Category Archives: Letters

Bye

Guest Post, Letters
I keep seeing you in my dreams. Sometimes I can see your face but other times you don’t have one. Why do you keep coming back? Is it to just torment me? I’m scared to sleep. I’m scared of seeing you again. Will you tell mom hi and that she doesn’t need to hate me anymore?

I still need my big brother. I see Lillian running around and chasing Ash and screaming at each other and all I think about is that I miss my bubba.

I’m done typing now.

Interesting

Letters
Seeking you somewhere there; absolutely anywhere. My dearest little brother there will never be another.
This life will go on. Hopeful of years to come with ultimate passing. Some point the memories will disappear how sad for you me and all we hold dear.

Interesting this fleeting life.
So much adventure, love and fight.
So I lie here one year waiting.
Waiting for an answer that will be ongoing… fading.

The anger it comes. The sadness it goes.
Frustrated at others frivolous woes.
Angry at me who struggles to see
There is so much more right in front of me

I’m sorry one year later for not going over
I knew better but struggled to find the courage to bolster. My dearest little brother there will never be another.

2 brothers who left

Letters
Dear J and S,
Your choices nearly killed me. Your children have suffered. I continue to explain your decisions. People are shocked that Mom and Dad raised two men-talented, established, wealthy, fathers, who left a legacy of suicide to our family. I am fighting the shame and embarrassment of what you did every day. I have my daily suicide tears. My life is forever changed. I am not you, I am a lonely sister who now has to grow old without you. The grief goes on and on. I go back to our happy times together never imagining that you both would — yourselves. I am a compassionate, kind, beautiful, and creative mother; that is how I am determined to define myself. Your mental illness was not treated. I did my best to help you but you didn’t listen to anyone. You left a mess for me to clean up, just like my entire life in our family. Mom and Dad did everything for you to be successful. I can’t imagine how they feel knowing that their sons — themselves. I hope you have found peace. I have not and never will. Your children’s lives are really messed up too. Your loving sister, D

For my baby sister, Kiara.

Guest Post, Letters
I wish you’d receive this.
I wish you’d rip open the letter like you would rip open the wrapping on your christmas presents when you were little. I wish I could watch you read it and I wish I could see a smile on your face as you read it silently.

You were always so protective of my feelings. You guarded them like it was the most special thing in the world to you. I couldn’t be sad without you being there for me and helping me feel better in every way. You stuck up for me like no one else when you didn’t even have to. You were my little sister.

I keep thinking back to just 8 months ago when we were in the back of the car on the way to the cliff in Greece. I was annoyed beyond recovery and you waited until everyone got out of the car and then looked over at me and asked me if i wanted a hug before getting out of the car. You gave me the nicest and most affectionate hug that i had felt from you in years- it almost put me to tears.. and then you said something to me, i forgot what you said and that makes me sad. Little did i know that i was about to get engaged. You were the only one that was in on it and you wanted me to go out there with a good head on my shoulders.

I was so lucky to have you. I needed you and now I need you more than ever. I have been through hell and back without you these last few months and it makes me so ragingly mad at you. The fact that you’d leave me here is so mean. You abandoned me.

Every time I start to get mad at you I immediately think about your body in the coffin and that should have been the worst pain i’ve ever felt when in reality, I have spent every day in pain which compiles and overrides the pain that i felt that day. I think of your eyes and mouth glued shut and I can still feel your freezing cold hands. I still hear our brother sobbing telling mom, papa and I “she’s so cold” while shivering himself in a hot room.

Sometimes things get so painful to think about that I can’t even cry anymore. I just sit and stare.

The weirdest part about all of this is that you were scared of everything. Even as a baby, you didn’t want to be held by anyone you didn’t know. You were always scared of fireworks but you became more and more scared of the world as you grew up. All of a sudden you became scared of the suns rays, public places, the ocean.. I could go on. You only made it to 15. Would it have become worse? Or would you have conquered your fears?

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I miss you. Oh my god I miss you. There has not been a day where your memory doesn’t make me lose my mind. I wish I could shake you and slap you and tell you that your life doesn’t have to feel like this- it will get better. Our brother and I told you that. We told you that over and over and you let us think that we got to you- that you believed us. You lied. You lied and told me that you’d be there for me forever.

Kiara. I want to live a beautiful life. I want you to help me live a beautiful life. I don’t want to feel like this anymore yet every day feels worse. I need your help from heaven.

I wish I had died instead of you.

Your sister who will adore you until the day I die,

Zoë

My Sister’s Birthday

Guest Post, Letters
Dear Sis,
It’s been almost 7 yrs since we lost you and today is your birthday. I miss you terribly and think about you all the time. It breaks my heart to think of how difficult things must have been for you.
You were a wonderful, generous to a fault, loving mom, grandmother, aunt and sister.Love you always,
SJ

I miss you

Guest Post, Letters
I miss you, Mike, I miss the friendship we could’ve had. I hate that you took away the opportunity for us to really get to know each other. I hate that you took away my big brother. I hate that you left your kids. I hate the way you did it. I hate knowing I won’t get to talk to you again, won’t hug you again, won’t receive an awkward birthday phone call. We didn’t get to drink together. I didn’t get to know you. not really. I want you to come back.

Chaos

Guest Post, Letters
I’m missing you more than I should today. My heart is tearing more and more as the minutes pass. My chest is tight, I feel like I’m suffocating.… my eyes can’t hold back the pouring tears today. I’m hurting here without you today. You’re the only comfort my body needs today, and you’re not here. My throat can’t handle the gulps anymore… the pressure of grief. I cut my hair this morning. I showered, I drank water, I slept in, Im trying brother.. I miss you so f** much today.

To My Bro Dan

Letters
Dan I miss you. It’s been three whole weeks and I just don’t know how to deal with the fact that you’re gone. It’s feels surreal. I miss you Dan. I know we didn’t talk much recently but please believe me when I say that I was trying to protect myself…. in the past, challenging times for you meant that I wasn’t safe. But I know you tried. You tried so hard, you sweet boy.
You were kind and loving and I’m told that you were the most devoted friend. We hold the same things dear Dan. We both love art and odd things in nature. You thought it was the coolest thing when your big sister in grad school got her motorcycle license and I thought your tattoos were beautiful – I just got a temporary one for you Dan. It’s the one you got for Kraina because I want to remember you as your most loving self. Your love for her was magic. I prayed that one day I’d find that kind of love, and I did Dan. I wish you would’ve gotten to know Reuven more. I know he doesn’t look like your type with his engineer vibe but he’s so quirky and creative too- he’s one of us Dan. And he’s so sensitive and loving. Inside, you guys are very similar actually.

I wish we could go kayaking and sea glass collecting together. We totally could have taken a trip together- you, Kraina, reuven and me. I think we’d all love Guatemala. I’m gonna take Ma there and we’re gonna hike the volcano and think of you. You would have loved so many parts of life Dan. I know you were so tortured and couldn’t accept love and I’m so sorry for being obnoxious to you when we were younger. I was honestly scared of you and angry that you made my life unsafe and unpredictable. But we don’t need to talk about that now. I know you felt guilty for that and I just want you to know that I forgive you for those years. I worked through it in therapy and I’m really okay. You were just a kid and life was so freaking hard. I wish you could forgive yourself too, and forgive me.

I really thought you turned into such a cool person – kind, creative and so much generosity. Ugh I should’ve given you that darn guitar you wanted.

Dan I don’t know where you are right now but I just want you to know that I love you. You’re my only sibling look-alike and beyond that, we’re made of similar stuff. We both feel and care a bit too deeply (you were so wise in so many ways), we have that creative eye, love animals, workout lovers. We’re kind of spiritual- not religious, don’t worry.

Dan I know you were so proud of me for breaking the mold. You thought it was so cool I took pole classes – said you respected the workout and that I’m doing me. Well I think you’d think it’s cool that I started a boudoir photography business. I’m ducking out of corporate a bit to pursue a creative passion. It brings me such joy Dan. I wish I could tell you so you could be proud of me.

We were the most open minded in our family Dan. I really thought you and me would be friends one day. Our kids would look alike. It’s like the future was just snatched from me and I really was looking forward to it.

Please Dan, wherever you are, know your big sis loves you and was proud of you. At just 23, you were so much bigger at than all of us in a lot of ways. I promise to keep you alive by doing and being in ways you would.

I’ve been in touch with Kraina and she’s so wonderful. I wish you guys were together when you passed, for your sake but not for hers. She’s really suffering as it is. But she got the crane tattoo also. She said “he got it for me so I’m getting it for him”. So we’re tattoo sisters now 🙂 I love mine. Feels like I see some of you every day… and I love what it says about me- I’m making bold statements for my bro, and I’m wearing my feelings on my sleeve – get it? Cuz it’s on my wrist? I love you Dan. I’m gonna make you proud. Promise. Love, Neens

Thank you for your last words

Letters
Hey Christian. I’m sorry for everything you were suffering toward the end. But the past 4 years especially. I wish I had been there for you more. Called more. Been physically present with you more. I want you to know I’m not angry with you. I know if you made this choice it was your final resort. Just know that I will love you forever and always. You are my brother for life. I hope to see you again. Thank you for the video you left for all of us. You left us with an incredible gift of knowing that you knew you were loved by us and that you loved us too. Thank you for that. I love you, sweet Christian.