I don’t know what to put as my title

When I was 17 and a senior in high school my brother committed suicide. He was 14 years old and was going into his freshmen year of high school. After he passed away I watched my parents relationship turn hostile towards one another and unfortunately I was left in between as a pawn to use against the other. Personally I found sanctuary in sports, using baseball as an escape from my reality, but as one may guess I could not totally escape. No longer was I Jake, as much as I was the kid who’s brother committed suicide over the summer to my peers at school. Eventually I went to college and walked on to the baseball team, again finding some sort of activity I was familiar in to use as an escape. Unfortunately however I am in my fifth year of college and as my sports career begins coming to an end, a lot of the emotions and things I may of repressed without being entirely aware of are coming to the surface. Truthfully I come from an environment of emotional dysfunction, I have seen my mom attempt to commit suicide, my father is narcissistic, my brother is dead, and I am scared and lost. I feel like I have no role models and I don’t really know how I’ve made it this far exactly. It seems like the foundation I have come from is so intertwined with my reality today, it’s like I’m playing a game of poker poker with a bad hand that I gotta bluff my way to winning with. So I guess of late I have decided to fold, expressing my truths to my family members with mixed results. I guess I will end this post with the fact that I am lost. Over the 5 years since my brother has died so much dysfunction has occurred, not even to mention the dysfunction within my family when he was alive. I am scared that the cards in my hand are broken, that people will see me as a broken person who comes from broken people and that’s who I will be remembered as. Not as Jake.

2 thoughts on “I don’t know what to put as my title

  1. Dear Jake, please don’t let the grief swallow you whole. We who’ve survived this kind of loss are all broken and there isn’t any shame in that, The brokenness is a result of the love we can’t deliver to the person who left. We are heartbroken. Please make sure you are safe You have your own light and .future. Find a way to cherish your own soul.

  2. JAKE….Please know I feel the same way every single day since my brother committed suicide 4 years ago. I feel stuck. I have no drive to do anything, I get anxiety attacks every day, I’m depressed, and I feel like this made me practically disabled. I try so hard to enjoy life, but I just don’t understand. I’m so hurt.it consumes me every day. But this isn’t my 1st sibling loss.my brother chad was murdered 20 yrs. ago. This is what lead my brother Blake to take his life. And on the 15th of September will mark 1 yr since my brother Ray died from leukemia. I am the youngest, the little girl and they left me. My protectors, my 1st best friends. I get by min by min and you can too. It sucks. I have kids so I make sure I stay busy with them or I’ll get lost in my thoughts. I suffer from separation anxiety now, can’t stand being around people because I now get social anxiety and hate leaving my house. It’s totally screwed up my whole life and changed me. I wish I could change it all for not only me but for you as well. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone. You are incredibly strong and brave. You are making him proud. Trust me when I say you deserve happiness and success. You will get through it. You have to find that one thing that keeps you going. For me it’s my kids. I can’t let them down. And you have to prove YOU ARE JAKE❤

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