – mum’s distraught – how are they ever going to recover from this.

  12. Kate says:

    My brother died from a gun shot to the head. I had to take 3 years of leave from work as I cried every day for the first 3 years after his death. Then I lost my dad in the same way. Our family has fallen apart. I miss them both every day. I just hope they have found the peace they deserve. The pain does get better but it takes a long long time. Love and light to everyone going through this grief.

  13. Jaxs says:

    Tomorrow i am burying my brother john 58 years old who took his life by hanging .. hes been desprate for so many years and last straw was 2 months ago when mental health released him ..telling him there was nothing more they could do .
    there are no words to describe how im feeling im truely heart broken

  14. Kyle says:

    Wow I can’t believe so much people are going through what I am going through. My brother hung himself 2 years ago at age of 30 after developing skitzophrenea. I was 25 at the time… I became the biggest liqour abuser I have ever known and it’s only gotten worst . It effected my family, my kid, my relationship, my sex life and sunk me way deeper into depression. I have dreams of my brothers panic attacks. Him telling me I stole his stuff or was after him to attack or kill him. It’s really really hard everyday. What makes it worse is my brother’s good friends 1 over overdosed died 6 months later and other one hung himself same way. But that is my side of the story. My condolences and my sorry to everyone going thru what I’m dealing with. Fortunately I am becoming stronger and aware of my depression. Unfortunately I am there taking care of a mother always weeping which is a reminder at all times. And that I can’t make my own mother proud or happy. Hope everyone comes together and shares there thoughts and thanks for me letting this out . If anyone needs to talk to someone I am here and will give email or Facebook . God bless all of you!

  15. Richard Chapman says:

    My younger brother hung himself May 28,2018. I am so lost because of the circumstances we cannot have memorial until July 7 ,2018. God give me the strength to stand tall and deliver his Eulogy. The way he deserves it to be done.

  16. Diane says:

    I came on this site looking for some sort of comfort. It has been one month since my brother passed away with only 28 years of life. I feel paralyzed and sick to death every time i think of his passing. Sometimes i’m ok but even then there is a dark shadow glooming over me. Other times I fall into extreme sadness and guilt, that this was something I could and should have prevented unlike an incurable disease.

    The thought that he is no longer physically present in this world is too unbearable to imagine. Most times when i’m ok is when I think he’s still alive and I just wont ever see him. Although that idea in itself is also painful.

    My small family has been shattered and will never be the same. A piece of all of us died along with him. I cant help but think how did this happen to MY family? How and why did this have to happen to us? Useless questions.

    There is NO consolation for this. Meanwhile, life moves on and expects you to move along as-well. I cant imagine ever being normal again. No amount of time will mend this heart of ours.

  17. Kate says:

    Wouldn’t it b great t hv faith an believe u will see ur loved one again. I don’t know. I hv my doubts. Once ur gone its keputs

  18. Robert says:

    My 26 year old brother shot himself last week. I was in shock the first few days after the phone call and felt i had to fly out to his final living place. It’s the most vacant feeling. At first it felt like I was walking on top of bare blacktop, alone. I felt isolated and estranged during conversation. I’m beginning to find the weeds between the cracks a few with dandilions. But when i am alone i still feel vacant.

  19. Amy says:

    I understand the pain. I had tried to help my little brother for years. So many times I could feel his pain and he pulled himself out of heroin use at age 17. He got a really good job and his own apartment. Almost exactly 1 year ago , August 2nd,2017 he committed suicide. He had been living with me after getting in a fight with his girlfriend. I was in such disbelief, I could barely walk or eat. My whole world was spinning and numb. I had to take charge of his funeral for my parents. My dad got up on a ladder a few days later but my uncle was able to talk him down. I’m now in the position of being the mental and physical stability for my family. I am married and my husband is supportive but our relationship was already on the edge before my brothers suicide. I know God has always been there for me and gotten me through a lot but I’m to the point of questioning everything. It’s 1 year later and it’s finally hitting me that my brother is actually gone. His hamper of clothes is still in the same spot when he was here. Thank you for sharing your stories. No one can understand this struggle and the pain unless it has happened to you.

  20. Madeline says:

    My younger brother shot himself last Monday, July 23rd 2018. He was only 19 years old. I’m 21, my younger brother (18) and step sister (18) and I are clinging to each other. My mother is devastated- her and her fiancée had just broken up two months ago and she’s all alone… my dad is the one who found my brother and he feels so guilty.. every time I think about what he had to see my throat clenches up and my eyes fill with tears. I still feel like I’m in shock a little bit, half expecting him to show up. I can feel him next to me, in my peripherals but I just can’t quite see him. He felt like he had fucked up too many times and that his life wasn’t going to amount to anything but he was so wrong. I miss him so much and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. I had already been seeing a counselor and I have an appointment with her today and I’m going to have to tell her what happened.. I know it’s gonna suck but it’s also going to help. I just feel so lost, confused, hurt, and sad

  21. Wendy says:

    I just found out two days ago that my sweet sweet brother hanged himself. He was 42. My only sibling. I’m devastated

  22. Karen says:

    My older brother was found dead only a few weeks ago. We had no idea. Everyone feels so guilty. It was such a shock. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a dream although wide awake and if I try really hard to wake up I can take it back. I still can’t believe it and now I worry everyone in the family will do the same as they can’t cope with the grief and the guilt. I’m scared of life now. At knowing none of us will ever get over it. I just hope we can all find a way to live alongside it.

  23. Eunis says:

    Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since my little brother jumped out of a window in his block from the 5th floor. He was 21 short to 22 with 2 weeks. He was living alone but my bigger sister and brother were living in the same city. We found him Monday 3rd of sept. His birthday was this week and because of the circumstances we will be able to have his funeral only the day after tomorrow. As a child he spent most of his time with me , and i feel so guilty knowing that smtg that i teached him led him to think that he has no other choice then this. He recently found a girlfriend , everyones guard was off , we all thought he is OK. He also had drug use problems we did not know fully, i should have known. I dont cry all day but i wish i could. On the day of his birthday he and his friends had a place where they gathered on the river side in our home town, went there and lit up 22 candles . I am still not sure if he was 21 or 22 since he is not barried. I wish i could say 22. He was so smart and was the only one i could have the wierd talks. He was so open minded and he used to say about himself that he is a philosofer and he should be paied for this. I agreed! I will never accept this , he was my little brother and i couldnt take care of him . Most of my regrets are for the things he never got to do , like seeing the see. We used to be 4 now we are 3 left its the worst thought, i wish nobody would understand how hard such a simple thing hurts.

  24. Nancy j Denis says:

    My brother, my best friend in the world who I loved with all my heart, who has been there for me my entire life hung himself on Sept. 25th at the age of 58. We didn’t have a very good childhood, not having a father in our lives affected him deeply, and for me he was always the man I looked up to, idolized and cherished. He was my saving grace and confidant and someone who never judged me. I am beyond devastated , can’t really eat and can’t barely stand. I have two children, 18 and 15 who I know I need to be strong for and I pray to God in time I will find that strength. Somehow I found this site and I think it is helpful to read about other people who have experienced this horror because unless you have, I feel it would be hard to understand the gravity of the loss. For me it’s the way he died. If it were natural causes or an accident, I feel I could deal better. But, this is just so horrific, and the pain is so wrenching that it’s different, it just is. I hope we, the siblings left, all find strength and go on to live happy and fulfilled lives. This is my prayer for us all.

  25. J says:

    I am sorry for our collective losses..worst pain I’ve ever felt. I lost my brother to a self inflicted gunshot wound 2 years ago on July 11, 2016. The day before our mothers birthday. He left 2 beautiful boys now 9 and 6. As a family we haven’t, and will Never be the same. He was so much more than our oldest brother. My parents both worked a lot my father at a prison 3rd shift and my mother as a nurse. After a time he basically raised us. He showed me so many things growing up I don’t have space to explain it all. His influence in me is so great, his fingerprints are all over the man I’ve become. The movies and music I love come from him, my love of football, I’m a huge fan of the Oakland raiders bc of him. Bo Jackson was/is my favorite player/athlete bc of him…my first born son 5yrs old is named after him. My sense of humor the list goes on. He was like a father to myself and 2 younger siblings. His friends where my friends and vice versa. He would do anything for us. From bringing us to work or friends houses to girlfriends houses. He would defend us to anyone. He was our biggest fan. Nobody could make me laugh as hard as he could. Nobody could make me feel as good about myself as he could. He always picked me first in backyard sports (namely football) but he made a point to involve everyone so they wouldn’t feel left out. He had a way about him that made us feel welcome and wanted and cared for. No amount of words can express how deeply wounded I feel . No amount of time will ever lessen the feeling of loss, guilt, pain, anger etc. Some days are ok. Most days I cant not think about him. Not so much about what he did and what it has caused, instead I’m left thinking about what we won’t do. Like watch our kids grow up and eventually teach them about relationships and what makes a man a man. No more holidays birthdays or the miscellaneous days in between . It’s a loss I will never get over. I am sad and feel broken every day. But as a father and husband I have to push on for my family. I cannot and will not let his action destroy who I am and what I am responsible for. I miss him terribly everyday of my life and will until I take my last breath and beyond. We must stay strong for us and for thier memory. Don’t let go of the good they brought bc that will never change. Frankie I love you.

  26. B says:

    My mum died at 67 in Feb 2017, my big brother took it hardest. He used cannabis heavily and I suspect other things too. We had a fall out a few weeks after we buried mum. I felt I couldn’t deal with his anger, so we didn’t see each other for a year. I was planning to visit him when I got the news from my aunt that he had hanged himself in june 2018.He was 43. Because I left him. We only had each other after mum died. My world is fractured. The physical pain is real. Life will never be the same.

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