2.5 Years… Never Forgotten!

Its been 2.5 years since my younger brother took his life, I remember that day as if it was yesterday.. I wrote every month for 1 year on this site, and going back to each letter and response has made me realize, that although time does heal a broken heart, it sure is not forgiving. It has been easier to deal with the reality that I will never ever see my brother again, at least not in this lifetime but it gives me some hope that I will be with him in heaven someday, I have to believe he is in a much better place now. For those whom recently lost loved ones, I understand your unbearable pain, the immense anxiety, the painful memories, feeling sick as if life has beaten you down to the point that you cannot think straight, crying every night until you can’t anymore AND the worst part “regret” could I have done something, why wasn’t I there to help, why why why?? You are not alone, many of us on this site have gone through this and we helped each other by posting our pain.. For me, its been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, my parents suffer everyday for the rest of their life, my mom died that day with my brother, although she’s breathing and staying alive for me & my older brother and dad but she is so sad and lifeless.. She listens to my brothers voice mail recording everyday & talks to him, many times shes asking god to take her so she can be with my brother. November 29,2017 changed the course of our life forever. My dad (80yrs) found my brother, he shot himself in the head. My parents did not deserve to live their retirement this way, they worked so hard & loved us unconditionally, provided for us, gave us so much love! My brother had been diagnosed with MS and he felt it was the end of the world, he became very negative, unhappy, depressed and especially angry.. NEVER ever crossed our minds he would take his life, we are an extremely close family he knew we would do anything for him.. We failed him and that is how we will live the rest of our life, feeling that we should have been aware but “what if” is not going to bring him back. We are faced with the harsh reality that he made that decision for whatever reason and did not think of how this decision would destroy his family. Please if you are reading this and have had suicidal thoughts, I hope by reading this makes you understand that although you may think by leaving this life may be a good way of escaping please know the people you leave behind that love you will be left devastated, their life will be ruined, please seek help, I tell you from experience my brother changed our life we had no say in it, we were forced to live the rest of our lives with this unbearable pain that only people that have gone through this type of loss understands. This site has been a blessing, although this is not a desirable site, meaning the only reason we are on it is because of losing a loved one by suicide, it has helped me so much because when I had just lost my brother I felt so alone, I did not want to hear from people (family & friends) that did not understand my pain, when I found this site I knew I was not alone and started to write letters to my brother, the responses I received were so heartfelt and I found some comfort here. May god bless you, please know, this will somehow get easier. Lastly, Sergio, I think about you everyday, I miss you so much, I can’t wait to hear your voice, hug you, kiss you & spend eternity with you.. I love you Serg your sis Always & Forever!

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