I understand

My sister killed herself with meth in her system. I had sent her a careless text a few days before and argued and made her feel she couldn’t reach out to me. I was the only person left she would have gone to. I feel so guilty. And tired. Sometimes i feel like I’m taking her place. Her life seemed hopeless and hard, I understand why she felt like taking it was an option. Im not suicidal myself, but I can’t forgive myself for not seeing how horrible life had been for her and just assuming she’d get through it. I feel like I deserve to feel even a little how she did, and still it doesn’t compare.
Damp
The ocean pulses against me
In
Out
Over
around
pullmetugmetakemeconsumeme
Sometimes I wish the water would just take me
No longer damp, but
Drowned.
Right there with you sister
Sometimes,
I think she had the right idea.
And while I feel so ashamed, I can’t stop myself from thinking it.
And pondering it
For a while
pullmetugmetakemeconsumeme
Sink into the edge
The ocean pulses against me
In
Out
Over
Around
Like blood pumping,
A dank existence that never stops
An infinite cycle, damp, uncomfortable.
clogged skin, clogged senses, clogged mind.
A dank existence that never stops–
Never stops
Pulsing
Drowning doesn’t look so bad
pullmetugmetakemeconsumeme
With clouded eyes,
You jumped in–
And sank.
My eyes are wide open.
Crusted in tears like the hot sand that lines what consumed you.
I don’t stare at the water.
I stare at you.
No clouds haze across my sky
But you do.
The constant tug of the ocean
The constant scortch of the sand
The constant pulse
pullmetugmetakemeconsumeme
The constant pulse,
That just. Won’t.
pullmetugmetakemeconsumeme
Maybe to have the right idea
You need clouds.
Or maybe,
Had I been right there with you,
Sister
The ocean would not have pulled
The sand would not now burn
And an existence that never stops,
Wouldn’t look so bad.
But My eyes are wide open.
Damp
The ocean pulses against me
In
Out
Over
around
pullmetugmetakemeconsumeme

2 thoughts on “I understand

  1. This was so moving. Beautiful. Raw. I am so sorry for the pain you now feel, but know you are not alone. The guilt is the same many of us feel. I wish I could ease it for you but all I can say is we stand with you in the midst of the water. And we persevere, to encourage each other, to prevent others from taking the path. Because each life has value.

  2. Jessica,
    Today especially today I struggle to hold back the rush of emotions as I commemorate my brothers suicide one year ago today 8/28/19. Reading your post I have a moment to immerse myself in the your post. For a brief moment it comforts me. Then I realize that you have also recently entered on this lonely journey of grief. I have come to refer this as a pilgrimage. I too feel the pain you express. The guilt of “What If” we had no control of our loved ones decisions and actions.
    I would like to use Share a part of poem I recent read. These are not my words. I could express my feeling this well.
    Perhaps I can share of what I read. I hope you will find brief comfort as you read it.

    For you Sister, I promise you this,
    I will go on with my life and make you proud.
    I will always hold you in my heart. I promise you I will be missing you everyday till the end of time, but this not my end and can’t hold my head underwater.
    I need to breathe,
    I need to love and miss you, but I also need to live because through me you will live,
    You will laugh and love,
    You will will sing and dance,
    You will still hug and kiss,.
    You will forever be in our lives,
    You will forever be a sister, friend.
    I am going to miss your shining face.
    I think of you and wonder why?
    I might cry or smile, but at the end of the day, I am one day closer to you……

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