Having a tough time these days without my brother

I’m having a really tough time these days. My mental health has been deteriorating because I am running out of ways to stay distracted. It’s been 2 and a half years since you died and I haven’t even began to comprehend it. I just didn’t have time to grieve, so I didn’t and every time I would think of you, it would lead to a weird experience where I think “huh? he can’t be dead. How in the world could he be dead? And before I send myself into a panic attack, I just go on Instagram to distract myself. Life is really f***** hard and I just don’t know what to do anymore. God said that if he took something from me, he would give me something to fill the hole in return. How could he replace my brother??? Nothing could ever compensate for the way I feel.

4 thoughts on “Having a tough time these days without my brother

  1. Lily, I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved brother. Please know that how you are feeling is normal. Losing a sibling to suicide is devastating, confusing, painful, and a lot of other emotions that are hard to express. Continue to reach out for help. There are amazing support groups and hotlines through the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP): https://afsp.org/get-help. Please call or attend a meeting. Your brother would want you to. Live your life to honor him. Please reach out to us as well if you would like additional resources. You are in our thoughts.

    1. Lily,

      My sibling grieving journey began today one year ago 8/28/19. When I received the news that my brother took his life earlier that day. At that moment my world was in slow motion. Fog of disbelief. Confused with the cloud of surreal feeling.
      This last year has unveiled emotions that I had never experienced before. At times I couldn’t remember the simplest things I had just experienced. Other times the anger of his decisions and action to end his health physical life. Then I realized it was his mental health that lead him to this place and decision he acted on.
      I needed away to survive this and get through this incredible, monumental, weight of dealing with the next minutes, hours, days ahead.
      There are people and organizations that are able to help you with this journey your on.
      Reach out. Come out of the shadows of your grief. Find a shoulder to rest your hand to support you as take that next steps.
      People like Magdaline understand because they have walked in our footsteps.
      She has already shared some organizations that will help
      Others do as well.
      Support groups.
      Just reach out so they you are out there.

  2. I can relate to this. But my brother just died July 2, 2020. I think I am still in shock and the pain is there but I have not accepted he is gone and I won’t see him again. I am going to see a grief counselor because I feel like a total mental breakdown is on the horizon. I am terrified of this reality.

  3. I can relate to both your loss and your unwillingness to reach out too far. Reaching out and actively seeking help requires admitting that your sibling is gone. My brother has been gone for six years, and I still struggle with acceptance.

    I have not been to therapy, I have not joined a support group, but I have suffered dearly for that, mostly in my dreams. I think what I refuse to acknowledge in “reality” is manifesting in nightmares that are so treacherous and painful that find I can’t sleep for periods of time. So, my guess is that reaching out is the only option for this level of pain. I hope you, and I, find peace.

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