Lost my brother, my friend, my hero

I lost my older brother Levin on February 1st 2020. My older brother was my role model. He took is own life over his marriage and a broken heart. He wore his heart on his sleeve just like I do. I am in the Navy and currently deployed in the middle east. I was able to be home for the funeral but left shortly there after. The guilt I have for my brother is almost overwhelming. I should have talked to him when I knew he was suffering. Instead I ignored his call. He called me hours before he did it and I didn’t take the time to talk to him. I left him dangling and feeling like his brother didn’t care.

Now I am out to sea without my wife to hold my hand. Without my support. I look in the mirror and all I see is him. We look so much and act so much alike makes me sick. I find my self staring out to sea and crying about him. Crying and angry. I call myself a good brother but yet I let him down. I knew he was suffering but I ignored him.

I love and miss my brother so much. I am sitting here staring at a vile of his ashes that he instructed me to scatter out to sea. How on earth am I suppose to do that? How can I let him go?

One thought on “Lost my brother, my friend, my hero

  1. Brian,

    I am so very sorry for your loss. We know all too well the difficult and painful time you are experiencing right now. And it is only exacerbated by your being so far away from home and your support system. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. I tried to respond via email, but I’m getting a return error. I hope you can see this comment. Regarding resources for you, there are a few places you can start.

    — Our web site (siblingsurvivors.com) has a Resources section (https://www.siblingsurvivors.com/resources/), a couple of which are already listed below. Additionally, you may find some benefit to continuing to review the posts on our site and maybe posting some more.
    — The American Foundation for Suicide Preventtion (AFSP) has resources for all suicide loss survivors. Here is a link to their support page: https://afsp.org/find-support/ive-lost-someone/
    — The American Association of Suicidology (AAS) has a Support Group link (as does AFSP). I believe they also have virtual meetings. https://suicidology.org/resources/support-groups/
    — I myself have written a book called “The Forgotten Mourners: Sibling Survivors of Suicide”. It is available in Kindle format or e-book. There is a full chapter on resources, including books that siblings may find helpful.

    I hope these are a good place to start. Please reach out if there is anything else we can do.

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