Eight months

It’s been just over 8 months. I still feel just as stuck as the night you took your life. The first several weeks went by so fast. So many people in and out of the house. I just wanted them all gone so life could go back to “normal.” It never did and it never will.
No matter what I do, how late it is, how tired I am, my thoughts go to that awful night. Hearing your girlfriend call for help down the hall, saying that you had hung yourself. Seeing you there on our patio. Helping dad get you down. Trying to bring you back with the CPR I’ve practiced for years. I shake it off and turn the T.V. on.

You would have been such a great father and I wanted to be an aunt so much. I miss you all the time. Life is so hard now. I’m sorry you died in pain. I don’t believe in an afterlife and I know you didn’t either. So I hope you had a really nice dream before leaving forever. I read that might happen… I wish you could hear all the things I want to tell you all the time.
I love you Bubba.

3 thoughts on “Eight months

  1. I can relate. 6 months feels like yesterday. I feel stuck….in grief, pain sorrow, regret, loss, emptiness, helplessness, sadness …I miss my brother MORE as the months go by. Swaying between stability and uncontrollable sorrow! His birthday is coming up April 7th. We are the same age for 1 and a half months. Twins for awhile but no more. ?? I miss you beloved….forever laughing…forever loved. ??

    1. I completely can relate to you my dear. my brother and I were 11 months apart, like twins but not. very close in age and very close in heart. the guilt, being that close to him and not knowing what he was going through or being able to maybe change the outcome…it absolutely tears me apart. it has been four months. I relive it everyday. my heart goes out to you.

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