I found this site while doing research on how other people cope with the feelings that I’m feeling. I know I probably need professional help but I can’t bring myself to talk to mom about it because i’ve maintained this stable version of myself in front of her and everyone else for this long. It’s killing me to see her so heartbroken since we lost you. And although it doesn’t seem to be working I want to believe that her seeing me being okay will help her be okay. Since the day I was born you were always there. And I honestly don’t know how I would’ve made it here without you. In elementary school, when a half-diagnosed disorder kept me from being able to speak a single word to the teachers and most of the kids, you were always there to communicate for me. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom at afterschool care without you having to ask the staff for me. At summer camps when I was put into a group of girls that I had nothing in common with, you let your annoying little sister tag along with you and your friends so I wasn’t alone and I can’t ever repay you for that. My whole life I’ve had you to look up to and I wish I would’ve given you the opportunity to rely on me like I relied on you. It’s been 3 months exactly since you left us, and not a day goes by where I don’t think about how things could’ve been different. I am so sorry that I wasn’t there. I’m so sorry that I let an argument keep me from saying bye and telling you I loved you the last time I saw you. With everything going on, the soonest we could have your memorial is next weekend and the closer it gets the more i’m dreading it. I’m not ready to sit around listening to everyone talk about how you’re gone. To finally see everyone in one place mourning is going to make it so much more real. I want to keep living in this little bubble where I pretend you’re not dead. Even though I know it’s real, it feels like you’re just away on vacation or something and that’s why I haven’t seen you in so long. I don’t think i’m ready to say goodbye for good but I know i don’t have an option and it hurts so damn bad.
Posting as a guest, I don’t know if you want any replies but I felt like I should share. It has been 15 years for me. Big brother was 13, I was 10. You seem to be a little more emotionally intelligent than me as it took me this long to get to this site. Anyways, you have put my first few months in words better than I ever could have with the description of your experience. I just wanted to say that the road ahead is worth it. It will not be easy, it will most certainly not be fair, but the lessons you will learn about overcoming pain and adversity are some that cannot be taught by anyone but yourself. I am not super religious but I hope you know what I mean when I say that I am praying that you always remember that you will last longer than the pain. The battle may seem endless or invincible at times but at a certain point, for me, the pain became an ally and showed me how to overcome obstacles in my education and career with relative ease. I wish the same for you. I regret not being more active in a support group (I’m sure you’ve read some of the other posts) so I would encourage it but also feel free to reach out!
❤