I lost my older brother Levin on February 1st 2020. My older brother was my role model. He took is own life over his marriage and a broken heart. He wore his heart on his sleeve just like I do. I am in the Navy and currently deployed in the middle east. I was able to be home for the funeral but left shortly there after. The guilt I have for my brother is almost overwhelming. I should have talked to him when I knew he was suffering. Instead I ignored his call. He called me hours before he did it and I didn’t take the time to talk to him. I left him dangling and feeling like his brother didn’t care.
Now I am out to sea without my wife to hold my hand. Without my support. I look in the mirror and all I see is him. We look so much and act so much alike makes me sick. I find my self staring out to sea and crying about him. Crying and angry. I call myself a good brother but yet I let him down. I knew he was suffering but I ignored him.
I love and miss my brother so much. I am sitting here staring at a vile of his ashes that he instructed me to scatter out to sea. How on earth am I suppose to do that? How can I let him go?