I’m Sorry I Couldn’t Save You

Big brother. When you left me, you took part of me with you. That morning I should have been paying closer attention. You were always taking care of me, standing up for me, and consoling me when something was wrong. You took me everywhere with you and the first 3 months of high school, we had never been closer. I didn’t mind ironing your shirt in the morning, because I knew that I would get a hug afterwards and a kiss on the head. You treated me so wonderfully.
That day, you let me pick out your outfit, you asked Mom to make your favorite thing for breakfast, you actually looked Dad in the eyes when we got out of the car and told him you loved him, and you called me . . . I’m so glad that I took that phone call, but I should have realized that you were about to do the unspeakable. The last thing you said to me was that you loved me. I waited for you after school, but you didn’t answer the phone. The buses had left already. It was too long of a walk to go home. I called Mom several times but she was still at work. I waited 2 hours. I was going to march straight into your room and ask you why you left me out there, but it wasn’t until we pulled in the driveway, the same time as Dad, we all had a feeling that you were just listening to your music to loud, or maybe you were watching a movie.
By the time we got to the porch, we could hear “Hey Joe” blaring from your speakers. All three of us went straight to your door and opened it.
Before I knew it I was screaming and sobbing like I had just lost my mind. All these strange people coming into my home and taking pictures of you. I threw up twice and the paramedics were going to sedate me. You left me. Your lips were already blue.
Mom and Dad listened to the tapes you left for them after the police gave them back to us. They questioned all of us separately and I couldn’t even speak a single word over my tears so I had to write down my answers. Half of my life was gone. And now as I reach another anniversary I really have spent half of my life missing you.
I’m never going to listen to the tape you left me. I want the last words you ever said to me be, “I love you.”

3 thoughts on “I’m Sorry I Couldn’t Save You

  1. Hey, I know the feeling. It’ll get better over time I promise you. You may not realize it yet and that’s ok. I lost my sister a bit over a year ago – different circumstances but the same result. The cops gave me her cellphone and I didn’t realize what I was playing when I watched her last video, but it was of her final minutes. I’m so sorry for your loss but hang in there. I know nothing anyone can say will make it easier, but just know over time you’ll start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

  2. So understand…I don’t want to see anything from him as my last words to my brother were I’m always here & I love you!

  3. I am so sorry for your loss.. your brother sounds like the best big brother ever.. what a thoughtful and caring young man. You were so important to him..He will always love you and I believe you were an amazing little sister to him, the best ever. You were probably one of the reasons he stayed for the time he did even though maybe he was hurting.. you gave him smiles and laughter.. you were so good for and to him. I can’t find the words to tell you how much my heart aches for your loss of him..

    My brother took his own life last Thurs July 11 2019. He didn’t leave us a note or a message.. my family is shattered, as I know yours is too. Lately I’ve been noticing little things.. I think my brother might be trying to reach out to us.. I am hoping he will to let us know he’s ok… and to tell us know what he was feeling.

    I hope your brother reaches out to you too.. when and if you need it and when and if he’s able.. I’m so glad the last thing he said to you was “I love you” Cherish those words.. that’s what he always wants you to know Xoxox

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